I shop to avoid feeling anxious

[Papa Coco]

I am finally ready to address my compulsion to use Amazon.com and weekly trips to Costco for the endorphin and dopamine rush that calms my anxiety.

I call it shopping porn. When anxiety is sending me through the roof, buying something cools me back down and settles my flight/freeze response. But that doesn't make it alright. I'm compelled to place orders on Amazon.com every time I feel anxious. I use Amazon to buy a lot of things I need, but more and more, I'm logging on without any item in mind.

If I leave a store without a purchase I feel empty, like I'm leaving a restaurant without having eaten. I shop until I see things I realize I didn't know I wanted, and add them to my cart as I go. I used to go shopping a lot at the malls, hardware stores, clothing stores, etc, but as I'm aging, I'm becoming more reclusive. Also, to avoid buying impulsively, I intentionally avoid malls and Ikea stores. Unfortunately, Amazon has it all now so staying physically out of stores isn't even a deterrent anymore.

My problem used to be worse. I would buy brand new cars more than once per year. The debts I used to rack up nearly cost me my home about 6 times over the past 40 years. I've curtailed the need for new cars, but I see now that I can sure spend a lot of money every week on large bags of small ticket items. I'm becoming acutely aware now that I do it because I'm trying to calm my anxiety by filling a bottomless hole in my chest. No other reason. Every week I throw away expired groceries that I overbought last week. My shopping can be a $400 power tool that I think would be fun to own, or a $3 bumper sticker that I may never put onto a car. Either way, hitting the "submit" button on Amazon, or running my credit card through the reader at Costco gives me a dopamine hit that makes me feel really, really good—for about an hour--or until the remorse makes me feel really, really bad.

Today marks the day I've decided this addiction is worth openly dealing with. I need to start by asking if other Trauma survivors have found ways to handle shopping disorders. I think it's the same as using alcohol, porn, gambling, cigarettes, or any other modality to trigger the endorphin/dopamine rush that calms anxiety.  I'm told that all addictive behaviors share the same purpose: To trigger a comforting shot of dopamine into the brain as a calming drug.

My plan is to quit compulsive shopping the same way I had to quit drinking and smoking—by openly talking about it as an addiction that I'm no longer okay with. The longer I shop in secret, the longer I'll shop at all. I'll repeatedly admit my addiction publicly until I finally start to take baby steps away from shopping to get through a bad day. My first fear is like what a good friend says to me; if I stop [shopping] what else will I do with my hands? Replacing one addiction with another is a slippery slope that can lead to just changing the name of the problem. How I choose to learn to deal with that horrific anxiety that grips me several times a week is what is on trial here.

Wish me luck.

[Dante]

Hi Papa Coco, I commend you for taking this step!  Shopping isn't a major issue for me, but that's because money was a major issue growing up (despite the fact we had enough, I was always made to feel like a horrible person for requiring the use of some of it for things like food, clothes, etc.  So I get very anxious spending any money at all.  But I have other addictions on my list that I am tackling in a similar way.  They served me once to help me deal with unmanageable feelings, but now that I know them for what they are, they don't help with those feelings, so there is no point perpetuating the denial.

Good luck!

[rainydiary]

Papa Coco, I can relate to being a person that has used shopping in this way.  Bringing awareness to my spending and all the other things I do to try to address (or often ignore) my feelings has been really helpful.  Over time I've tried to focus on spending my money on experiences versus things.  I wish you will as you navigate this change.   

[BeeKeeper]

Papa Coco,

Wow! This post shows a lot of self-awareness, it also reverberates with me. You're right, this behavior changes as we age, and since COVID-19 the reclusive aspect is fueling that fire.

My first fear is like what a good friend says to me; if I stop [shopping] what else will I do with my hands? Replacing one addiction with another is a slippery slope that can lead to just changing the name of the problem.

So true, what do we do if we stop one behavior? According to several authors I follow, we build new habits and along with them, like rainydairy said, new experiences. Shifting the focus from the "thing" to the need for interaction. Along the way, there will be relapses of sorts, but the forward looking gaze would be on learning more, better or different self-soothe behaviors. I definitely need to do this myself. The other aspect of "quitting" an addiction or habit, is to be able to tolerate those feelings which drive it, even if just 3% more. This advice was given to me by my T and I hated her for it. I can't do it well, but I am discovering "work-arounds" which allow tolerance a slight bit more.

I agree with Dante, in that it's courageous for taking this step. You are right in "coming out" about your shopping addiction. I've found once I come out about things I wanted to keep hidden, that it cements the road and allows the brain to start making new connections among a lot of things. Not like a scorekeeper, or on a notepad, but it's like giving yourself permission to think about it consciously, and then little solution thoughts will come in the  midst of daily life, when you least expect them. Kind of like Candid Camera! So smile and good luck.

[Papa Coco]

Awesome! I knew good suggestions would come if I opened up on this forum!

