Hello

[BJeanGrey]

Hello. I found this website through a psych blog post that discussed complex PTSD. After reading some of the information about OOTS and several posts, I though I would reach out to everyone. I've been lonely my entire life. I've never met anyone like me. I really want to have caring relationships with people, but it's extremely difficult for me to build and maintain relationships. My past trauma has deeply affected the way I experience the world, and people just don't understand that I literally see, hear, and feel the world very differently from the way they do.

When I've tried to explain to people what my past was like and what my world is like today, I get range of inappropriate responses. I am patronized a lot, treated like I'm a child stuck in an inferior stage of psychological development. I've been called selfish and told to stop playing the victim role. I've been told that I'm just overly sensitive - that I just need to let it go. I've been told that I just need to take anti-depressants. I've had people not believe me or minimize my experiences. I've been treated like I'm the problem. In short, people judge me based on what they know and experience of the world - and they just can't comprehend what it's like to have the experiences I've had.

They just don't comprehend that child abuse and domestic violence do not occur in isolated incidents - they don't understand the constancy and normalcy of child abuse and domestic violence - how everyday you are either being abused or you are afraid of being abused, year after year. How you develop coping mechanisms like disassociating from the pain and constantly assessing every interaction with every person, analyzing their voice tone and body language, scanning for threats. How when you realize that the things happening to you are not normal, how angry you get and how much you learn to hate yourself. How it feels like it is you alone against the world because no one's ever protected you and no one's ever had your back. How much it hurts to see people with happy, supportive, and loving family relationships - relationships you've never had and will never have but relationships you very much want and need. How you can't handle people touching you or loud noises - your body tenses up and you get anxious. How much you bury the hurt because if you don't you literally won't be able to function - you'll just lay in bed and cry. How the anger and pain come out in triggering or stressful situations as a constant reminder that you're not okay - that it's never going to be okay.

I have complex PTSD, depression, and anxiety due to decades of psychological, physical, and sexual trauma perpetrated by my parents, my step parents, my sibling, my sibling's spouse, my uncles, my grandmother, my aunt, family associates, a neighbor, kids at school, and my spouse. Today, I'm alone. I have no support system - no friends or family that I can turn to. I spend holidays and my birthdays alone. I have no close relationships with anyone. People have hurt me, a lot. I really don't understand why so many people have hurt me. Logically, I know that hurt people hurt other people - that I've just been very unfortunate to have encountered so many hurt people. But, as I think about why this has all happened, the only thing that makes sense to me is because I deserve it - that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - that I am such a horrible and unattractive person that no one has ever and could ever care about me.

I really want to be cared for by someone who I care for. I imagine it must be an incredibly warm and comforting feeling to feel cared for by someone you care for. I want that - so much. But, I can't have it and that compounds the hurt - adds another layer on top of the trauma. So, that's why I'm here. I'm hoping to meet people like me - who understand what decades of abuse does to a person - who treat me with respect - who believe me.

[sigiriuk]

Dear BJeanGrey
Welcome to the forum. I have found it to be a safe place. I slowly over a long time developed an ability to "belong" here......just a smidgen.
Like you, I can't understand why people would behave in this way. Maybe i cannot see the world through the eyes of a narcissist...maybe that would help me understand.
I am glad you are here.
Slim

[marta1234]

Dear BJeanGrey
Everything that you wrote resonated with me. I think this is what everyone has felt and has to battle everyday. I'm sorry you're alone, but what I can say is that here you are not. Maybe everyone of us will have different experiences here and there, but in the end they all tend to come back to abuse.  I've felt like you, alone and unprotected, for my whole (young) life. But I'm sorry you've been hurt by so many people when opening up.
In any case, you are valid and not alone. Your story is heard and not going to be judged here. Your story will have a place here. I'm glad you found our forum. Sending you a gentle hug if that's ok 

[Three Roses]

I am patronized a lot, treated like I'm a child stuck in an inferior stage of psychological development. I've been called selfish and told to stop playing the victim role. I've been told that I'm just overly sensitive - that I just need to let it go. I've been told that I just need to take anti-depressants. I've had people not believe me or minimize my experiences. I've been treated like I'm the problem.

Me, too. It's *. I have a list like yours of those who have abused me. When I try to talk about it I get the same responses from people. They're just ignorant and clueless how to have a compassionate, informed response.

I'm 63 and this place is the only place I've found where people "get it" - who respond with compassion, validation and insight. So I'm glad you've found us, glad you've posted. Thanks for joining!

[Not Alone]

I believe you. I can relate to a great deal that you wrote. I'm glad you took the risk to post. I have found a great deal of understanding and support here.

[sligeanach]

I believe you. I hope you find someone that you can love and trust, but for now, this seems like a good place to find virtual support.

[BJeanGrey]

Thank you Slim, marta, Three Roses, notalone, and sligeanach for your kind and warm welcome. Your responses are very comforting - it means a lot to me.