Feeling worthless

[arale]

I just need someone to not look me in the eye or yawn when listening to me to imagine that I am uninteresting and totally worthless in this world. Definitely flashing back to when my mum told me that she would be wearing a diamond ring up to her little toe if I weren't here.

Needless to say it happens a lot on an everyday basis. Any tricks anyone can share?

[woodsgnome]

The only trick I've felt helped by is sadly not a fix, but more like a rung on a ladder (except then there's the fear of falling off of it).

That fix being to keep doing whatever and however I can to be kind to myself (by itself a huge task), and to keep on taking those little steps despite preferring major leaps. So often I tend to just give up on life, and especially on my role in the overall picture. Somehow I keep on, and even surprise myself when I can sense even tiny glimmers of progress. The downer with that is I often lack the energy for that smallest step.

Maybe that has to do with my recent change in 'goals'. For years I knew that what I wanted was only peace. Recently I revised that to -- peaceful flow. Life itself doesn't seem static, so why should even peace be exempt from that?

Still searching, sharing in your wondering, and I guess that's okay, staying in the flow even when we feel stuck on a rock.

From the perspective of what you've shared here, though, you're far from worthless. Your contributions, even when difficult, boldly touch on matters important to all of us. Those contributions are the full opposite of being worthless.

[bluepalm]

In such situations it helps me to remember that often people are caught up in their own internal dramas and are more attentive to those internal stories and to the feelings in their bodies than to what is going on around them; including to what another person is saying to them in the moment.   

So a yawn I interpret now as being evidence that someone is tired, distracted, or otherwise unable to focus on a conversation, or that they are impatiently waiting for me to stop talking so they can deliver whatever response they are already silently rehearsing. Not that they are making a judgment on my worth as a human being.

And when someone cannot look me in the eye it starts me wondering what it is in them that causes that failure; are they frightened, intimidated, anxious? Are they totally distracted by internal turmoil and unable to focus on anything outside themselves? If so, why? Am I contributing to that? If so, can I stop my contribution to their unease? Should I stop talking?

So, I can 'get the message' and end a conversation when these things happen, but not because I feel bad about myself, but because I feel it's the kindest thing for both of us; for some reason this conversation should end.

I don't know that I'm always correct in my responses - maybe someone is judging me poorly. However, even if they are, I find this internal questioning of the reasons in the other person for their behaviour not only relieves me of automatic self-blame and shaming feelings, but also helps me try to understand human interactions, including my impact on other people, rather than reel about blindly from one interaction to the other, as I used to do.

I hope this is helpful.

[arale]

Thank you woodsgnome and bluepalm for reading and responding. I feel seen. I feel my existence in my body, which effectively takes away a large part of the need to feel that I am worth something.

"often people are caught up in their own internal dramas and are more attentive to those internal stories and to the feelings in their bodies than to what is going on around them"

That is so right. I tend to take too much responsibility for the place I have in other people's lives. In desperately trying to matter, I transplant myself into other people's lives, leaving a big painful worthless void in mine.

[bluepalm]

Yes Arale - this is so well put: In desperately trying to matter, I transplant myself into other people's lives, leaving a big painful worthless void in mine.

You have articulated what I did for many of my early years. I was totally focused on the other person, trying to please, trying to placate, trying to understand what they wanted of me, trying not to cause anger or blame, and yes, trying to matter to them. And always failing. Aways feeling a worthless void inside me.

I can remember vividly one day when I was in my late twenties, sitting on a bus feeling utter despair and thinking that I, me, my life, my body, mind and soul, had all the substance of a piece of paper 'being blown hither and thither by the wind'. I realised I had no idea how to make judgments about such things as a work of art. How did people know what they felt about a work of art? I don't know why I chose this particular example, but I think I was realising I had no inner self strong enough to respond one way or the other to a work of art.

Looking back now, with my knowledge of the effects of trauma, I feel I was starting to understand the enormous extent of the inner disintegration that abandonment and abuse had caused inside me, without being at all aware that I had been abandoned and abused because I was unable to see my life with any objectivity through all the buzzing confusion. I think I was starting to articulate to myself that I had not spent enough time focused inside me, on my inner growth, because I had been so focused on surviving the relentless demands and wrath of the people around me. Something, I know no what, must have happened to stir me to question why I felt so deeply worthless and adrift. 

It has been through working with good therapists and learning through reading (something that has accelerated in recent years since I've learnt about complex trauma) that I've managed to fill that void inside me and come to the realisation that for many people little outside themselves matters, and not in a good way either. Such self-involvement can so often result in cruelty and self-righteous anger. But I can now usually recognise and avoid people whose behaviour or words stir feelings of worthlessness inside me again and understand that it is primarily something inside them, not inside me, that is in play.

I wish I could have had healing relationship in life, because I think that would have been the best 'therapy' - but in the absence of those, my therapists have given me enough good 'holding experiences' that I have been able to fill that void of worthlessness that used to be inside me. So I am hugely grateful to my therapists for the structure and promptings for self-reflection that they gave me while they 'held me' in a safe place for short periods of time. It's been enough to allow me to rebuild myself to feeling worthy. It's been life saving for me.

[arale]

Bluepalm, said,
had all the substance of a piece of paper 'being blown hither and thither by the wind'

Only yesterday, I was saying that I was feeling like a piece of seawood pushed around by the currents! 

What you say sounds so mature, so much what I know I need to do. My mind knows it but somehow I couldn't get my heart to feel it.

Something, I know not what, must have happened to stir me to question why I felt so deeply worthless and adrift. 

Everything I've read points to that something to be most truly you.

But I can now usually recognise and avoid people whose behaviour or words stir feelings of worthlessness inside me again and understand that it is primarily something inside them, not inside me, that is in play.

Yes, thank you, it is very helpful to remember that we are mirrors, windchimes of each other, often reflecting, resonating what's not ours.

It is so encouraging to hear that therapists could provide good enough safe places to heal. It gives hope. I find this hope important, especially when I'm deep down in my dark hole, that one day, I, too, could possibly get out.

[bluepalm]

Thank you very much for this thoughtful response Arale.