Hello, I'm extremely nervous being here trying to interact with people again~

[Fern]

Hello,

I'm not very good at introductions or conversing well with people, so I apologize in advance if this introduction isn't the best. I'm well.. taking another chance my third one to be honest after a couple years at communicating with other people online. I'm a pretty private person somewhat unless  if I feel 100% safe as well comfortable around another person. Or as well if I even want to share something about myself to another person. So me telling my story  to anyone who reads this here It won't be in full detail, as well other posts I happen to make on here unless I want too. What I'm  willing to share to start off with is this. I realized after being diagnosed  with PTSD a month ago from my therapist.  It actually isn't that but C-PTSD since I can never escape my past with my trauma pretty much and get triggers non stop by pretty much everything just about.  I know I'm at constant war with myself trying to hang in there best each and every day I can, to continue on my journey to recovery and find true happiness and peace.

To be honest I was thinking of not even trying to interact or maybe perhaps well try and experience having relations with people ever again. I never had a best and good friend ever in my life nor know what real love and having a boyfriend is like. I want to experience it however I don't think it's possible for me and just a silly dream. I never my whole life had luck in having and keeping friendships and the one relationship I had ever was not even that and I got sexually abused and traumatized severely from it. I'm  31 years old now so since I was 11 though more active online at age 15 my trauma has been going on and on since sadly. it's really all online my trauma and how so many people hurt me over and over and still do even today. I had a few things such as the sexual abuse and others minor things happen to me in person though not as bad from being online has done to me. To be more honest this day and age everything is pretty much online and everyone is on it more.

I can't meet others in person since there isn't any place for me to go where I reside and even interact with others. I tried over the years but there isn't anything since I don't drink, smoke, do bad drugs or into the parity sceen. People my age are into that stuff though for me I don't and rather not do those for fun. So I'm a boring person for people around my age I guess you can say. So sadly online is the only place I can interact with others and talk for now. I am making tremendous progress though with my therapy however I still somehow deep down want to reach out and try to be close to others. However being let down over and over I don't trust anyone and seems like people will never understand nor accept a women like me ever. I'm at the point if I'm alone the rest of my life I'm  at peace with it. Then only having my family, help team and family friends for support. Being human though we want more interaction with others and connection so I heard. So me being my authentic true 100% self around anyone I met they seem to hurt me in some way. Even leave because I'm weird or different than everyone else to them.

I feel at times I'm  just meant to be alone and never experience what a friendship is like or love truly is. One thing I will say is I've been through all what you hear now a days the horror stories or dark side of the internet. Not too many however but a lot still. So I know how online can really be with those types of people out there. I can read people extremely well now as well learned so much from all those experiences. Even if it was very traumatic for me I know how to spot a good real person now. We are all not perfect nor I myself, however I guess my luck with people has always been the not so good to pretty dangerous or disturbed kinds of people. I'm  reaching out by joining here trying to to face my fear of people online and in person. I take things really slow with others so if you happen to speak to me or I speak to you just know I take my time to open up and trust. So I hope you can be patient with me as well can respect that.


To end this into off I like to share some things about me that I also don't mind sharing. Personality wise I'm  a very kind, sweet, loving, affectionate, playful, loyal, funny ( tries to be ) , respectful,  polite, and protective person. I base myself off a wolf to be honest plus I love them as well. I am 100% real with people and don't sugar coat things and will speak my mind since I'm  not afraid to anymore. So yes I'm  very honest with others. I'm also  a nerdy/geeky girl so I have a few interests  in stuff related to those things,  though only share with others what I like or into If I get to know them one on one. I'm  not sure what else to say so conclude my introduction here about myself. I appreciate anyone who reads this please take care.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, paperfern!

There's no need to write full detail of anything here. You just write what you're comfortable with. Or you can read a lot. Lots of information on here.

[Fern]

Welcome to the forum, paperfern!

There's no need to write full detail of anything here. You just write what you're comfortable with. Or you can read a lot. Lots of information on here.

Thank you for the welcome, I appreciate it and yes very true. I like your username by the way when I saw it it made me smile a bit.

[Not Alone]

  Welcome. You are welcome to take your time. I've been a member of this forum for over a year and I still am hesitant and cautious about what I write. Although I've only received care and support from people here, it is still a risk. For the most part, I listen to myself and if I feel uneasy, I don't post.

[SigNature]

Hello, I'm much, much older and have been in and out of therapy over thirty five years, only hearing the term CPtsd in the past six or so years.....I found this awesome forum a few years ago but only joined in the past year, I still have not really been able to write anything about myself, I still havn't worked that out, but there is so much for you to learn from here. Hopefully one day I will learn how to not be afraid to share.  Already you have been so very brave👏🏻.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Fern

Pleased you found this forum. It is a godsend, and is always here, especially when I am "all over the place".

Slim

[Three Roses]

I do hope you come back.

[Anongirl]

First & foremost, welcome! You made the same steps I did just a few weeks/month ago? The first one was the hardest for me. When I am doing ok I come here in the forums, it feels a lot better to know that you're understood/slightly ok/a bit safer?!

I have shared more than I ever thought I would, but haven't personally written to any one person privately yet. l have done it all in a group like this, just as you have. I'm so dang proud of you! Let's face it,  only folks on here can *REALLY* know what it's like to live with this.

Honestly, so far?  It's been nothing but supportive folks, kindness & thoughtfully written posts from those who have dared to risk, some a bread crumb at a time. But that bread crumb may/can slowly turn into small pieces &/or it can become the best dang crumbs ever because it's a huge leap forward! Yes, I'm a weirdo.

I'm proud of you! I'll be cheering you silently &/or out loud & pray you'll find comfort knowing we're all in it together, albeit differently at times, but together! It's so nice to know that this abyss /computer has
someone we may / can still relate to. 

[sanmagic7]

welcome, fern!     so glad you found us.

as others have said, take your time.  this is your healing process, so how you do it can't ever be wrong.  fast, slow, a lot, or a little - it's all up to you.

thanks for sharing.  here's a hug if you want one