Where is this work taking me?

[Geopolis]

Years ago I worked with a T who helped me develop a safe place through EMDR. A bedroom sized birds nest lined with feathers in a sprawling wheat field. I periodically go there to re-center and relax. 7 years later I returned to the same man ready to dive deeper into my past.

So far he's introduced me to my 7 year old self, enlightened me that there may be more than one child, then led me to 3 and 14 year old me. The whole process has split me wide open. I wake up feeling so small. I flinch at unexpected times. My heart hurts so incredibly bad at all times. These poor kids are looking to me for help and I don't know if I have the strength to withstand the grief I feel for them.

Last session I hugged the two little ones tightly in the nest and cried with them while 14 watched unwilling to join. I'm aware I have to earn his trust but it is heartbreaking because I feel his suffering.

The trust I have for my therapist is boundless right now but I was not fully prepared for feeling shame at this level for this long. I ask myself hourly... Where am I going? What is happening to me? What/who am I grieving?

Thank you all for listening

[Kizzie]

In addition to comforting younger me, one thing that worked quite well was to invite her to have fun, the thing she didn't get to do much when I was a child. It went a very long way toward balancing the pain, like putting a salve on a wound.  I could hear/feel her upset all the time before and now she feels more a calmer part of me. Definitely much less upset/lonely/afraid. 

Currently working on helping teen me, but that's another story 

[johnram]

Hi Geopolis

I have done a lot of parts work with EMDR, and what you are doing is exactly right

in time the 14 year old and other parts will see how you are caring for other parts and loosen the guard

its hard, and they have done a wonderful job in keeping you safe (i realised i was talking about my parts as i typed this and started to cry)

keep giving them space, give them love, little words of encouragement, it will come - they want to share but its hard

hope that makes sense

much love to you on your journey or the strength and courage it takes