Nightmares

[owl25]

This is the third day in a row that I have woken up from a nightmare surrounding my mother's death.  Her death was very sudden and happened really fast. The cleaning out of her home and the sale of the home happened on far too fast a timeline that I had no control over. I feel traumatized by all of this, that things couldn't go at my pace. Had I been able to manage things, her home would not be sold for another year, and I'd have the time to think through what to do with her things. The nightmares are about being back in that situation, being rushed, having no time, having to make snap decisions, and she's not there. I can't find her anywhere, I am trying to find her but she's gone. I can't wake up and tell myself I am safe now, that it was just a bad dream. The situation in the nightmares is the situation when I wake up. This horrible thing happened and I can't change it. The awful feelings that go with the nightmare are real and I don't know how to work through them. Everything still feels so fresh. I can't tell myself it's in the past now because it isn't really, this is my reality right now. I don't know what to do.

[dreamriver]

Hi owl25 - nightmares are the worst  Here's a hug if you need it.

If it helps to hear this, it seems you're being forced to take care of the affairs of a person who contributed to your trauma, and it's raising up the ghosts of your past - especially since you have/had no control over their affairs (just like you didn't have control over what they did when you were younger). It's been put upon you to take care of someone Awho couldn't even take care of you. That's huge, and there's an unfairness to it that you might be subconsciously working through and revolting against in your dreams, though that's just my interpretation.

First of all, your feelings are completely valid. Second of all, control helps us CPTSDers feel more safe and secure - facing situations where we don't have control (which is inevitable, but extemely challenging) can make us feel vulnerable to threat and abuse all over again. And with you it's a double whammy: you don't have control over what happens, but it's also with a person who has already hurt you or contributed to your hurt: your mother, who chose not to adequately shield you from chaos with her own control.

No wonder the grief and pain is so intense. You're doing really basic things that need to be done to sort out her needs even after she is gone, and she could not even meet your basic needs as her offspring. I can feel the hurt even thinking about it.

Being put in this position would make me spiral out hugely, too. I would also have nightmares. If I were called upon to handle any one of my scapegoating family member's affairs (and I have), I would really be struggling, especially if I had no control over it. To be perfectly honest, I'd be flipping my lid (and I have!)

I'm sorry for your grief, and I'm so sorry for your pain. Grief is the hardest emotional process because there's very little control there, too, you kind of just have to pour it all out when it comes.

Also, I have deep spiritual beliefs about dreams and what they tell us, so feel free to take all I say here with a grain of salt - but, all boiled down, I do think dreams are communications between a deep subconscious/unconscious part of ourselves and our conscious selves. Your nightmare might be saying that your mother's death is just another parallel or re-traumatization of your childhood. Again, you're forced into a situation where you are powerless and have no control, and you're bearing your mother's burdens (absorbing her trauma) when she never bore yours, and that's an unfair pressure on your soul.

I dont have solutions to offer, but to just let you know I've been through the grief (well, I'm still in it), I've been through the nightmares. My name is dreamriver because before I was diagnosed with CPTSD, I had dreams about rivers that where actually more like oceans, I had no control over them and what they did and it was terrifying, and they seemed like they were going to destroy everything. But the rivers in my dreams calmed when I realized I just needed to surrender and let the water take me where it's going to go, and to accept it.

I still fight to control it sometimes, but that's my best explanation for grief that I can give.

[Kizzie]

I don't have much to add to what Dreamriver has already said, but wanted to let you know I went thru a similar situation some years ago and it was very triggering. I ended up having to take care of things for my parents when first my F got sick suddenly and he and my M had to move from an apartment into an assisted living facility, and then when he passed away suddenly. It was nightmarish to say the least and took a huge emotional and physical toll so I can well understand what you're going through right now.   

Ghosts from the past, lack of control, having to care for those who harmed us - all deeply triggering for those of us with CPTSD. IME talking/writing about it really helps to defuel and even heal some of the trauma that rises up in situations like yours and mine.

[owl25]

dreamriver, the lack of control is completely it. I have no control. I didn't as a young child, I didn't as a teen, I didn't as an adult. Then out of nowhere my mother suddenly is gone. I don't know what's just happened to me and it's totally out of my control.

Your nightmare might be saying that your mother's death is just another parallel or re-traumatization of your childhood. Again,  you're forced into a situation where you are powerless and have no control, and you're bearing your mother's burdens (absorbing her trauma) when she never bore yours, and that's an unfair pressure on your soul.

This seems to describe it exactly. What you say about dreams and the subconscious makes sense to me. Usually dreams are more symbolic and it's not as obvious what they are about but these nightmares pretty much replicate the period right after her death, where I didn't have a lot of choices. I wasn't given the time to properly process and grieve.

Her death and the aftermath have been retraumatizing. It is another parallel. It's horrible. Why do these things just happen to me with no escape?

I'm sorry you went through something similar, Kizzie. I can't even imagine actually having to do what you did. I wanted to care for my mother but was too triggered and frightened and completely unable to cope with the idea of staying with her. Under normal circumstances I would have cared for her, and I wanted to care for her. The fact that I was unable to causes me great distress. I feel like I abandoned her when she needed me. We needed each other but I couldn't cope. We did reconcile at the end and it hurts so much that that couldn't have happened sooner, that we couldn't have more time together. She did harm me but it wasn't intentional. Her own traumas got in the way and she didn't realize the harm she caused. I know she would be heartbroken to know how traumatized I am by what she failed to provide. I kept losing my mother, as a young child, as an adult, and again as an adult but now for good. She lost me too and it's horrible what happened to us.

[dreamriver]

Owl25 - first of all: 

It does sound like you're carrying a lot of guilt not being able to take care of your mother... That's something I can seriously relate to.

Maybe part of that regret not caring for her is knowing what it's like to not be adequately taken care of, even if you do feel your mother tried her best, which I feel about my m, too, despite enabling/neglect/abandonment - but she was my mother and I was the child, not the other way around. When that gets reversed it has deep psychological repercussions as I discovered in myself.

In my case, when I have those urges and guilt, I think it's a desire to control my past narrative, to do for someone else what I didn't get myself. And also empathy - huge, huge empathy, which is at least one pro we get and can treasure in a huge list of CPTSD cons.

Have you taken a look at OOTS's sister site, Out of the FOG? I went there for a bit and it helped me put enormous context to my flashbacks, IC attacks, OC attacks, hypervigilance, toxic shame, guilt, etc. especially as it relates to my family, and cut EFs down quite a bit/helped me navigate out of the dark at times.

FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt. Ultimately I had no idea that some of the paralyzing feelings of shame, guilt, and "why me?" were incredibly toxic and actually not even my emotions necessarily at all - they were my family's collective emotions, loaded onto me as the family scapegoat so they could survive the dysfunction and abuse!

Not to say our situations are identical or even similar - just saying that the guilt you're feeling in your grief is a sign that you're a highly empathetic person, which is powerful and good; but the double-edged sword is the toxic shame in the mix that's hurting you so much, and it's the pain of abandonment. And it's not something you deserve to feel