Convalescents journal

[Convalescent]

Wow, this really hit home!

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2592.0

[Convalescent]

I don't want to be locked up in this prison. This is just horrible. I guess this flashback had to come... delving into the past with my T. And myself. I think about my dad a lot. I'm trying my best to find pockets of air... to find some freedom or love inside this. I'm so lonely in here. I'm not with people much now. I called a friend of mine just to talk to someone. He said he was gonna call me later. If the momentum is still there. I barely managed to call him. Felt like it yesterday too, just couldn't. Everything is warped right now. I'm so tired. And everything is so scary and weird. Like I'm inside a dream. I'm really at ground zero now. At the core. Maybe I can deal with this now, I don't know. Previously when I've come here I've been so down, so horribly anxious and in bad shape that I've been hospitalized.

.. Just had a talk with my friend. Even though I am where I was some years ago, I get these moments where I notice that I'm also not. It's easier to talk with people, I can, momentarily at least, get some pause from the depression, things are kind of easier. Even though it's * being here.

[woodsgnome]

  I know, the symbol can be considered as 'just' an icon, but it rises from the heart, no matter how it's represented.

One word popped out in your summary paragraph, when you said, a couple of times, that some of this has been getting "easier." That only sounds ... easy; we all know it really takes a lot to be able to say that about so much of what's happened to us. Given the circumstances, it's taken a lot for you to be able to say anything is easier. Based on what you've shared here, coming to the point of labeling something as "easier" is a welcome sign -- for you and for those of us who care so very much for you.

Speaking of signs, I'll just end with this one:  ... and hope you'll keep on keeping on, friend.

[Convalescent]

I know, the symbol can be considered as 'just' an icon, but it rises from the heart, no matter how it's represented.

One word popped out in your summary paragraph, when you said, a couple of times, that some of this has been getting "easier." That only sounds ... easy; we all know it really takes a lot to be able to say that about so much of what's happened to us. Given the circumstances, it's taken a lot for you to be able to say anything is easier. Based on what you've shared here, coming to the point of labeling something as "easier" is a welcome sign -- for you and for those of us who care so very much for you.

Speaking of signs, I'll just end with this one:  ... and hope you'll keep on keeping on, friend.

Thank you 

[Convalescent]

I'm trying to figure out what's actually happening here, why the sudden booming depression ... then I realize it's been gradual. And I think it's a combination of things. I've been living alone since I was around 21. Last year I moved in with my girlfriend. We bought a house together. We've been together for over 2 years now. To have another person so close to deal with every day is... new and triggering. It's been hard lately, and the longer I know someone, the more stressful and harder it becomes. I think it's the fear of rejection, or that I'm feeling trapped. It's like I feel I have to be a certain way, like I'm loosing a sense of myself. Like they can get angry with me, put me in my place, decide who I'm going to be. And I know exactly where that comes from.
And the drinking... I no longer have a night out, party or drink with friends. That has been a coping mechanism for a lot of years. I've been having a problem with alcohol for more than 10 years, actually. And eating... eating food and candy. Been doing that a lot. I don't do that as much. And there's a lot of things I'm realizing of now... like how tortured I've actually been over the years, how hard my childhood has been. Unhealthy choices I've made. Things I've missed out on. How f'ed up my father have been (he's dead now, thankfully... I don't know how I would deal with this if he were alive). How he got me wrapped around his finger to the very end. How I always believed he had changed, how he always got me there beside him, even to the bitter end. I remember the phone call from my stepmom in the middle of the night. I thought she was drunk or something. But when she called me again I just knew. And the first thing I felt was relief.
And there's the antidepressants I've stopped taking. I'll use this day to consider starting again.

All I know is that I'm down in the dumps now... weird as it is, I have some easier moments... moments where I feel that safe warm feeling inside. I remember there was someone giving that feeling a name... it was in norwegian, so I don't know if I can translate it properly, but it's something along the lines of... "that homely cozyness inside your stomach". Tearing up just thinking about it. That's such a powerful feeling. Such a powerful state of mind. It reminds me of sitting on my grandfathers lap when I was a kid, on christmas eve. Falling asleep on his lap. It was that kind of feeling. Just being completely and utterly safe and sound. My T says I need to experience that feeling again, as evidence, or counterevidence, to the feelings and doubts I have that I'm not safe. I said that's not an easy task.

37 years... of barely being able to keep my head above water. It's so much to take in.

Maybe I'll check upon what I've been able to accomplish these last few years since I learned about C-ptsd/trauma.

I've been able to drive again.
To work, although minimal.
I've rediscovered part of my childhoods interests... that I like sports (thought I hated it). Mostly womens handball (a big thing here in Norway )
I have, a handful of times, experienced that utter and complete feeling of safeness and calmness. It's the most wonderful feeling there ever is.
I have been able to completely cut out benzodiazepines/tranquilizers.
I have been able to completely stop eating sugar as a way to deaden my feelings.
I have been able to completely stop drinking.
Depression have been coming and going, but I have periods where I enjoy the company of others and don't overthink everything I say or do. To joke about my mistakes or something that I previously felt like made me a complete failure as a human being.
Be able to relax more in the company of others.
Judging my self less (like I said, depression coming and going).
Not having to be hospitalized, or feeling that I absolutely need to be hospitalized.
Feeling like a part of something/ felt a genuine and strong connection with other peple.
Taking out my drums and playing them again (and actually having fun with it, not just playing to try to prove this or that)
Having an easier and more relaxed relationship with (parts of, anyway) my family.
Not feeling constantly like an alien who's just on the outside and have no connection or familiarity with other people.

[Not Alone]

I'm hearing that you are feeling down now. I also want to state that your accomplishments over the last few years are very big steps/growth.