Unexplainable Reactions

[Bermuda]

A couple of hours ago I had an strange reaction... I tend to over explain, sorry.

I'm with my husband's family because tomorrow is my son's first birthday, and we have been decorating for his party.

A balloon popped. I dropped to the floor covering my ears, shaking uncontrollably, teary eyed and gagging.

(They asked if I was fine, I said I am fine, walked to the kitchen, my mother in law told my sister in law to follow me) ... That's a topic for another day. Ugh.

In the kitchen, I reclarified that I am fine that it was my PTSD, and vomitted, put water on my face, and was really fine. I just needed a minute. Even after everyone knew it was a PTSD thing, they still asked as if there was some logical thing that upset me.  Was never upset.

I don't know why I have this reaction, it has happened before, on a ferry when my husband leaned over the railing for a moment. Same thing, dropped, convulsed, and covered my ears, etc.

I have no memories tied to these body reactions.

Very weird. This isn't like my flashbacks, or my panic attacks. For me, my panic attacks can be LONG, involve a bit of hyperventilating, and usually stop by me holding a fistful of ice, and always involve thoughts whereas my flashbacks usually involve one of my senses...

Does anyone else have this happen? Is there a term for what I'm trying to explain? Is this a repressed memory thing? 

[buddy9832]

Hi Bermuda,

I can't say I've had reactions to the same degree as yours where I dropped to the floor but I have had PTSD reactions to a stimulus in which my wife's family was taken aback and didn't know how to react. Meanwhile after I recovered I'm fine.

It sounds like a startle response. I know my responses are not necessarily proportional to the severity of the stimulus. A door bell ringing for example can really startle me and throw me into a rage. I wonder if this is the same thing?

With that said, I can share your sentiment of confusion. Is it a repressed memory? I often ask myself the same question. 

[Kizzie]

I haven't heard of a reaction this extreme Bermuda but you do have CPTSD. It does sound like a really strong startle/flight response - being triggered instantly & in a very physical way perhaps because of the situation it took place in?  Putting up party decorations for your son; seeing your H lean over the rail -  both seem tied to potential danger to people you love. It may be tied to a memory or memories that you haven't allowed to surface yet or it might just be because of the love you have for your son and husband and fear of losing them versus a specific memory.  I used to have awful nightmares about my son when he was little, but have very few other than that.

Hope your son had a lovely birthday. 

[Bermuda]

Thank you both very much. I really didn't have the vocabulary to properly describe things, but a startle response sounds very promising. I will be doing some Google homework now. Also, it's good to know that others' bodies also act out. We're all in this together.

My son had an amazing birthday. It really was perfect. Thanks for asking.

[Three Roses]

Wondering how you were feeling leading up to those moments. I'm putting myself in your shoes, getting ready for a birthday party would definitely be a stressful time, and I don't like travel (too many unknowns) so the popping balloon and the potential danger of leaning over a safety railing might have sent me into a full blown panic attack.

I also have an exaggerated startle response. My heart goes out to you, as well as my support.

[Bermuda]

Well, I'm not entirely sure how I was feeling. I tend to REALLY throw myself into tasks. I find it stressful to let anyone do anything for me. So, I was simply doing everything and just putting up blinders to the world, so to say.

Parenting is often opening yourself up to critique, judgement, and unwanted 'help'... So, I was checked out so to say, making the perfect balloon rainbow, for the perfect first birthday, how is tradition in MY culture.

...On the boat maybe I felt similar. I don't remember exactly where we were going, but often when travelling with my husband I also check out in lieu of throwing myself into everything, otherwise my husband and I find it difficult to get along. We can't BOTH control everything always. So, I was probably also just going along.

Does that make sense?

Also edit: If anyone has any resources about this that I can read, I'd really appreciate it. Unfortunately I cannot find anything pertaining to this sort of cPTSD startle response.

[Three Roses]