Confusion

[Bella]

I feel so confused these days! I just got a new GP which is very emphatetic and and actually "see" me. For some reason, that alone throws me into a full blown EF and I turn into this shameful, needy litle ****! Don't get it. If the GP wasn't empathetic and nice, I would understand!... anyway... She thinks that the diagnosis of CPTSD does fit for me, so now I officially have the diagnosis. It was actually a huge relief at first, cause I've felt this to be accurate to how I feel and my situation in general when it comes to symptoms and stuff. But now I rant on about how I've probably have exaggerated both my symptoms and what happend in my childhood, and feel just as confused as I was before I recieved any validation from any doctor or therapist.
I just don't know what to make of this and how to make my mind stop spinning like crazy! And how can I know what the real truth about my situation is? Objectivly speaking, I know I had an abusive father growing up, and a mother that drowned herself in work to cope with life. She was not available, and did not recognice how damaging our father was. I've read enough about emotional abandonment and abuse to know that alone can cause CPTSD. Stil I have such a hard time accepting it. Before this I struggled to make doctors and therapists to see the connection between my symptoms and my childhood... and now this?!
Don't know what to make of it all. Anyone familiar with confusion like this?

[Jazzy]

It makes sense to me that you were triggered by your new GP. For me, (in the past) an authority figure being nice was just a display for the public, and it would usually be worse than normal when we were no longer in public. If this is true for you as well, then perhaps your mind is waiting for that second phase to come. In short, its hard to accept empathy when it was never available at a younger age.

I think a lot of confusion like this comes from not trusting ourselves. GP, therapist, psychiatrist... none of them are living our lives. It doesn't matter so much what they say. Its your life. How are you feeling? How are you reacting? What has the past done to you? Those are the questions that really matter.

I'm not exactly sure how to word it, but I think another thing is that accepting means that you're worthy of being included, and feeling worthy is something we all struggle with.

Healing takes time and a lot of effort. ICr tries to get in the way a lot, but we have to keep reminding ourselves (and each other), not to let ICr win, but to be kind to ourselves.

All the best!

[Bella]

Thank you, Jazzy, for your words. It's probably true the part about confusion coming from a lack of trust in ourselves. I don't trust my self one bit. It's like sometimes i don't even recognize or feel familiar with the words coming out of my mouth! "Where did that come from?!?"
I guess what resonates the most within us, in our whole being, is what is closest to the truth about ourselves. First time I read about CPTSD symptoms, my jaw dropped! It was like someone had just described me! But then confusion hit...
I'm just so desperate for the truth! I don't want to linger in all of this crap if it's not the truth about who I am, and what I have experienced.
And thank you for validating my reaction to the GP... It's so humiliating, and my ICr won't stop taunting me about how pathetic I am, and how much the GP must hate to have to work with me. But then again, she wants me to come every week, and she is by no means obligated to offer me that.
Everything is a f****** conflict and a contradiction! ..... And as I say that, I know that isn't the truth either! 
Just feels so messed up. I know it's possible to start loving oneself... but have no idea how to start that process. Self loathing explodes when I try to be nice to myself.

[Bermuda]

Wow, this post resonated so deeply with me. I feel the same confusion, and the same questioning of myself and others constantly.

I don't actually raise my voice ever, or speak much at all, but just as an analogy, it's as if sometimes I feel like I have to scream for people to notice there is a problem with me, and then afterward feel shame as if I misled them or exaggerated myself. I never realised before this could be a CPTSD thing. I suppose it can take a lot to learn to trust ourselves enough to advocate for ourselves and dignify our needs. I'm glad you found GP willing to see you. That's a door that is open.

[Bella]

Hi Bermuda!
I'm really sorry I never got back to you on this... Normally I would, so I don't know why. Maybe the good old brainfog thing... 
I really follow you on the urge to actually scream it out for people to finally understand that something is wrong! I am and feel wrong! In the core of my being. Damaged beyond repair!
I know that's not the truth... it can get a  whole lot better. But that's how it feels. Other people only see the facade, which is a form of coping mechanism, I guess....
Anyways, I stil struggle with confusion, but not to the same degree as when I wrote this post. I do find more peace about what has truly happened to me and the consequences I face because of it.
Hope that's how it is for you too...