Embarrassing Anxiety Attack

[Jdog]

I am dedicated to becoming more mindful, less reactive to my racing thoughts, and so forth.  In conjunction with this, I recently began attending several recovery groups which espouse Buddhist principles and practice insight meditation as part of an approach toward attaining sobriety.  In my case, it is emotional sobriety since I have not consumed alcohol in 4 1/2 years.  I have also recently started taking an SSRI, having been diagnosed with GAD.

Still, the mind is a tricky place.  Yesterday, while in a very public setting, I suddenly became convinced I had lost my keys and went on a frantic search in this rather large and well populated place.  I asked for help at the main office, gave my name and phone number, and called my spouse as she has the extra set of keys to my car, which was parked at this place.  Only after 45 minutes or so did I do a more systematic search of my purse and THERE THEY WERE in a normally unused pocket of my purse.  Gulp.  Shame, embarrassment, etc.  My spouse has already been wary of me of late due to several episodes of upset between us, and this did nothing to make things better.  At least I was able to call her before she arrived and she turned back around and went back to what she had been doing.

I did have a better rest of my day.  And ended it at a meeting with others who are overcoming various states of vulnerability and shame, which provided peace.

Anxiety is a mountain of awfulness.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Jdog,

You couldn't find your keys. We all do that---loose keys, glasses (on top of my head), the remote control, etc. You had anxiety when you couldn't find them, which seems to me to be a normal reaction. You took logical steps to try to find the keys. You looked in your purse again and found them. (I once lost my car keys, called the police to break into my car thinking I locked them inside, then found they had slipped behind the lining in my purse.) You did not do anything wrong by losing your keys. You did nothing wrong in feeling anxious. You are human and you did a human thing.

Glad your meeting left you with a feeling of peace.

[Jdog]

Tee and Notalone-

that really helps!  Notalone, your screen name is perfect.  I don't feel alone, now that you have shared your story,

[Kizzie]

Anxiety is a mountain of awfulness.

Our reaction to perfectly normal brain fart moments like this are so awful too. 

You did not do anything wrong by losing your keys. You did nothing wrong in feeling anxious. You are human and you did a human thing.

   and   

[Jazzy]

Anxiety can be terrible. Sorry you had a rough time with this situation, but it sounds like your day improved afterwards, which is great! Take care!

[Just Hatched]

Recently, my dog's favorite chew toy went missing, nowhere near as serious as losing keys, but it caused me considerable anxiety and when I couldn't easily find it, I went into a sort of low grade panic, searching everywhere obsessively, looking in ridiculous places, for hours, then I did the same thing the next day. I was triggered by that lost toy for the best part of a week.

I think anxiety over losing things is normal, especially if what we lose is something we need to use in the course of conducting our lives, keeping ourselves safe and functioning.  I also have flashes of panic if I can't quickly find my keys in my purse. Thinking about losing them for real is seriously frightening, especially if I was far from home. I'm glad you found yours.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Jdog, thanks for sharing. You did well by handling it better than OK! Good that you were able to find peace later that day too, that probably felt a bit grounding. Glad to hear you are doing a bit of meditation, I've found it to be very helpful.

[woodsgnome]

Anxiety can be pretty pernicious, and doubly hard to not feel fumes of anger/embarrassment (especially at self) in the process. This can happen in so many areas, too -- from losing/finding objects to getting hung up on what words to say or write, and then stepping back and all that pops out seems to be an 'uh-oh' or some other raid on one's self-esteem.

Then embarrassment weasels in and threatens one's thoughts and can even ruin several hours if not more. Knowing of your affinity for Tara Brach's materials, I'm hoping your eventual peace with this outcome expands into a well-deserved sense of empathy for yourself. May you find the anxious thoughts drifting away, like old wisps of smoke.

[Kizzie]

I once dropped my keys at the exact moment the elevator I was waiting on came and the doors opened. Guess where they went?  Yup, between the door and the floor - could hear them jangling all four floors down. 

I had to get building maintenance to come, turn off the elevator and retrieve them. I profusely thanked the fellow who retrieved them and he just laughed and said not to worry it happens more often than you would think.   

Anyway, his reaction helped me to shoo away my Inner Critic and tuck it all away as a funny moment rather than a shameful one. How people react to our moments can make all the difference    May your key story turn into a funny memory over time 

[Bach]

Oh, Jdog, I've had things like this happen to me so many times!  I think the most embarrassing one was after I'd been swimming at a new gym that was much bigger than the previous one I'd use.  I had left my eyeglasses in my locker, and because of disorientation in the locker room I didn't see my purple lock where I thought it was and I panicked thinking that someone had come and cut off my lock and taken all my stuff.  Severely nearsighted, I ran out to the gym office (which was up by the front door, in a glassed-in area) in my towel-robe freaking out because I couldn't see and I thought my glasses were gone with the rest of my stuff.  The guy in the office just told me to go look again, and of course, when I looked again it was there.  I can still feel the sickening mixture of relief, dirty leftover adrenaline and shame, utter shame I felt when I saw the purple lock right there where I left it.  I remember having to sit in the locker room and convince myself that I had not made a spectacle of myself because I hadn't been freaking out on the outside as much as I was on the inside, that nobody had noticed/cared that I was out in the main gym in my robe, and that the office guy forgot about it as soon as I didn't come back and I should not be afraid to walk past the office on the way out.  I haven't managed to make that memory into anything I can laugh about, but looking back on it does give me some perspective on how much better I've gotten at interrupting that kind of panic surge before it sends me haring off into an inappropriate response.

It's great that you have groups you find helpful.  I wish you continued peace and progress with this, because "mountain of awfulness" is a very good description indeed of anxiety.  I do a form of Buddhist meditation too, but it's something I do alone at my own house.  I would love to find some kind of recovery group which incorporates that kind of thing.  How did you find yours?  Any information you could share would be much appreciated.

I hope you're having a good day today 

[Not Alone]

.  I remember having to sit in the locker room and convince myself that I had not made a spectacle of myself because I hadn't been freaking out on the outside as much as I was on the inside,

I think this is a really good point. For many of us, part of survival has meant looking and functioning okay on the outside, when the inside is quite different. At the time of trauma, it wasn't safe to show what was happening. Looking okay on the outside was another form of protection and we became excellent at it.

[Jdog]

Oh, you are all such kind and dear people.  Thank you so very much for sharing your experiences of losing things and dealing with the panic that follows. 

Bach:  There is a Buddhist center in my town and I was browsing their website, and that is where I found the recovery groups.  If you are near any such centers, perhaps they offer something along these lines.  Also, try Googling the words "Refuge Recovery".  That is the title of a book by Noah Levine as well as a type of group that is available in some cities.  Many people attend these meetings as they are becoming sober from various addictions.  In my case, I am using the resource to deal with pain I never sorted  through even once I stopped drinking a few years ago.  Nobody cares why you attend groups, it turns out.  Everyone is there in humility and accepts others as they are - at least that is my experience.  There is also a 12 Step group that follows Buddhist principles and does meditation.

Woodsgnome- you are good to remember that I like Tara Brach.  I appreciate your poetic idea that my anxiety may blow away like wisps of smoke......that pernicious anxiety is a doozy at times.  But my new meds are beginning to help, I think.

Everyone - thanks so much!  What great supporters you are!