Flashbacks/Triggers About Control

[Phoebes]

A young family member had a birthday recently, and it was a theme party..the theme being from the time period of my teenage years. I had so much fun picking out things to wear, and wished I had some of my old clothes. It was a lot of fun to share that experience with her and for her to be into it. It brought back a lot of memories. And of course, triggers and flashbacks.

One thing that came up for me was- I was not actually allowed to wear most of the things I wanted to, or do my hair how I wanted. I was forced to wear full make up from an early age. I was forced to look a certain way Nm approved, and a lot of time it was "old lady." There were certain things, like Vans shoes, which I now own, I wasn't allowed because they were deemed too boyish. Anything fun, cool, young and creative was a definite "no" to the point I stopped asking because it wasn't worth the rage. I was very strictly regulated, both in appearance and behavior.

Which brings me to, every move I made and word that came out of my mouth was either picked apart, scowled at, or commented negatively on. I am not exaggerating. The kids at this party were freely interacting, singing, dancing and having a great time together. Like little life-long friends. Unconcerned what the picture and video-taking adults were doing. Freely expressing themselves. Dressed all differently and how they wanted. I couldn't help but remember how this would have never been the case for me. If I was ever allowed to go to a party, I was so anxious I could barely function. (Although I was usually not allowed). I was happy for my relative she has that, and in her vans and everything funky she wants to wear and how she wants to act.

It just reminds me of how much actual control I was under. Nm demanded and regulated every single thing about me, as well as mostly held me hostage in the house under the guise of "protecting me." It was 11th grade before I could do something with friends on a Friday PM.

Sorry for the ramble. I've been rather triggered and depressed lately. My thoughts are all over the place and I'm struggling in every area. I don't know what good thinking about this does, but I don't seem to be able to get through a day without being triggered and realizing another layer or example of how I've always downplayed and listened to HER voice that convinced me I was just exaggerating and too sensitive.

[Not Alone]

You are not rambling. You are not too sensitive. Just from the little you wrote, it is clear that your mother was super controlling. It makes sense that you are having a hard time now after experiencing people dressed in clothing from your teen years and the kids able to freely have a good time.

[Three Roses]

I agree - you're not rambling or too sensitive. These are things we are told by our abusers in order to minimize our understandable outrage at the abuse they put us through. Over time, we start to internalize and repeat these statements, but they are not true. I'm sorry you were so stifled as a young person, and hope you rebel gloriously against these false beliefs that were instilled in you.

[Phoebes]

Thank you both for the affirmation. I hate that I keep coming back to this and reliving  it in a sense. Something prevents me from "moving on" from it, and I think it's that I'm JUST now starting to understand the actual gravity and depth of how brainwashed and controlled I was. It was pretty extreme. It wouldn't have made the news because we looked normal to outsides. But it was very sadistic and not normal.

I think what bothers me most is, as independent thinking as I thought I was, I STILL was trauma bonded to her for so long, hoping for a change. thought I was living my own life, and had "let it go" about the past (as suggested by, guess who). It's just, I wasn't being me, as much as I thought I  was. I had long given up on me, and was doing what I thought I was supposed to, subconsciously, all the while thinking I was being me. It's not normal that someone in their 20's and 30's lives life based on finally getting to dress how they want, do anything at ay time they want, like travel. Rather than honing skills in areas that were suited for me, I was struggling through constant triggers of being a teacher. Something I chose because I wanted to be like a couple of teachers were for me, and something that was an "allowable" choice. I'm prettyy distraught over the discovery that I've never made it to "myself" yet. No wonder I feel like an alien.