Having to take the next step, petrified

[owl25]

I've done a lot of work on trying to heal, but one thing I haven't done, is working at trying to take the next step. The next step is terrifying, and I just realized this week that I have been avoiding this step without realizing it. I still have my walls up and my guard is up. I can't let people in. I realize I have been keeping my partner out without meaning to. There are times I feel quite close and connected to him, but.. there are still some walls. They are my safety and protection. This served me well through the years, it kept me safe, but now it's hurting me and hurting him. I think the time is here to work on bringing down those walls. I know it's necessary. It's not healthy to still have them in place - I will continue to live in isolation and feeling so separate and different from others, the pain that comes with that will remain, and it will ultimately push my partner away. I am petrified of connection. I am petrified of opening up. I am petrified of allowing myself to be seen by others, to become real, to stop being invisible. It is terrifying and I am scared. I'm not sure how to go about this when not all of me is feeling safe, even though I know that this is where I need to go next. Any thoughts or input around this would be welcome.

[marta1234]

I can't relate completely to the situation, but I understand where you're coming from. It's the same for me, but only with my family.
Being vulnerable and open is hard, but I take it one day at a time. I know for me to actually get to this point of communication, it took a lot of pushing from other people, showing me that they actually cared for my answers. I don't have very helpful advice except it's ok for it to be scary, and for you to want to take a step back when you're allowing yourself to be more open to your loved ones. It's ok for you to follow back, and have moments of doubt. What I do is I ask myself (inside my head), do I want to share this with this person or do I want to keep it to myself (so there is no oversharing)? In this way I allow myself to have control and remind myself that I will share only what I'm comfortable with sharing.

Hope this helps somewhat I also wanted to add that I've been following your journal, and the progress that you have made, owl, is a lot. So here's a hug

[Jazzy]

That's really awesome! I'm so happy for you that you have been healing, and are looking towards taking further steps. "To become real" can be terrifying for sure, and that's okay. It can also be incredibly difficult. The thing is though, there's a lot of reinforcing (from self, and others close), so it gets easier the more you work at it. Its a process, I think. Even if it takes some time, I'm sure you can do it! All the best!