FOO emotional and verbal abuse - and C-PTSD

[MaggieMayCat]

uNPD/BPD brother is a carbon copy of uNPD/BPD father.  Throw and enabling mother in the mix and there you go.  It does not matter what he does, what he says, who he hurts - it's always all about him and enM supports him completely.  Since he was born he has been the GC of the family - which really sucked for him in the long run because he really doesn't have the wherewithal to stand on his own - although to hear him tell it - he's da bomb and is the smartest guy ever... he has a Ph.D. (in education) and has adopted the pervasive mind set of many professorial types who have spent their lives in academia - elitist and snobbish about their so called "status."  He uses this as the basis for all his views, opinions, and agendas.  Treats others (no matter the background) like the dirt beneath his shoes.   If anyone disagrees with him they better have Kevlar on because it will get nasty quick.

The big blow up was over the preparations for our Mother's 80th birthday event last year... no one seemed to think it was important that I was included in any of the prep/planning discussions and from what I can find out, I was the last to be told - after all the cousins, outlaws, inlaws.  So, my wonderful DH and I crafted an email that basically called them on it - specifically the uNPDBro who was in charge of setting everything up... this is what we sent:

"I'm very glad ya'll are doing the event for Mom's 80th birthday.  I think she will enjoy it.   DH and I talked about it last night and unfortunately we cannot make it - He has a Meeting that lasts all day Friday and he has to fly to X out of X first thing Monday morning. If we had known about this earlier and/or been included in the planning, perhaps we could have worked it out - but since everything had been worked out beforehand, there's no way for us to work it out.  Please don't forget about us when doing these type things for Mom.  She's my Mom too.  I'm guessing this was unintentional - but it hurt nonetheless.  Don't leave any more cryptic messages about us needing to discuss stuff for Mom - about her getting old and we need to do stuff for her - just get straight to the point - I was terrified that something had happened to her.  If the message had stated that we're planning a party for Mom's 80th and we want to work out the details, I would not have been so spun up when you called.  After listening to the voice mail two or three times, I realize that you were trying to be sarcastic about her age - it was very hard to tell.  I just worry about her."

We tried very hard to be non-confrontational and non-accusatory but I guess we would have had to just accepted what he'd decided to do and not say anything...

And, this was the answer we got back:

"I am sorry that you have chosen to misinterpret my good intentions in such a negative manner. You seem to have really gone to a lot of effort to put a bad spin on things. I called you soon as Mama decided what she wanted. The fact that you ascribe some odd meaning to my "cryptic" message is something that is in your court -- there was no such intention. I once more find myself in the position of attempting to do something nice and being attacked for it ( I guess one day I will learn). I have tried on numerous occasions over the last several years to reconcile with you, and each time you manage to sabotage my efforts. No more. I am done. I will be civil ( as I have been to the best of my ability), but I am not available for emotional blackmail anymore. I will keep you informed as to any dire circumstances that you should know about, but I will no longer pretend there is any hope of a positive relationship with you. Fifty-six years of abuse is more than enough! I wish you and DH the best in all things. "

The stuff about the "cryptic" messages stems from uNPDBro leaving voice mail messages about Mom when she's in the emergency room or having a serious health issue.  He will say - call me - it's about Mom... with no further details - and when we call him back he's usually unavailable or doesn't answer the phone.  This has been an issue for many years and he knows better - even EnM has gotten on him about this.

The email he sent was one of many hurtful and nasty things he has done - but this was the first time I had it in writing where he couldn't go back and revise the history - I finally had something concrete that he couldn't change or deny... he couldn't tell me I was delusional or crazy.

Several months after this email, he got upset because I unfriended him on Facebook... because he damaged the house I was allowing his daughter to live in for nothing but the utilities and refused to acknowledge or pay for the damage.  He got EnM to ask me why I'd done that, his feelings were hurt and he didn't know what he'd done wrong...  EnM kept pushing me as to why I unfriended him and for the first time in my life I blew a gasket and unloaded on her - told her exactly what I thought of uNPDBro, her blind support of him, how she didn't protect me from uNPD/BPD father's rages and accusations and so forth.  I was flat out ugly to her.  I did call her back the next morning and apologized for being ugly but did not take back a thing I'd said about uNPDBro's behavior/actions - told her that uNPDBro was no longer welcome in my home.

