Letter to BIL

[rainydiary]

I am trying to sort out what is going on. 

Dear BIL -

I must admit I didn't know you very well.  The first time I met you I didn't like you very much.  You were really mean to your girlfriend and I didn't like that.  I also didn't like what you said about my cat - you said she was afraid and would always be afraid. 
Now I know that you were not well the entire time I knew you. 

Other than the first year of my relationship with your brother, we lived in different places.  I think that is why we didn't get to know each other.  Whenever you were home it was because you were struggling mentally and in those times it was very difficult to form any connection with you. 

The memory of you that stands out most to me is when you made this video for a team your brother coached.  The video you made was beautiful and you included a scene from a movie that accurately captured the sentiment.  It was moving and beautiful. 

Yet I didn't understand why you made that video.  You did it because your mom said you should.  I think she was trying to give you something to do but her attempts to always control and manage your life didn't help. Your mom tried to cobble and sew and glue and hold you together.   What was she doing?

I wasn't afraid of seeing you in the hospital, just very sad.  I had to witness the crumbling of your family.  How hard everyone worked to keep your mom happy.  At one point your dad and brother were crying - your mom walked in the room and they instantly stopped to put on a brave face for her. It was disgusting to me.  I know she doesn't like me, but she couldn't even show me any warmth when I flew halfway across the country with your brother because he wanted to see you.
I wanted to have understanding for your family going through a difficult time but that time just made me realize I had to get away from them.     

I am deeply bothered by your death and the experience of being around your family at that time.  I don't know how to feel better or what it is I am trying to process.  Your death sparked my awareness of abuse in my life.  I had focused so much energy on disliking your family because I wasn't ready to handle the truth in mine.

I am sorry you grew up in a home with "parents" that wanted to be your friend instead of your parent.  They always put their own needs first and used fear, obligation, and guilt to get by.  I am more angry at them than at you.  I don't understand what I feel toward you.

I hope you are resting well.

[Not Alone]

Read and heard. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Notalone -

Dear BIL,

Today I did some grieving and some reading.  I think you triggered my deep feelings of abandonment.  I don't know exactly all of the things my parents did to abandon me but I know I do not feel safe in the world.

I remember being a 6 year old on the verge of moving to a new place and crying my eyes out when I realized I would never see my friends again.  I don't remember either of my parents comforting me or if they even noticed how upset I was. 

I moved so often growing up I tried to keep a shield around myself.  It didn't work though.  I felt deeply my loss of friends and schools and opportunities.  I never felt connected.  I also didn't fully realize and understand at the time that the ways my parents were not helping but hurting me. 

I am still learning how to manage these aspects of myself.  I am also questioning why I continued my relationship with your brother when I learned more about your family.  I could have gotten out much sooner.  I wonder though if I would have learned all the things I now know if I had. 

Maybe you can send your brother some courage and wisdom to stand up and face the unhealthy aspects of your family.  I think he is starting too but I am afraid that if something else big happens anytime soon it is going to break us.

I am tired of feeling so abandoned and unsafe.