Still More Unresolved Trauma - Feeling Hopeless

[Bach]

This morning I had to go to a gynaecologist for symptoms I've been having that I was hoping would go away but instead have gotten worse.  It was unsettling to be out with the current situation, and doubly so to be going to a doctor's office in building full of doctor's offices.  That probably primed me emotionally for what happened when I was there.  I had to wait for a very long time for the doctor to come in and during that time for reasons that I might write about in my personal journal if I can stand to, I started to go into an emotional flashback of traumatic experiences I had with gynaecology as a young teenager.  I did all the coping things to fight it off, but as the time passed it was harder and harder to stay calm.  When the doctor finally came in to do the exam and I was brought fully back into the present by telling her about my current condition, I thought I would be okay, but then halfway through the exam I lost it and burst into howling, hyperventilating tears.  I have always struggled with pelvic examinations without really knowing why, and today it came back in full force.  On the one hand, I know it's a positive thing that I understood what was happening to me emotionally, and that I was able to cope well enough to finish the exam and then get myself home safely.  On the other, it feels absolutely horrible to have been smacked in the face not only with the distress but also with the reminder that I still have vast areas of trauma that I have barely even thought about, much less dealt with.  I have been completely useless today and I feel nothing but dread of tomorrow.  I have therapy tomorrow and I can't even stand the thought of that.  I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. 
 

[Not Alone]

Oh Bach, that sounds awful. No wonder you want to sleep, if that feels somewhat safe. I have care and compassion for you.

[Bach]

I appreciate you so much, notalone 

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry, Bach, it sounds horrid. I hope you've been able to sleep.

[Bach]

I deeply appreciate you, too, Snowdrop  

I slept but with wall-to-wall nightmares.  I'm up and doing a little work today, though, so that's good.

[Kizzie]

So sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else that's going on right now Bach    I  think we're likely to use up what resources we have faster/easier when there's trauma like COVID-19 to deal with on top of our relational trauma. I'm glad you were able to figure things out, might not seem like much right now but it's a big step forward IMO       

FWIW I think sleeping isn't necessarily a bad thing. It helps us to distance ourselves somewhat from the deluge of COVIS news which takes a toll, but it also helps our body/brain/heart rest and recharge.    Sorry to hear you had nightmares though, hope tonight will be better.

Just a suggestion but would you feel comfortable asking your T for a compassionate, gentle, kind, reassuring session vs getting into the meat of your trauma? A sort of a 'therapy hug' if you will? 

[Blueberry]

Oh no, Bach, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that today. I care about you and am sending compassion.

Just a suggestion but would you feel comfortable asking your T for a compassionate, gentle, kind, reassuring session vs getting into the meat of your trauma? A sort of a 'therapy hug' if you will? 

Gentle, safe 

[Not Alone]

So sorry you had nightmares. That is awful. I wish I could see you IRL. We'd wrap up in blankets with all kinds of bad for you food----comfort food----and color and watch a T.V. or movie and play games. (I think my Littles are helping to write this!) Love and hugs. 

[Kizzie]

    

[Bach]

Those are such lovely and comforting thoughts, notalone and Kizzie.   

I am struggling today.  I've been feeling really worthless and angry at myself.  Yesterday I had a "good" day, felt okay and got a bunch of useful things done, but I had to abuse my medications and abandon some of my most important self-care to do it, so now I am paying for that.  I am managing the best I can today, and striving to be kind to myself and pull myself back on track with meds and self-care.

I should mention that my symptoms did not turn out to be anything seriously wrong, thank goodness.  They were just scary because most of them were atypical for the non-threatening and easily treated issue I'm having.  I will hopefully soon get some relief from that and I'm sure that will improve my outlook.

Thank you for being here, now more than ever.  I feel less angry and more able to show myself some kindness just having written this.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad writing has helped. Please know that you are worthy of kindness, dear friend.

[Not Alone]

Bach, you are worthy of kindness and care. 

[Kizzie]

Big    Bach, so glad you're doing better and symptoms were not anything serious