Emotional flashback - Triggered - TW

[brightlight]

My mind has been swarming as to what my previous work situation has been reminding me of. Its understandable I was upset by what happened - in short bullying and harassment, my boss lying and blaming me.

The disconnection I felt with this situation as I moved branches reminds me of when I told my friends when I was 13 I had been abused by my dad and he said I was lying. I couldn't go to my dad's house which was my only desperate refuge from my step dad's alcoholism and emotional abuse, my mum backed my step dads every word and action. I changed as a person,  wouldn't say I was confident before this but I was annihilated starting at 13, lost my friends and all my issues in the world seemingly began. I have never been able to feel anything about this period in my life or the ensuing years afterwards up until now.

For some reason this has also been triggering and upsetting me where it never had before. Years later, I was in my early twenties, I tried to trust a man and he was my first boyfriend, it was a very brief relationship. I had serious issues being around men and struggled talking to most people but with men it was worse. I had been abused so badly and felt ashamed around people buy mainly men. I had severe physical issues due to my past abuse and was in pain and discomfort all the time. Anyway I entered into a relationship with this man. I thought maybe he could help me trust men again. He violently raped me which was the worse/same pain I'd ever felt in my life. I felt this pain as a child when I was 5/6 being raped. My so called bf wouldn't stop when I asked him to and kept on going. I was in pain for days afterwards and could barely sit down. I was so niave as to 'proper' relationships, I thought this pain was partly due to sex. I didn't want to think the way he 'had sex' with me wasn't consential. I met him once after this and he was distant, aloof and even tried to have sex with me again. I thought this was normal. Also my fault my body wouldn't let him. My body didn't let him the first time but he forced him self inside me. Then he dumped me. I thought there was something wrong with me physically. Which of course there was but years later through sex therapy I have learned this can get better. I have diagnoses for what was wrong, what I am still dealing with. I didn't know why this came up with my work situation but I think it is because what it initially reminded me off with loss and abandonment of having no escape from my abusive step dad and being abandoned by my mum. It was my dads S.A which lead me to being stuck with them and then then the physical and emotional pain I've never been able to release from the rape. 

This was a release writing this.

[saylor]

brightlight, I'm so sorry that that was done to you, both as a child and later in life, and that you felt you had no safe place to be, growing up. It's a horrible thing to have to stilll be dealing with the fallout, psychologically and physically and relationship-wise 

[Not Alone]

My heart hurts for you and the pain you have experienced.

[Three Roses]

I'm so very sorry to hear what you endured. You're courageous to talk about it. ❤️

[brightlight]

Thank you for your kind words, this helps me.