Gave police a video interview - got through it!

[holidayay]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I couldn't find a specific section for reporting abuse.
**TW SA**

So after many years of wanting to do this, and an attempt in 2015 which I felt too unsupported and weakened to go through with, I finally gave a full video interview to the police about the childhood abuse from my past by my siblings.
It feels like I have been through an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotions in getting to this point. Guilt, shame, a feeling like I was betraying them, sadness, anger, fury, devastation.....I wasn't sure how I'd cope on the day. I've been accused of all sorts by my family, which seems to be quite common, from what I've read on here and from what therapists have told me, can be expected from dysfunctional families towards victims. I've been accused of wanting to rip families apart, and driving perpetrators to suicide, and 'you bring this on yourself by choosing not to forget...' and so on and soforth.

Well, no. That's the answer I came to. I did not choose nor bring any of this onto myself. I was 5, and a little child. That's the end of that one.
And I decided I simply must go ahead with this because I believe in truth, in justice and bringing darkness into the light. And even if things don't progress like that, these form part of MY core principles and beliefs and to not act on my own principles would be to continue fuelling my false self and my own CPTSD; the part of it that believes the world is unsafe, and that I have no voice, or needs, or right.

I have all those things. They are our birthright, whether others wish to grant them or not.
It feels a bit surreal. That this final determined act, would put a halt to the false, fake narratives my family sold me for years, in order to protect their own lives and ensure I carried the weight of trauma firmly on my own two shoulders. It feels like there the nail in the coffin for that long-ago part of me that lived in denial and hope, or a 'somewhat normal' family. That I could pretend my mum isn't all that bad, or that my siblings' behaviour and the family dynamics can just be papered over.

No. To believe in that would be to deny my inner child the true horror and trauma of what she went through. That isn't fair. And it would deny me of any hope of a better future if I were to carry on feeding myself lies.

The one quote which stuck me with me and urged me to carry on my fight for the truth is by Alexander Solzhenitsyn:

"In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations."   

[Snowdrop]

Oh well done!

[Not Alone]

Courageous.

[sanmagic7]

 

i'm with both snowdrop and notalone in their praise and sentiments for being beholden to your truth and bringing it into the light.  i remember talking to my hub about 'snitching' - he was raised on the streets, so to be a snitch was the worst.  i told him that telling the truth about a wrong or having the back of someone important in your life (in our cases, that is often our own selves) is never snitching.  it is providing an opportunity to see reality and actually being able to then do something constructive with and about it.  it also allows someone to take on the responsibility and consequences for their actions, and finally opens the door to true healing.

well done, holidayay    it sounds like you got a lot of what you needed by doing this, especially being able to put the fault, shame, and blame where it rightly belongs, and empowering yourself as your own best caretaker.  you're amazing!  love and hugs

[Bach]

That's amazing, holidayay!  I can hardly imagine the strength and emotional fortitude it must have taken for you to do that.  I hope that you are feeling well, and that you get a good result from this brave and difficult act.

[holidayay]

Thanks all.
I am really glad I did it, I've spent years wanting to. I knew I couldn't live more years without doing it, it was gnawing away at me.

However...the old family dialogue is there and it makes me afraid. My bipolar sister who is heavily codependent on my horrible family members who use this to use her for their advantage.....she has been brainwashed by them to believe they are loving and wants to be with them always and has said to me in the past that she can't bear to be alone....what if my actions cause huge upheaval in the family and she is left alone? Or she has to endure the difficulties of their reactions when the police contact them? They are quite vicious and violent...
And......I don't know, I remember sometimes some of the nice things they did do for me like drop me off/pick me up, give me money when I needed it occasionally......am I a traitor?
I know how they will perceive this. If I was there, they would look sad and distraught and accuse me of seeking vengeance and pulling a tragic martyr card of 'how could you do this to your own family....remember when I did x, y and z for you....'

I'm still working on the conditioning by emotional abuse, guilt-tripping and manipulation. 'I did this for you, therefore you cannot object to my abuse or you are mean/nasty/unloyal/a traitor' etc was usually their modus operandi and it still works now in my head when I can totally imagine their reactions.
I almost feel like I am betraying them BECAUSE I didn't do anything about it for so long...like I have somehow led them to believe it didn't matter and they got away with it and now they will be crushed and frightened...

I know I sound like I have stockholm syndrome and this is just the conditioning talking but....a part of me still feels sorry for them and like I did betray them.
Its like they have convinced me to believe they cannot take responsibility because it makes them sad and mad and they should never deserve to be faced with the consequences of their decisions out of sympathy and my mind still somehow believes this
Will this sadness and perversed sense of loyalty subside over time? ....I hope so.