People's bad treatment - Blaming myself - EF

[brightlight]

I subconsciously blame myself when people treat me badly especially if I have known them a while or are/were friends. I know within myself their behaviour is their problem and not my fault. It is like a battle I have with myself. I don't l know if this is the inner critic?

There was a friend I had known for a long time who had upset me on two previous occasions one by not communicating she had went into a venue and leaving me waiting outside for almost half an hour (difficult as I hate standing about and feel people are watching me) and for making insensitive comments about my abuse (she often makes comments without thinking) So I decided to distance myself from her. She wanted to meet at least once or twice a week and due to the above I wanted to protect myself. I had not seen her for months at a time for years and now because she was at a loose end she was clinging to me.

She wanted to go to a play which I had said months ago I would like to go, so honoured this although I didn't want to go with her (I should listen to this) We started bickering a bit as she had become in the past months quite arrogant and it was getting on my nerves, she always thinks shes right. I said to her she wasn't being a good friend leaving me outside waiting on her when she never communicated anything and I wouldn't expect any friend to do this.

When we got outside after the play she exploded into a tirade, screaming in my face saying continually 'you never said sorry' (It did sound ridiculous!) I was literally two minutes later than we planned to meet and she was one of the first at the venue. She is always late for everything. I said she was drawing attention and tried to reason. The only thing I did wrong was not walk away. I am working on this. As a child I had to stay and listen to abuse, so its like a freeze reaction. I was off sick from work at this time. She also knows about my mental health problems - CPTSD, depression, anxiety. I text her after 2 weeks to say I didn't want to see her again after her volatile outburst and can't believe she did this to someone with severe form of PTSD which she replied saying I was playing the victim etc.

I know this is her issue which I told her, if she thinks her reaction is 'normal' she needs help. And that I have had enough of this type of behaviour in my life. One things she said in her many abusive messages was that I have had a lot of bad endings and this has kind of stuck with me. People have treated me badly and things have ended badly but I don't believe this was my fault yet is niggles at me.

There was this 'friend', work (bullying) and a couple of other people I thought were my friends treating me badly and being abusive and nasty which still get to me. I think, if this happens in 3-4 different places then this must be me? I know what happened in each of these scenarios, the recent friend thinking she's always right, my manager not managing and blaming me to deflect from himself, a 'friend' turning people against me though her jealousy etc.

Does anyone else have this internal battle?

[Bach]

So much!  In fact, last summer I discovered that I had CPTSD and found this forum as a result of an incident in which I was kicked out of a social group I'd been part of for years because one member of that group had never much liked me and decided it was time for me to go.  I wasn't given any kind of hearing, or even given a reason.  This was totally contrary to the way the group had always represented itself as operating, but instead of standing up for myself I apologised and slunk away with my tail between my legs even though I had done nothing to deserve that kind of abrupt and ugly rejection.  At this point, I am much less upset about not being part of that group anymore than I am about having taken the blame and abnegated myself that way.

[Not Alone]

I think it is healthy to look at a relationship and to ask oneself what part I play in the problems. Unfortunately, those of us with abuse have a difficult if not impossible time seeing that clearly and without self condemnation.

As a child I had to stay and listen to abuse, so its like a freeze reaction.

Me too.

she replied saying I was playing the victim etc.

You aren't "playing" anything. You were a victim and what happened in your past continues to affect you. That is reality.

[brightlight]

Thank you notalone that was nicely put when you said I wasn't playing anything.

I am sorry Bach you were treated this way. This wasn't fair and wasn't your fault.

I think I am just very hurt by the behaviour of these people. Its like they feel they can behave like this towards me. Do they sense a weakness? A psychologist once said to me 'They see something in you' 'It's a fundamental human fault' I am shocked by their behaviour. Tbh a lot of people have more than one bad story about so called friends or work colleagues which makes me feel better but they can manage to not let it effect them and move on. 

I think its a trauma defense to blame yourself as to how others treat you. This happens in early development in childhood. The child believes 'I am bad' when a child gets treated badly wheras as a healthy functioning adult can decipher 'This is your problem' and not feel they are responsible for the behaviour.

[Three Roses]

Being treated badly as a child lowers our expectations of others and the standards which we hold others to, for how we allow ourselves to be treated. For more on this, research "repetition compulsion". Here's a good article - https://www.perpetuaneo.com/familiar-comfortable-relationships/

[brightlight]

Thank you so much Three Roses, that article made so much sense to me. In fact it is the best information I have read in relationships and how they are meant to feel. I'm going to carry that with me.

I am much better at identifying red flags but it is not always obvious, so how you are meant to feel around someone is important to hightlight, also that two very different people don't work - I have often thought this. A balance is needed. If you don't mind I would like to use this quote from the article:

'Ultimately it comes down to respect, and knowing whatever opinions you express, whatever you find funny, or engaging, or insulting, your partner will listen to you, whether they agree with you or not.'

Its funny as I always try to listen and hear others out without judgement but long to have others treat me with the same respect.

Maybe I am unintentionally trying to fix my past relationships and these people bully, threaten and verbally abuse me as had happened when I was growing up. What I am proud of myself for is ending the last 'friendship' which ended up consisting of this.

When I told one of my friends how this one who erupted at me had behaved he said to me'You need better friends' No judgement, no blaming me - the problems is with her. So this is what I need to work on. Comfort and respect. (I like how excitement is in with comfort too in the article)