Holidays are Hard

[Rrecovery]

Holidays are often very challenging for me; I often spend them alone.  Normally spending a day alone would feel fine, but a holiday is so associated with family, and everyone is spending time with their families.  I actually enjoy time with my family now that my uNPM has passed away.  My Dad has Alzheimer's and is more cheerful and agreeable than he ever was; very benign these days.  My sister is sober after being an alcoholic for for 40 years - she's quite a good friend at this point.  I love my brother but he's hyper-religious (not allowed to have a self) so it's like he's there but not really there anymore.  With my uNPM being so angry and unpleasant, we all learned to connect with our spouses' families and spend time with them on the holidays.   Even though our Mom died in 2004, it seems like we all have learned to spend holidays elsewhere.  My brother wants to be with his church friends on the holidays and he has the only decent home for a group gathering.  So, it's hard, I'd like to see my family on holidays but it never happens anymore.  The day alone feels sad and I'm constantly aware of being jipped in the family department.  Being divorced with no children exacerbates it.

I imagine the holidays are difficult for many of us, so I thought having a "Holidays are Hard" thread could be helpful.

[Jdog]

Yes, I stated some of this in response to the Trust thread earlier today but in essence, having seoarated both physically and emotionally from my FOO (most of them) years ago and having lost Mom 3 years ago and with my closest Aunt in a home for Alzheimers patients 400 miles away - yes, Holidays are Hard.  I am an only child and do have a spouse - have to remind myself that my family counts as much as the large families others have around them.  I generally feel closest to my chosen family of friends but on holidays they are all with their FOOs.

Something that helped me was placing a phone call to a former roommate who lives in another state and is quite ill and living all alone.  Sometimes connecting with another who could use cheering up seems to put me in a better, more grateful space.

Thanks for starting the thread.  I guess I needed to get this out!

[schrödinger's cat]

Does it also count if holidays make me have flashbacks? My mother always prepared the holidays "properly", so by the time the actual day came, she was absolutely exhausted. That made for very bleak holidays indeed. There was a certain grim determination about her on those days. A certain air of "I'll celebrate Easter even if it kills me, so help me god". Did you ever see a Western movie where a guy has to cross a desert and then he decides to stay behind so his comrades can have his water? A bit like that. I am not kidding, sadly. So whenever a holiday dawns, a part of me says: "Oh great, this means it'll be a bleak day full of emotional abuse." It's surprisingly hard to fix. Christmas is easier. But Easter? Not so much.

[Rrecovery]

Jdog, thank you for your response    I'm glad this thread was helpful.  I have been thinking about being proactive and planning to connect with others in some way too. 

SC - My mom did the same thing!!  So she was the exhausted, angry martyr on holidays.  It seems like westerners (maybe others too) put so much emphasis on food during the holidays.  They work their butts off all day preparing and then cleaning up.  I'd rather have cheese and crackers (or even better a plate of veggies!) and sit and really connect with each other.  But it's all about food, food, food - work, work, work.  I find it all a bit disheartening.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh, absolutely. Who do they even DO all that for? Kids don't give a toss about sophisticated dishes or pristine cleanliness.

[Rrecovery]

My brother called me last night and apologized for not thinking about me being alone on the holiday and inviting me over.  We spoke for about an hour about my spirituality - unusual since he is a fundamentalist who sees himself as right and everyone else as wrong.  He was respectful and understanding about my paradigm.  The whole thing was a real surprise.  He said to keep in mind that next year I'm invited over for Easter.  He has ADD and said he tends to think in terms of goals rather than relationships and he's sorry about that.  It felt really good, I felt very enlivened after our call.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Bheart and thank you    So glad your holiday felt good/better than ever 

[Jdog]

Excellent news! I love hearing about positive connections!!

[Rrecovery]

Thank you Jdog