EMDR is Working

[byways]

Hi All,

I'm updating about EMDR for CPTSD. I started in September and have had 6 sessions. The first 4 were spent on childhood stuff until I told the therapist that I wasn't really upset about that. It was helpful, though, about issues revolving around my mother. Sort of settled out some things about that. But I was more upset about the negative reactions (and, like, Punishment)I got from my family in my 30's when I expressed my feelings about childhood incidents.

We then moved on to my major problem right now, which is a sibling who probably has NPD and would like to be controlling me, argues with me about my feelings, etc. The therapist was able to make a suggestion during the EMDR that I turn my mind to a favorite place when I have thoughts about this sibling and I'm telling you, it was AUTOMATIC diversion to that place the first week, almost automatic the second week and this past week have had a little more trouble switching over to my favorite place, but I'm still able to silently say the name of the place and get some RELIEF. And I'm enjoying thinking about this place all the time now. The therapist tied this act of diversion into a particular thing I was doing in this place to handle my fear of heights so that I might enjoy the view. I am not sure I've explained it well enough, but in my brain, it makes perfect sense. Like I'm giving myself a way to feel safe, just as I did in my favorite place.

The therapist might not be the best fit for me, but I was able to tell her what I needed. The clock in her room really bothers me, so she takes it out of the room. I have two other major problems working in the fast paced way she does. 1) I have trouble responding immediately when someone asks me a question so she changed the phrase after using the wand (the EMDR part of the therapy) from "what are you noticing?" to something different and started giving me more time to answer. My regular therapist told me a lot of introverted people do this thing of taking a long time to answer a question because they are thinking of the 'right' thing to say. I don't know though, because it happens when someone asks me where the pepper is or some mundane thing.  2) I have a delayed reaction time to trauma. I go through something stone faced, then get upset about it later. (am pretty sure I was trained to do this because of the whole 'you're not allowed to cry or be upset or we will laugh at you, shame you or punish you' thing in my family and this is slowly changing to more immediate responses)

The sessions were two weeks apart and during the first 2 months I had a massive amount of good & bad childhood memories come up like snapshot pictures of whatever time or event I was remembering. I would have a session, think it wasn't really working, and then have memories pop up for two weeks after the session about things I haven't thought about for years. I felt kind of stressed out without being emotional about these memories. They were just pictures, and would have some final thought like "Oh, well I had more stress then than I thought I did, no wonder I had problems". A lot of these memories were temporary and fleeting and I haven't revisited them since.

I felt exhausted after the sessions. It always seemed like a month between them. We are taking a break in December, but I plan to go a few more times early next year. I went from being what I feel was severely depressed in August to NOT now, so I would call that a win. I checked in with my regular therapist to tell him how it was going and because I thought I might be getting stressed out before the last two EMDR sessions. We talked about recent contact with my sibling. He made a comment that seemed like I had responded to my sibling recently in a way that was more direct or positive for myself than in the past. Like maybe I was bolder than usual or cared less about sibling's response back to me, which is a move in the right direction.

The last two EMDR sessions and trying to explain it to the other therapist made me realize I have processed a lot of stuff in 3 months. I kept thinking in the beginning that it wasn't 'working' but now I think it sort of made my brain take action and start working better or differently about all these problems even though I wasn't aware of it.

One thing I think is really good with this particular EMDR therapist is that she will stop the EMDR in the middle of the session if I need to stop and then we talk. She wants to teach me tap therapy, but I don't want to, so am going to tell her no. And I still have access to the other therapist.

Sorry I haven't been hanging around or active on this website, but I was getting triggered by a lot of stuff. For me, it is better to just put these memories and problems away and move on with something that distracts me, otherwise I am continuing to burn the same negative memory tracks in my head and pretty soon it's all automatically negative again and for me that means depression.
Byways

[Rain]

Byways, thank you soooooooooooooooo much!   I very much appreciate you taking the time to write this all out with depth, and so clearly.   For me personally, it has answered a ton of my questions.

Were they familiar with CPTSD?   Others here at the forum have had issues with EMDR specialists unfamiliar with the complexities of CPTSD and EMDR.

And, thank you for your final comments on posts being triggering here ...that's not good.   I would assume we need more "trigger alerts"

Take care byways.   Grace and Healing in your Journey.

[byways]

Rain,
I'm really glad my post seemed clear to you. Sometimes I think I write in a roundabout way.
The reason I went to EMDR in the first place was because of this website. So thank everyone for that. When I read about it, I went and asked my psychologist if it was possible that CPTSD was causing my current problems of getting past memories when there is some current problem with anyone. I have been in a pattern over the last 5 years (and really... all my life) of something happening that upsets me currently, but then the whole past was coming up and all these memories and negative thought patterns, repeatedly and causing depression. The whole ball of wax. Every time. Unrelated. And then depression. So he said they had EMDR therapists there and I made my first appointment.

