the brain strikes back

[jamesG.1]

Odd relapse.

Things are actually going amazingly, money and job are surging ahead, people are great, work is a breeze, my creative projects are paying to a silly extent and my relationship is solid and safe.

Then wham.

Uncanny how life can do this but suddenly there has been a raft of triggers thaat are way too close to the bone. My partner's father had a turn and suddenly we are into the classic reponsibility dodging between siblings, guilt bombing from the sidelines, manipulative gameplaying from an elder and that whole buckaroo game where one family member has all the responsibilty heaped upon them. This is exactly how it all started for me and it's brought it back vividly.

Suddenly I'm right back there, weeping with frustration in the car as I try to reconconcile my own collapsing life with the inescapable responsibility. The dark running commentary that is all you get from people who should be doing their share. The positioning as those same people look towards their inheritance past the needs of the moment.

But its more than that. There's the pressure of trying to work from home as the tension builds, the growing distractions and the swamped coping mechanisms. The lack of silence and reflection, the runaway trains around you and negative emotions are broadcast so loudly that the positives are lost like kittens in a hurricane.

a severe relapse has been the result. Sound sensitivity is through the ceiling, skin crawling with excess cortisol, and focus and concentration on work has been so bad that it's stressing me out even more. Tough, tough, tough.

But its also different. My office is nearly ready in the converted garage, my partner and I have been talking out our tactics for dealing with all this and her kids and father are very affectionate to me. Work know about my history and have never done anything other than support. It's good. I've also been leaning on beta blockers from time to time and that has taken some of the edge off. And also... you have to stop struggling and let these things pass. You never out think C-PTSD, you have to understand it and let it fade out. And it does fade out, and when it does you've learned a bit more.

But horrible, y'ar hear me?

Symptoms very physical. Burning sensation in my frontal brain. A need to be away from everyone and everything. Sound, skin, light... all hyped up and difficult.

I think fading now. Hope so. Nasty

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear this James, that does sound horrible.  It's the part about recovering from trauma that I find most difficult to accept; that is, when life heats up I can still be overwhelmed. 

Like you though I find it does help to know my nervous system is overloaded and reacting to stress and that it will fade. In the moment(s) though so unpleasant and nasty as you say. 

Hope your reactions are continuing to decrease 

     

[Three Roses]

The positioning as those same people look towards their inheritance past the needs of the moment.

Sorry to hear you're going thru this. Death seems to bring out the worst in some people. Hope things smooth out soon.

[Kizzie]

It's been a few days James, how are things now?

[jamesG.1]

Hi guys

better now. Just a bit wobbly now and unsure of things. It just makes you want to be on your own doesn't it? I have a lurking version of myself that has just so much cynicism about people, and it takes so much energy not to collapse into that.

One development tho, is that I'm beginning to suspect my thyroid is a player in this drama. I've noticed a certain amonut of sensation in the neck area during episodes and there are enough minor symptoms to indicate that I may be fielding a hyperactive thyroid. Going for a range of tests mid aug, so we'll see. It needs ruling out. This last episode didn't fully make sense, the physical symptoms were definitely odd.

[Three Roses]

 

[sigiriuk]

Hi JamesG.1
I am pleased that you are able to look after yourself. Thyroid problems, whether hyperactive, or underactive mostly present with depression, and agitation, which you describe. Rarely does hyperthyroidism present with overactivity.
Mood or emotional regulation is a major disability for cPTSD sufferers, and I have variously been "called" bipolar, borderline, cyclothymic or manic. In fact when I learnt about emotional dysregulation, I started to see its effects, and it has lessened a lot.
Slim

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear you're checking into the physical side of things James 

It just makes you want to be on your own doesn't it? I have a lurking version of myself that has just so much cynicism about people, and it takes so much energy not to collapse into that.

I'm really finding I have to fight this kind of feeling as well.  When COVID started I balanced it with all the good that was coming out in people, but watching the lack of leadership costing so many lives and the selfish behaviour of so many  in the US and other countries has me fatigued, cynical, and wanting to pull back.  Like you, I find it taking a lot of effort not to collapse into that.

I read an article recently by a fav clinician author Robyn Brickel about our "window of tolerance" that helped me to understand what is happening to me and what I might do about it. I don't know if it will resonate for you but here it is -  https://brickelandassociates.com/how-to-deal-with-overwhelm-in-a-pandemic-hint-check-your-window-of-tolerance/. 

Another article I liked is about coping right now - https://brickelandassociates.com/how-are-you-coping-with-life/.

   

[jamesG.1]

Some good points there.

I'm pretty confused about my reactions at the moment, I cannot unravel the physical and mental elements. My brain definitly fires off with no stimulation at times and I'm increasingly certain that it's a hormonal aftershock of some kind. But I'm also not there in rebuilding coping mechanisms, something very hard to do around other people. It feels like such an uphill struggle explaining constantly why you need this or that to be a certain way. But you have to.

I'll get there. Next week I get blood tests to see if there is a hormonal or other physical element. I don't feel I have a result I need to make me happy, I just want to end my specualtion. If it's all psychological then fine, I'll know which way to face.

But people, humanity. Hard to feel good about that these days.

[Kizzie]

It is difficult to feel good about humanity right now especially I agree James.

Good luck with the tests, at least you'll know one way or the other as you say.