Finding a new normal

[Pioneer]

The transition and change has been real and a struggle for my little family since we went NC with my side of the family this year. We needed to move our family to a safe location out-of-state. So, it's not only a big transition for our little kids who are adjusting to a new location, but it is also a huge emotional and physical recovery for me and my husband. We both suffered trauma from the years of abuse, and we express it in different ways.

My narcisstic parents tried really hard to divide my husband and I, and our relationship has not been the same since, which has been really hard for both of us. But my husband has been so faithful throughout the mess, and he reminds me that he is not going anywhere. Despite this, I very often see him as the enemy as the CPTSD messes with my mind. And I have a tendency to sabotage all the good we are trying to build in our new home. The trauma takes a hold of me and I fear doing anything good for ourselves, even just basic survival - I'm sure this fear developed by the decades of training/programming that anything good will be torn down. I am not used to having someone stick by my side.

We can see recovery happening regardless of all the struggles. And we have escaped from all that mess we left behind, so we have a place to learn that we can be safe. Yet, it is still so difficult for me to leave it all behind. I wafer between feeling guilty for cutting off my family and wishing for their love and safety which never comes, and I also become very bitter and angry at them for abandoning and rejecting me and my little family on so many levels. I struggle to let them go. And that makes this transition and this new opportunity feel so impossible and hopeless a lot of the time. I end up tearing things down and then everything in life begins to fall apart and we feel backed into a corner. And my stubbornness so often refuses to think on the positive (such as the recovery that has already happened) that we have going on in our lives, which is a huge part of the problem.

These old patterns and habits need to change. I want to allow for a good and hopeful future for my family. I want to move through the grief and struggle and move past the point of feeling stuck and also like a wrecking ball.

It's been really encouraging and reassuring to read some of the resources and topics in this forum. I will take any tips or reassurances I can get from you all

[rainydiary]

So much of what you shared resonates with me.  I especially appreciate you articulating that sometimes your partner feels like the enemy through the CPTSD lens.  This happens to me too and I hadn't put that into words.  I would like to go low contact which is something my husband can't understand as he is still trapped in his narcissistic parents enmeshed web.  I hope you allow good feelings and experiences in - this is something I am working on too.  I hope that by making the decisions you are that you feel more and more empowered.

[Three Roses]

I become very impatient at times. Sometimes it's a struggle for me, it seems, to realize that the way things are today is just a temporary situation that can change. Things seem fixed in place, written in stone. People seem fixed and stagnant ("they'll never, they always....").

I feel the same about myself at times. I'll never.... I always...but if I can see that I'm human, and imperfect, and capable of some things at some times but not so much on other days, I can see others in the same forgiving light.

Hope that helps.

[Pioneer]

Thank you rainydiary and Three Roses for your words of encouragement! Three Roses, I agree and can so relate to what you are saying - for me impatience and a desire for perfectionism like to take over. And learning to be human and gracious with myself and others is a really big part of the recovery process, I think. 

I also used to be blinded and enmeshed in my parents narcissistic ways, just as you mentioned about your partner, rainydairy. I can see that I have changed and I have learned to see their behavior and discern their actions much more. But it has me taken a long time. Change can seem so slow, but when I look back I can see the change in bigger strides. And a great sense of hope comes in realizing that. I hope you can find peace and encouragement along the way, too.

Right now my husband and I are trying to build our business back up, after it had been severely sabotaged by my parents over a year ago when we were just getting started (as with other business ventures that had become successful). It is so interesting that yesterday (after I posted this first post!) was when we started to see some very encouraging progress with getting our business up and running - and around that time my husband got a text from my parents after not receiving a text directly from them for well over a year (they are blocked on my phone). They hardly ever communicate directly with him, and yet this was the day they chose. They are still trying to manipulate us. My husband and I were able to talk about it later in the day (when I was at a healthy enough place to handle it) and we were able to talk it through pretty well together. And this is another sign of change and recovery.

I am definitely still scared because success is one of my biggest triggers. But I want to take it a day at a time with lots of grace toward myself - and learn to show myself grace after I don't. Thank you for all the words of wisdom and encouragement! And thank you just for being there  I think that is already making a big difference.