Extreme Fear of Conflict

[plantsandworms]

I have such an extreme fear of conflict with others and of being vulnerable that sometimes I feel like the only solution is to completely remove myself from society. I'm in my late 20s now and it feels like it's only getting worse as I age and the list of ways I have been mistreated grows longer. I'm really struggling to imagine a future for myself in which I don't feel this way until I die, and that's a pretty hopeless picture. I've been in therapy and it helps with a lot of things but not yet with this. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be a different person but I know that I can't, and I don't want to live this way forever. How do I begin to deal with my complete lack of self-esteem and my extreme social fears?

[Kizzie]

Unfortunately most of us with CPTSD don't have the skills other people do so we need to learn or relearn them. As a place to start, what about Googling managing interpersonal conflict and see what information/suggestions are available?  For example, here's just one that popped up and it seems to have a lot of quality info/suggestions -https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/conflict-resolution.html. 

You could also focus on the issue with a therapist so you learn how to manage it and feel better able to deal with it. 

[saturnine]

I have the same fear, and I also avoid people to the point where I've nearly completely isolated myself because I can't deal with conflict. I think the missing piece, the thing that I'm missing is the inherent trust that I will be okay no matter what. If someone has an issue with me, that does not mean that I'm in danger physically, psychically, or even emotionally. It's a deeply learned response from childhood that I need to unlearn, but because I've cut myself off from society I'm worried I'll never get the chance to practice. The best thing I think I can do now is to just keep working on myself...keep developing trust in myself, trust that the world is a mostly benevolent place and things will work out. The more of an unshakeable inner self I build, the more I might be able to tolerate conflict, knowing it won't bowl me over as easily.

[nina]

Same with me. Someone advised me to try doing small things that someone would not like and see what happens (of course as long as I want them). So to learn on examples that I did something that could upset someone, but I am still alive and no one hates me for that (I am talking of stuff like taking a seat in metro,  or taking a piece of cake where there is less pieces left than the people in the room). But still have not managed to get a substantial change there. Even a small thing causes almost a panic attack.

[Kizzie]

Good for you for trying out some new behaviour Nina, I think that's a great way to unlearn things that are almost automatic responses because of the trauma we endured. Start small and work up from there. 

I've been working on seeing/feeling my usual trauma responses (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) firing up before they take hold without me even quite realizing it. That let's me ask myself if my reaction is warranted and gives me a little time to think before doing anything. Seems to be helping thankfully.

[nina]

Thanks, what I wrote was supposed to be an advice though, not asking for support What I meant: I was given this advice, and even though I find it hard, maybe it can work better for someone else, since it sounds quite plausible in my opinion.

[Rainagain]

This is probably madness but I think self defence training or martial arts might be useful.
I used to get this training for work, it both becomes automatic as a response if needed and the repetitive nature of it is quite enjoyable after a while.

I still isolate myself but I tell myself it is a choice rather than a necessity coming from fear.

This probably makes no sense at all.

[Alice-In-Wonderland]

My fear of conflict manifests as feelings of guilt for not 'speaking up' when I 'should have'. For instance if I am in a conversation where someone starts making sexist or racist comments I clam up and say nothing. Then I torture myself endlessly for not standing up for what I believe in. These are only two examples but there are countless others all the time, even trivial things that don't really matter at all or wouldn't cause any real conflict I never 'disagree' with what is being said. Then I carry the guilt and shame.

[hypervigilante]

Hello, thank you for sharing.

Without prying, may I ask, how long have you had your CPTSD or otherwise diagnosis?

I ask only to try to helpfully share my experience, though I know everyone is different. It took no fewer than 5 years after my diagnosis to begin to feel like some of my traits would unwind in my mind, connect, and even be able to identify some of my unhelpful behaviors "in the act"- so to speak. Much like you're describing with your awareness now.

I'm only 7 years diagnosed, and there's such a long way to grow from where I sit today, I'm too aware of that. But we're on this earth anyway, time passes anyway, I'm only here to tell you that truly this bad feeling never ever lasts forever. You will always unwind for this- I mean, you're awake even right now.

My favorite quote is from Charlie Chaplin: "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles." Helps me sometimes. That's where I begin.

I know how beautiful it would be to rip off the band aid and find yourself fully healed, or snap your fingers, because you've already taken more than you can bare. But if you can start, practice being patient with yourself. I always like to think about how old I was before I was diagnosed, and how many years it's been after. I think of it, playfully, like this: I'm 7 years old, after 22 years of learning an entirely different way to express and communicate myself that I am working to unlearn. I'm going to feel like I'm 7 for a while! I'm going to want to grow right up into healthy adulthood, but hey, I got my training wheels off my bike last week. I will have to see how I feel when I'm 22 years diagnosed and see if that version of me has been able to course-correct into a healthy place, because for those years I was responsible for raising myself. You can do this. Be patient with each step! XO