Her response was a guilt laden spiel about Christmas, holidays, family events, and the crown jewel - how are we supposed to let you know I'm in the hospital or am really sick?   I felt myself beginning to spiral downward but stopped and then said - well have his SIL call me - she's a reasonable person or have your brother call me... Oh, no, can't have my brother call you - we don't want to them to know.  So, that's where I am - dealing with the dysfunctional FOO and being the Scapegoat.  The fact that she didn't want her brother to know about the issue was very telling - gotta keep that perfect family image in tact.

Getting back to the subject and off the rant - he really has no clue the amount of emotional damage he's done over the years and of course if confronted with it, he goes ballistic and inflicts more damage.  They (brother and Mom) are just plain blind to the effect their words and actions have on those around them. 

FOO sets off almost every trigger I have and will send me into a depression/anxiety spiral that lasts for weeks.  EnM tries to force me to engage with uNPDbro and gets very upset with me because I don't make it easy - don't just go with the flow or let them do what ever they want when I'm involved.  The boundaries I've set with them are one of their biggest issues and regularly used to attempt to browbeat me into submission.  Since coming OOTF and seeing their behavior for what it is I no longer volunteer or get volunteered for abuse - ambient or otherwise... so they are ticked off and upset with me because I will not play narc games anymore.  Now I have to figure out a way to short circuit the triggers so FOO truly has no effect/affect on me.  I'm hoping that continued therapy and this board will help me move forward... so thanks in advance.

[Kizzie]

Hi Maggie - so sorry to hear about this latest round of dancing with PD FOO.  It's so tiring isn't it and in the end you are right back where you started - trying to live with a personality disorder in a way that doesn't diminish your sense of worth and happiness and safety and well you know, the list goes on.

The only thing that has worked for me was to go NC with my UNPDB - I just could not do the dance with him anymore. We constantly were reinforcing boundaries because he would "forget" and he was all about the circular logic and "winning" any discussion.   UNPDM tried to get us back together too so we had to make it clear she was not to triangulate any more.  She seems to have accepted it but it took a while.  We are also very LC with her and that helps with triggering a lot.

  We just got to a point where we realized how focused you have to be on someone with a PD even when you have figured out strategies for managing their behaviour and we just weren't prepared to expend that much energy anymore.

When  I read your post I felt like I was right back in the chaos and drama of PD land - ugh.  I do hope you can figure out how best to minimize the triggering and in a way that works well for you and your FOC. I know how awful the anxiety and depression can be.  

[MaggieMayCat]

Kizzie - thanks so very much for the reply.  Have had a rough couple of days - just found out they will be in my area for a week relatively soon - I wish they just wouldn't tell me - wish they would just leave me the * alone. 

I know I can physically make it through the visit - but mentally, I'm not so sure any more.  It just makes me physically ill to the point where I have to rely on the anxiety and depression meds a lot more than I want.  I try very hard to only take the minimum or not take them at all if I can and running back to them feels kind of like failure.  The anticipation of these visits is horrible and makes the C-PTSD/PTSD really take center stage. 

Compartmentalization doesn't seem to work well, staying busy helps some, but there's only so much gardening, painting, or house work that can be done.  Most of my days are spent alone - by choice - social anxiety is a big trigger for me and I usually do better in social situations when DH is with me.  He's a dear soul who loves me to distraction - don't know where I'd be without him... and he needs his alone time too because he works very hard and we all need down time. 

There are times when I'd like to just cut my brother to shreds - he has tortured me for so many years that just being in the room with him - or for that matter, the same town makes me start physically shaking.   He is the carbon copy of Dad - arrogant, entitled, know it all, who is really a hurt little kid inside with adult weapons at his disposal that he never hesitates to use if anyone dares to cross him. 