I have not ever directly talked to the EMDR therapist about CPTSD per se, but my psychologist talked to her before my appointment and filled her in and I had brought CPTSD up to him. At my first appointment, we discussed all the childhood crap, including ss abuse, and resulting PTSD symptoms I had at age 5 or 6, and also basically all the various types of abuse going on in my family. She thinks maybe something happened before that with my mother that I don't remember or that the abuse is the reason why I experienced PTSD symptoms in high school, college, as a young married woman, etc., however many times it has occurred during different traumatic events. (That sounds kind of sad right there, but this has been my life.)

I told her I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this trap of circular recurrent B.S. depression that I couldn't ever get rid of, no matter how much therapy or meds I've had in the last 35 years. I have had good months, good years, but never for any extended period of time - like more than 3 years at a time. She said I shouldn't have to spend one more WEEK with this problem and has given me hope. I've gained a lot of confidence in the last 15 or so years, even with more ridiculous B.S. going on with my foo, but this therapy seems to have opened some gate or rearranged things for me.

As for the triggering, that is just me right now, not necessarily other peoples' posts. I am triggered by a lot of things and have accepted it now that I am probably a Highly Sensitive Person. (I am still offended by the name of this and it's not something I'm going to ever go around telling people, because they'll just say, "See, I told you you're too sensitive" as if there's no reason for it) I am very impressionable when it comes to movies, books, noise, etc. I read a description of it online and every physical symptom they listed, I have. I'm pretty sure I'm not 'cured' of CPTSD yet and need more EMDR sessions and will probably will continue therapy in general for a while longer. I'm just saying that in November there was some noteworthy movement in my brain or a shift where I can say, Yes, EMDR has helped.

I wish one of the many therapists I've had would have recognized what was going on with me and I also went years and years without real treatment for PTSD, let alone CPTSD. In fact I was crushed to learn that EMDR was started in 1990. That's 24 years, folks! The only reason I got some attention about PTSD in the 80's was because of Desert Storm vets having it, but the psychiatrist then did not really treat me for that. I'm patting myself on the back for asking for treatment as soon as I found out about CPTSD and EMDR now- even though it is really late in the game.  And I'm glad even though I had serious doubts and almost dropped out, that I kept going and have had this recent change in things.

[lonewolf]

Hello byways,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with EMDR. I've recently met with a psychologist and I will begin my first session with EMDR tomorrow. I let her know about the CPTSD. A couple of the more enlightening issues that came out of our first session (history, issues, timeline, events, etc.) was my fear of actually being in the moment with my emotions and her question of whether I felt stress or anxiety. That was a light bulb moment. I had always just assumed I was under a lot of stress all the time, but her asking me that made me realize that I actually feel anxiety. I suppose that I am so used to feeling it that I didn't understand what it actually was. Does this make any sense at all?

As well, I liked her approach to explaining that I have to go back to the originating traumas to begin the healing process. She likened dealing with only the recent traumas as pruning a plant, but if there are issues at the root the plant will still continue to have issues. Obviously true, but I like that she was cognizant and caring of my earlier traumas. I too often over the years hear (yes, even by therapists) to just get over it and move on. If only it was that easy then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I am feeling both optimistic and frightened for my first session tomorrow. I am happy to post my experiences with EMDR if you or others are interested.

[lonewolf]

After my experience today, I would highly recommend EMDR if you are able to find the right practitioner.

I left for my appointment after a night of yucky family/mom stuff (I wrote about in Storm Before the Calm). If someone would have told me that I would leave my appointment today with almost no distress over my mom, I wouldn't have believed it. There is still some slight residue which I will tackle in the next session in 2 weeks, but it's literally gone.

I like this gal. Not only has she applied it on many clients, but she has also done it herself. She is intuitive. She doesn't ask a lot of questions or too much detail. She just checks in to see where you are and encourages you to keep focusing on that area. She said if you stay with the feelings they will eventually sort there way out. She also said if you resist feeling the feelings then it won't work.

She explained to me that too much talking gets in the way because you are then accessing your left brain when it is the right brain that helps move the processing along. So, although there may have been some specific events, mostly I had sensations and images in relationship to the emotions or responses (i.e flight and fight). In many areas I went from high distress to a range of feelings like quiet, release and buoyancy. In some cases there were physical manifestations that came and went (knots in my upper stomach and headache with hot feeling head around anger) as well.

She had me focus on my mom as THE event rather than on a specific trauma unless I needed to.

We will see how the next two weeks goes before my next appointment.