Beekeeper, YES!  I like what you said: The trick is in being able to tolerate the feelings that drive it.  I suspect that in my next session when I bring this shopping issue to my Therapist, he's going to recommend that when I feel the anxiety, I should let myself feel the panic, but instead of heading for the internet or the Costco, I should sit with it for a minute. I won't die if I just sit with the anxiety for 5 minutes to imagine him agreeing to sit with me (Kind of a Somatic Exercise I do with other anxieties) until it passes.

And RainyDiary, I'm intrigued by your comment that you've begun spending money on experiences rather than possessions. I always do the opposite. I buy the toys, but don't use them, so what good are the possessions anyhow? The idea of spending money on a day trip or a boat ride or a movie at the theater feels more relaxed to me than buying more clutter. I have tents and sleeping bags and hiking boots that have never been taken out of the box. It's crazy. I bought the tools for the experience, but stopped short of having the experience.

Dante, I suspect my drive to spend money on myself is for the same reason you resist it: In my upbringing my family made me feel like I was less than my peers by repeately making me into the one kid in the neighborhood without the basics, because my parents always used the excuse that they couldn't afford to buy me the basic things all the kids get, like an age appropriate bike or a baseball mitt, or music lessons (which I really wanted). If they'd been struggling financially I'd have accepted it just fine. The excuse would match reality. But my parents had a lot of money, which meant that I knew their excuse was a lie and I just wasn't worth spending it on. So today, I spend on myself, (And on my wife and my kids and grandkids) because, somewhere down deep, I still relate my feelings of being less than other people with the weak excuse that I once wasn't worth spending money on. So it makes sense that to make myself feel worth it, today I over-spend needless money on myself and my family.

The truth is I long to believe that one day, when I'm bored or anxious I'll head for a productive distraction rather than try to buy good feelings at the store.

I'm most grateful to have this forum of people with whom I can explore things like this. It's a HUGE help.

[rainydiary]

Papa, I thought of this thread this weekend because I spent a lot more money than I have in a while.  I bought things I feel like I need for the experiences...but I also definitely had some pent up stress that came out as spending money.  I quit my job and my last day is Friday. My husband still has a job, I have money saved, and I am working to get a new job.....but I am out of balance and probably overdid my spending.

A lot of my stress around money comes from my parents raising me live within my means.  This is not a bad approach but their manner of "encouragement" of it has warped my relationship with money.  I often feel guilty buying things I genuinely need for living my life (as in "I feel guilt for buying food").  And now that I won't be working for a bit, I feel like I need to be especially careful. 

This attitude entirely contrasts with how my husband was raised.  His parents live way beyond their means and have so much stuff in their house.  So he tends to associate buying things as a good thing - for instance he just bought a phone case we don't really need because it was cheap.

I appreciate you bringing this topic up, it has given me a lot to think on. 

[Papa Coco]

Hi RainyDiary,

Well at least I hope that what you bought will be something you can use, so it won't have been a waste. 

Also, I hope that quitting your job gave you some joy. We seldom quit jobs that we are enjoying, so I assume you are glad to be out of there. Good luck on transitioning to a new job. I hope you get something that makes you happier! I always found life itself was good when I was enjoying my job. So I hope you find a job that makes you happy and lets you feal fulfilled.

I can relate to your husband's parents having too much stuff in their house. Mine is a disaster area, due to 32 years of living there with a shopping habit. I worry about what my kids will have to go through if I die. It'll take them months and multiple dumpsters just to get the house ready to sell. I can just hear their angry cursing of my name if I don't get this cleaned up before I die. LOL.    They'll be thinking of how their inheritance would be so much bigger if I hadn't purchased so much unneeded junk with their inheritance money.

I am trying to cull and remove as much stuff as I can, but it's difficult. Stressful. So much of what I need to throw out/give away is stuff I really thought I once wanted. A lot of it is still in the box. A lot of it once had great meaning to me, so as I dig it up, blow the dust off, and contemplate throwing it away I feel like I'm betraying the joy I once felt at buying it.

I have been holding back a bit, but not completely. I did buy a few items the past few days to decorate my home and Jeep with for the upcoming Halloween Holiday. I drive a bright orange Jeep Wrangler that I like to put magnetic pumpkin faces on every October. This year I can't find the faces I'd cut out last year, so I just ordered a whole new sheet of black magnetic sheeting so I can cut out another pumpkin face for my Jeep's front doors before Halloween comes and goes. The proper thing to do would be to tear the garage apart and find last year's purchase, but after an hour of frustration today, I finally just took the easy route and went to Amazon and ordered another role of magnetic sheeting. I gave in. I won't get it for a week, but I'm sure now that I've ordered it, I'll find the one I bought last year.    Something more for the kids to throw in the dumpster after I'm gone.

Spending like this is so much easier than organizing what I already own. If I would just organize my garage, I'd have a place just for car parts, and that's where I'd have put it. But shopping is easier. So...dang.

[Dante]

Progress, not perfection!  I am trying to learn to be gentle with myself when I fall short of the goal.  It's taken me years to learn these bad habits and I think I have to accept it will take years (if ever) to completely be rid of them.  But I'm trying, and it sounds like you are too!