Hungry Heart

[Jdog]

I was relieved to read the discussions about problems with self referencing on another thread, as they put me right where I need to be in my own healing at the moment.  I have been thinking about my Mom a lot lately - passed away nearly 3 years ago - missing her very much.  We all truly do our best in life, and she was no exception but our relationship was very codependent and some of my earliest memories were of her talking to others about me and for me without giving me either the need of a chance to talk for myself.  I was her little showpiece to the world and at the same time was a sure source of displeasure and agony to my Father.  Very confusing way to grow up, and one which often left me wondering what I should be doing or thinking at any given time since the treatment I received at home was so very uneven. 

So here I am, 56 years old and trying to grow up.  Trying to know what I actually feel about things and then practicing acceptance once I determine what those feelings are.  It does not help to be living with my same-sex spouse who has almost no ability in the self referencing department and whom relies upon me as her rock at all times (even when I am tired or feel like crap).  I do love her very much but it's a lot of pressure just learning to be the real "me" let alone being someone else's constant source of good feelings. 

In any case, I have made a small amount of progress recently by becoming aware of my extreme reliance upon the email contact with my t for validation of my reality.  I wrote to her yesterday and told her of this new awareness.  I also chose to take a couple of sick days this week as I have a cold and am a teacher of very demanding 9th graders who require that I be on top of my game.  Luckily, I have an excellent student teacher this year who can step in at times like this (a true blessing).

Taking time to check in with myself - inner child as well as the adult me - to learn what I truly need and not running from those needs is a new thing.  It's really hard.  Self validation is going to take practice, but I am sure it will be more than worth the effort in the end.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Jdog    I hear how difficult and confusing and exhausting your FOO configuration was.  My parents used me as their therapist and marriage counselor from a very young age.  It's so draining to be responsible for someone else's well-being    It's hard enough being responsible for our own well-being.  My ex was a wonderful person who I still love but our relationship required me to do a lot of compensating and helping, which was very draining.  Looking back, I wish I'd set boundaries around this sooner.  Over the years my own voice has gotten stronger and stronger.  We all have a right to this.  I hope your hungry heart finds the nourishment it needs and deserves. 

[Jdog]

Thank you very much, Rr.  I am doing better in the self-nourishment department and as far as my home relationship is concerned, we are making good progress.  At this point in time, my main issue seems to be around somatic problems I am experiencing when triggered.  I had a bad one last week and my G.I. System is in a flare up.  My psoriasis is the worst it has ever been.  So, I am trying to learn to catch and redirect anxieties before they get my ANS so riled up.  Tough to do.

Have you, perchance, ever heard of or experience something called Self Regulation Therapy?

[Rrecovery]

Hi Jdog, I hadn't heard of Self-Regulation therapy, but I looked it up and find it very intriguing.  I'm curious what exactly happens in a session.  I have suffered so much from somatic symptoms. Ugh!  I have far less now than I used to.  I also had/have a somatization disorder, which is also a lot better but it still manifests under certain conditions (which I'm experiencing right now).  Glad things feel better to you right now.   

[Jdog]

Thank you for your reply, Rr.  Yes, those pesky somatic problems are like weeds cropping up.  I hope you experience some resolution to your particular symptoms soon.  I realized that I am more easily triggered by things that once were more likely to cause slight ripples in my sea of inner calm (loud laughter erupting here....what inner calm would THAT be, JDog?).  But I feel that healing sometimes temporarily rips my bandaids off to allow air to circulate around wounds.

I love reading the writings of psychoanalyst/author David Richo.  Here is a quote from Rico:  "Our wounds are often openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us."  Love that. 

Here's another one:  "We were born with four words engraved on our bodies and in our hearts:  Love me, hold me."

Wow.