I do pretty good with talking myself down but there are days when that is not even a possibility.   There is no support from within the FOO - cousins  scattered as soon they could get away from their dysfunctional families (courtesy of paternal grandmother)... All of us have had problems associated with abuse.  The only one who has "survived" is my uNPDBro who just seems to enjoyed his entitled, golden child position.  He uses his position to further abuse and dominate every family visit or event.  EnM just dotes on him, pampers him, rescues him... then tells me to just get along, go with the flow, don't upset him.   So, I've lost my mom and only sibling... kind of a living death - that's what makes it so very hard... knowing they are there, but care so little about their only daughter/sister.

I want to lash out, take him down a couple of pegs, shut him up, scream at him, tell him to leave me alone, tell him he no longer has a place in my life and I never want to hear from him again - ever.   When he starts his spiel about how wonderful he is - remind him about coming after me with a baseball bat because he couldn't find something in his room and EnM covering up the evidence so he wouldn't get in trouble, shooting me in the face with a toy arrow (still have the scar) - didn't even get a stern talking too (oh well, Boys will be boys), see if he wants to talk about when he didn't make the baseball team and cried for two days, when he blew a full ride scholarship and dropped out of the military academy after one year, about EnM paying his estate taxes when he blew through a 6 figure inheritance... all those things he doesn't want talked about... and see how he likes it... but that would be cruel and I just can't do cruel - it causes me great pain to be cruel to others... because I know how it feels when people are cruel to others.  Unfortunately, he has no such compulsion - it's OK to be cruel or dismissive, to hurt others (intentionally or otherwise) for no other reason than to make himself look/feel better about himself.   So there he sits, all puffed up like some glorified toad... lording it over the rest without a clue that the rest of us really know the "emperor" isn't wearing any clothes.       Rant over.

DH and I go to the CPA to have our taxes done today and I think that may be part of today's issues - terrified that I will forget some random piece of paper or some small detail.  This is a trigger from 1st marriage - being annihilated for each and every little mistake by uBPDExH.  DH would never do anything like that - he's a pretty happy go luck fellow.  Also read a post on OOTF that really hit me right in the gut - someone was using an example of something they would never say to a sibling about losing a pregnancy.  Reporting it crossed my mind, but that wouldn't help me or the other person who is in a lot of pain too.  It was a knee jerk reaction... sometimes its very hard not to to give into those knee jerk reactions. 

I have essentially gone NC with him - will not talk to him, don't want to talk about him with EnM, don't want to see him... But - there's always the "but" - Enabling Mom has to have her family "image" fix - where everyone gets together for a meal - most everyone is uncomfortable, on edge, stilted.  This next visit I am not going to participate - I will visit with her alone but not with uNPDBro anywhere around.  If it makes her sad, so be it.  Perhaps if she had protected me from him when we were children, or not raised him as the golden child it would be different.  I am going to take care of me and mine and let EnM and uNPDBro take care of themselves.  Just hope I can stand strong and not give in... DH may have to come to the rescue on this one.

[MaggieMayCat]

Wow - sadist/masochist - that's it!  Logically, I know there is no way to get through to either one of them.   I absolutely have to change how I react... now to sort out the puzzle that causes my brain to go into overdrive when triggered.

DH and I talked at length last night and his thoughts were that the best thing for me would be to just ignore uNPDBro because he usually shows his a$$ and everyone knows he's the problem... deal with EnM on a LC basis.  He told me that the stress of going NC with EnM would increase my stress levels to pretty much unmanageable levels because I'm not quite ready to go there yet.  I did give him the go ahead to take uNPDBro out at his discretion - he assured me that he would take care of me and handle the situation when/if it occurs.  uNPDBro has been pretty subdued since the big blow up with enM - now he just sits there and rolls his eyes, smirks, chuckles to himself - like its all a big joke.  Eventually, he is going to step back up to his usual narc behavior... so now it s just a waiting game. 

Biggest trigger yesterday was having our taxes done... but I think it may have been something I had to go through to get rid of the trigger - DH was absolutely wonderful... told me that no matter the outcome, we would be fine - if we forgot something it wouldn't be a problem, we'd find what ever it was and get it fixed, no muss, no fuss... So, I survived it and in the end the news was all good - we had everything, the CPA thanked us for being organized, and we were done in less than an hour.   So, one small battle won.  This was a step in the right direction to heal from the abusive legacy of the uBPDExH's financial and verbal abuse.