Letter to myself

[rainydiary]

I start work again this week after summer break and have a lot of worries and thoughts.  This is always the case but this time around it feels different.

Dear Me,

You begin another school year this week.  The start of the year always seems to catch you off guard because your nature and CPTSD go into hyperdrive and you temporarily get lost.  You expect so much of yourself as you had all summer to think over how things went the last year and how you would like to do better the next year.  This gets tricky as your IC slips in and you start setting such high expectations that you fall from a height.  You recently read a work by Pema Chodron and a good thought she shared is how we often expect mindfulness to make us "better" when really mindfulness is intended to help us make friends with all of parts of ourself and to approach each part with openness, curiosity, and the knowledge that things come and go.  I hope that you will continue growing in accepting all of you and aiming to "ride the waves" instead of "doing better" (which often comes to mean being perfect).

You had a rough week last week on a trip.  You did not take good care of yourself.  You learned that it is important to give yourself space and time each day even if it feels difficult because your routines are different.  You were reminded how important it is to be honest with others even it feels difficult because a lot of the reason last week was hard was because you tried to make others happy while ignoring yourself.  This used to be your usual way and now you have healed and grown in ways that make this so much less appealing.  You also haven't accounted for how additionally stressful things are given the pandemic and current state of your country.  I hope you will be gentle with yourself for having a bad week and take the lessons with ease.

This school year is going to be hard for many reasons.  You are afraid you won't be able to handle it.  You are still in a place where you want to be "perfect" and are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.  You have the opportunity to figure out more ways to take care of yourself.  You have learned a lot that will help you in your job.  I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you get started this week.

Last words that are coming to heart right now:

Have courage in your voice and share your gifts with others. 

Be open and welcome the chance to embrace all parts of yourself.

Be honest with others.

Be gentle and easy with yourself.