Being stuck at conception by trauma of RA (TW)

[RA-Survivor]

The very first thing that I felt when the first flashbacks of my ritual abuse history back in March 2016, was extreme humiliation. Extreme humiliation has always been a daily battle to me, at the hands of my sadistic abusers. I felt eternally forsaken, a void that is ever-expanding to infinity without end point. I was crying so much in the dark at night, wetting my clothing, feeling as though no one has seen my tears and feeling very cold.

Another constant perception, is the companion of emptiness. There was no more substance left in me as a proper human; an existence that has not been developed yet. Outsiders cannot discern my face value of the level of fragmentation, for what is seen is not always reflecting the things that are unseen and vice versa. The trauma was deep enough that I felt like I was being stuck at conception, being struck by lightning, a sensation that has made me afloat oftentimes, that not even the worst earthly pain can be compared to what I have suffered.