The Thoughts Are Coming Back

[OwnSide]

Hi.

I don't have plans or anything, they're just thoughts. And at this point I can kind of tell the difference between, Oh, that was just a random intrusive thought, shoo fly, no biggie, versus, Oh, hang on, I think I'm starting to perseverate on this. Oh hang on, I think I'm starting to seek relief by thinking about these things. That's not good, is it.

Anyway, I was looking at what kinds of thoughts made those feelings worse, and I came across a couple of themes. One was when I invalidate myself, (saying I'm not feeling what I think I'm feeling, or it's not as bad as I think, or other people go through worse, or it has to get worse before other people would care), and another was when I start forecasting an imaginary future in which I just continue on as I am, not talking about these things, not getting close to people because it's "safer". My brain just sort of goes, "How much longer do you think you can go on like this?" And I'm just like, "I don't know."

I know I need to stay alive for my cat and my sister, and I also know that the problems I want to escape wouldn't be "solved" by my leaving, I would just be relieving myself of having to deal with them. As much as I feel ineffectual about my circumstances, I know staying is the best outcome for everybody. It at least presents the possibility that I will figure out what I am trying to figure out and become who I am trying to be. I wonder if maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. But then, I am in this place now where I understand that certain things about my upbringing have caused problems for me, but I don't understand it well enough to be able to explain it properly. So it's hard to articulate why I'm concerned about how my family is raising my little sister when everything I'm seeing would be considered by others as normal and unproblematic. I'm torn between feeling responsible for her and fighting with myself about my perceptions. The longer this goes on, the more I worry about the time I'm losing and whether I'll ever be strong enough to speak up.

So I guess I'm writing this to prove to myself that I can take steps, and it won't always be the same. I know these feelings are temporary, but I get a little existential about how they recurr, and what is the truth then? Am I just perpetually distracting myself from the abyss?

I suppose I am looking for a little bit of compassion as well because I want to give it to myself but I am worried about the emotions that would unlock and so I am sort of stuck and continuing to use denial as a form of emotional regulation, to some extent. But no need to feel obliged. Only if you find it helpful to respond or are in an okay place mentally for doing so.

I've read over this a few times and I think I have explained things accurately. I hope so. I hope I don't regret sharing all this either, lol. It's been in my head for a while.

Okay seriously I'm done now, thank you for listening 

[Papa Coco]

Ownside,

Your post touches me deeply. I think about death all day long every day, so your post resonates with me on a personal level.

Thank you for being open about how you're feeling, and for reassuring us on the forum that you aren't in any danger of doing something you can't undo. Passive suicidality is common with us who live with CPTSD. I understand it, and I'm thankful to read that you are keeping control over it.

I can feel your frustration around how your parents are raising your little sister. You're a good person to be so concerned.

I don't have much to add. I just wanted you to know that I read your post, it touched me deeply, and I wanted to send you an honest, and sincere hug of compassion and friendship.

[OwnSide]

[Cascade]

Hi OwnSide,
I hear you.  Thank you for expressing all this.  It must've been hard.

Anyway, I was looking at what kinds of thoughts made those feelings worse, and I came across a couple of themes. One was when I invalidate myself, (saying I'm not feeling what I think I'm feeling, or it's not as bad as I think, or other people go through worse, or it has to get worse before other people would care), and another was when I start forecasting an imaginary future in which I just continue on as I am, not talking about these things, not getting close to people because it's "safer". My brain just sort of goes, "How much longer do you think you can go on like this?" And I'm just like, "I don't know."

I've had this same conversation with myself!  As a matter of fact, the last time it happened was what motivated me to do a search for trauma-informed therapists accessible through my health plan.  I didn't expect it to be fruitful.  I think I was actually trying to prove to myself that it would be impossible anyway, so why bother.  After nearly an entire day (after experiencing the emotions first thing in the morning)... I found one therapist.  So grateful, too, because she's awesome and exactly who I needed.

So it's hard to articulate why I'm concerned about how my family is raising my little sister when everything I'm seeing would be considered by others as normal and unproblematic. I'm torn between feeling responsible for her and fighting with myself about my perceptions. The longer this goes on, the more I worry about the time I'm losing and whether I'll ever be strong enough to speak up.

This is such a tough one.  I can relate through fearing for my brother's daughter when she was with her grandfather (my father, the perp).  I wasn't strong enough to say anything.  I hadn't had full recall of the sexual abuse yet, either, so I didn't have much to go on.  Then he died and that solved that problem.  I guess for you, my only question is to ask whether your little sister has expressed to you that she's had hurt feelings?  Maybe right now, you can just be a safe person for her.

So I guess I'm writing this to prove to myself that I can take steps, and it won't always be the same. I know these feelings are temporary, but I get a little existential about how they recurr, and what is the truth then? Am I just perpetually distracting myself from the abyss?

The way you worded this could've come from my soul!  How powerful.  I have the same fear that I am just perpetually distracting myself from the abyss.  I've said it much less elegantly, as simple denial.  Like therapy had always been just learning how to live in denial, because we never got down to the real roots so deeply.

So much digging.  It's so hard, I know.  We're all here for each other.
   -Cascade

[Desert Flower]

Hi Ownside,
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. You are here on this forum with people who understand.

So I guess I'm writing this to prove to myself that I can take steps,

I think you're quite right, it works the same for me. Writing here is a little step, even when I'm not doing much to change the situation right now, at least I'm aknowledging these feelings. That's a step. Not invalidating the feelings anymore, like I'm also used to, like my m always used to and I internalised. It's very important.

And I can relate very much to what you write about your little sister, that's hard to bear. Me I also worry about my (not so little anymore) brother, about him having these thoughts maybe. But he doesn't want to get into this 'psycho-babble stuff' and I don't dare bring it up.
I also have a few nephews who I saw grow up with an abusive dad (who had been abused himself by his m). I never dared say anything about it, although I could see what was going on, having lived through it myself. I feel so guilty about never saying anything. I'm just too scared to be the one who's 'making difficulties' in the family, I'm still very much keeping the peace and the appearances up.

I just wanna wish you well and I hope there will be better days for you. 

[Kizzie]

First off, big hug    because I've been there too and I know it's difficult to say the least.

I also wanted to tell you that this is very common, so common in fact that we have included an essay on it in the book we're writing here. It's about keeping SI in our back pockets so to speak because it provides us with relief from all that we are going through. "If I can't take it anymore there's always suicide." Not the best way to live life but it does provide the relief we need until we no longer feel the misery every day, day in and day out.

You mentioned having difficulty explaining how you feel and that's also quite common, but does tend to become easier with time. As you read posts by others it gives you the language to talk about your feelings/thoughts, and as you post it clarifies those vague feelings. The nice thing about that is it connects you with others who have similar thoughts/feelings and lets you know you are not alone. 

[Phoebes]

Own side, I response with your thought process and thoughts of SI, too. I think you expressed it well, you have such deep self-reflective abilities. I understand this constant struggle as well and am currently in it..