Relationship doubts

[nina]

Okay, so.. I feel ashamed to write it. I am feeling confused. After maybe 10 years of trying different relationships and always ending up more and more traumatized I now met someone who made me realise there was nothing wrong with me, I was agreeing on wrong people. First 4 months I did not think much, tried to enjoy it and was getting shocked that it actually lasted longer than 1 month, then longer than 2 months, then.. and so on. Everything just felt right.. It was not the "in love" feeling like I had in this toxic ones, more like really being fine around someone, and feeling a bit high.. maybe even not high, a bit more alive actually, I would call it. My life was quite * before, involving depression and suicidal thoughts, and I just wanted to keep it as much away from us as possible.

Until.. trying to start some deeper discussion I asked "what are you afraid of". And one of the answers was "that you will stop liking me".

And that caused: "why does he say it? does it look like i do not really like him? what if he sees something i do not see? what if i am about to hurt him? what if i don't feel anything for him actually?"

Since 1 month I am feeling this anxiety, as if I was pretending I like him, and he was about to find it out. I started judging my every thought, looking for smallest negative feeling when I am around him. I notice my feelings are changing because of this. Or maybe it was the opposite, my feelings are changing and that is why i feel anxious?

I do not know what to think. What I feel, what I want. In my life I only knew I wanted someone when they were not available. And when they liked me I felt disgusted by them. Now somehow none of that is the case, I was enjoying it egoistically, but after what he said I am terrified I will hurt him. Or myself, if I stay with someone I actually don't want to be with. But damn, I don't know. I know most people would say "if you don't know it means you don't want", but following this advice I already made a huge mistake once, don't want to repeat it either.

Deep inside I always believed I am not worthy of love. When I imagine my future I cannot imagine anything else than being alone. And not, I am not young.

Anyone has similar problem? It is not the first time I feel unsure when the other person is not avoidant. How to get certain in what I want and feel?

[Rainagain]

I think you should try to nip these ruminations in the bud, they are not helpful.

It is natural for someone to fear losing someone they care about, that is not something to treat as a problem, just a fact.

If someone doesnt feel that way about you walk away.

[Kizzie]

I do not know what to think. What I feel, what I want. In my life I only knew I wanted someone when they were not available. And when they liked me I felt disgusted by them. Now somehow none of that is the case, I was enjoying it egoistically, but after what he said I am terrified I will hurt him.

Is it possible that because he clearly does care about you and is worried about losing you you are having the same reaction to someone getting too close and needing/wanting you? 

Would you feel comfortable letting him know how you're feeling and exploring why together given you hadn't felt the need to push him away?  It may be old ghosts are trying to keep you safe when what they need to do is stand down and let you try taking this relationship further.

Just my thoughts   

[Sasha]

How is everything now, Nina?