Where to start picking up the piecesuuuu & those who live & judge yo by #’s?!

[Anongirl]

Hi

Pray this finds you having a good day... 

I have been treated for  severe & complex PTSD with disassociation ( "Not DID or personality disorder type of disassociation but within the PTSD classification") & severe anxiety.  I've   had my share of multiple medical issues,  a severe  car accident with spinal & brain injury, a steel metal quad left ajar fell on my spine, I've had  8 transplant surgeries, muscle surgery, relearnt to walk, relearnt to see/use my eyes again after  5 yrs & 10 m's of living blind, having bad occular, vascular artery & regular migraines, severe joint, spine, neck & arthritic  pain issues. I went from never taking otc or rx meds, only using natural stuff,  to suddenly depending on over 2 dozen of them to be able to somewhat function. (Thankfully, it's now down to 12 or so!! I kept trying to get it lowered

I have had therapy for 20 years & I am finally trying & able  to get my life back in order, but I've missed so much, it's hard to know where to start with life. I'm working on my finances etc. My student loan that was supposedly forgiven come back to haunt me (their error, but my headache) it's resolved thanks to this organization who thankfully helped me again. They were there during my "nonfunctional/ looking somewhat functional" period?! 

Anyhow, my loans are forgiven due to severity & permanent illnesses (ugh ). Now I have to do my taxes in batches. My illness has taken a toll on my finances as time was always  perpetually fleeting or slowed to a grind! I feel so useless but am determined to resolve things for my own integrity...

I missed payments because time & emotions were two strangers due to my severe disassociation! Omg, my food would rot because I wasn't eating it, I would leave my place with half of my body dressed or ill dressed for the climate. I didn't know where l was, who I was & where I lived & I was gone for hours or the full day/night in harsh environments , I'd have walked miles & miles in a daze, my weeks were like minutes etc, I got a medic alert in case someone found me. Dr's helped me tremendously, especially my  therapist for 20 years & she is the usually the only person I truly vent to.. Therapy helped me emote, to feel again & helped my road to recovery, as did my team of Dr's for other issues. I was/am  lucky to have a friend/partner who (for the most part) stuck by me through the illnesses, surgeries, day hospital & inpatient stuff etc. It was a lot!   

BUT honestly,  I've always done things on my own & lived In my own place throughout this...basically fending for myself making mistakes & trying my best to function on very little brain capacity, fragile mentally, physically & financially. 

I ate very seldom dissasociating  so noodles, canned food & fresh stuff was costly & always rotting. Surviving medically & mentally was above all else. It was  confusing & I was perpetually feeling ashamed for being a medical, emotional & physical failure / mess as ever transplant failed, everyone would tell me how tired they grew of hearing the abundance of bad news. They should have seen how it was for me to hear & go through that. I had to learn to cope being blind shortly  after I finally was able to walk!  Throughout the ptsd would rear its ugly face as wouldp the brain damage. I couldn't see & I had virtually no memory or recall of my past or their voices, I didn't know a friend from a stranger. The more my sight came back the harder & scarier  it was...

I am now, after 20 yrs, getting to the point where I finally think I'm ready to try to live a conventional married life, Covid helped that, the intimacy will still take it's time (it's been years) because of my "circumstance", my mental health illness is so much better, it's as good as it gets in my situation, & that says volumes! The physical injury & pain  stuff is under control. Well  in the past 2 weeks there was a setback as new meds  gave me a potential life  threatening reaction. I had to stay with him/them due to severe weakness, loss of blood, illness & med interactions. I was told not to be alone at all because l "needed ongoing monitoring"! 

I don't want to bring my partner down with all my illness or my illness based financial woes. His job requires a certain level of discretion  etc so they check him & If I want to marry,  my finances  will be seen as a hindrance or carelessness?! No one can read from numbers that I've been through * & back , had to fight for my life & my body, that I've been through severe types of abuse, fought like * just to keep my physical & mental  body alive,  it's as good as can be & given my circumstances Drs were surprised I maintained what I did & did it  alone. I almost had a firm take over because of the medical distress I was experiencing. 

Even when you want to progress, you feel like you'll be judged unfairly or be the cause of so :cheer:meone else's turmoil because of your illness. I would be utterly devastated if my "financial issues" looked like irresponsibility on paper rather than the  struggle it was to maintain & sustain  health. Sure they'll be told but i think it's black & white? I sure hope not because it confuses me into thinking whether I'm even good enough to finally marry. Sadly, I think I may FINALLY be ready after years of walking through the coals of * to get to this very point. Marriage seemed like unattainable dream. Time will hopefully heal, but damn it hurts to even get back in it after years of fighting to get here. It took years of getting use to trying to shift my surroundings, one day at a time, trying to  feel safe & now that i'm actually seeing/doing  it, I feel unworthy of it.

Have any of you felt in a no win situation?  You try your best but it's never enough , I pray for once I'm finally enough in eyes of someone who may have to judge me via my financial #'s  & not who I am as a person or how much I've  always raised others higher, have been there for people whilst my own world was silently crumbling & how I care deeply for humanity & the forgotten.

  I feel everyone deserves chances at living their best life & their  truth.  I am too scared to bring it up with him because he's a nice guy who would  down play it & act like he's fine but he'd worry deep down?! I've always helped, cheered & wanted him to grow & he has!  I never let my illness get in his way &  I am his perpetual cheerleader.  But now? 

All my progress, all my hard work to get here, may actually hurt!  We're a society of numbers, a fast paced life & for those of us catching up? It's tough. Some of us are just looking for a break, a hint of compassion, a hope at joy &  family, but does society look at  you & see you as not good enough or like you're inept? Just another number amongst many? 

So I ask, was it worth the decades of fighting /clawing to get here? Yeah. Does it suck? Yeah. I have no idea of  the process, it recently came up a few days ago that he applied for somewhere. Hope he's successful! I just don't want to stunt his ambitions if we marry because I had the misfortune of someone's brutal abuse, or for being a passenger in the wrong car that got hit by a senseless driver, or because it was all too much so I temporarily lost my mobility, sight, brain power & mind. I'm only a  flawed human trying to navigate this life...

Sorry for rambling, likely no ones going to read my silly life novel/ diatribe  as it's a lot to handle. I'm so sorry, I just have nowhere else to ask but here. Out of the storm: only the person who's been through the storm can speak of its ferocity, it's peace & it's potential to cleanse. 

I can't believe I'm even opening up here, thank you, at least I can get it out . I am not going to reread this as I've yet to actually hit the send button. The brain damage makes it tough to get my thoughts out clearly, pls forgive me if it's all disjointed, hard to decipher or a plain mess...I am sorry, all three are me, & much more.
Wishing you peace, good health, & harmony, in whatever way you seek or strive for it. 
J

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Anon    I'm so sorry for all you have gone through and are dealing with today. 

Your post is such a clear example about what it's really like for so many of us who are dealing w/the ravages of trauma. When you layer on trauma on top of everything we have to do in daily life as adults, it's just too much.  it takes an enormous amount of energy and we're often exhausted. It's like being expected to get on with things when you have a debilitating physical illness like heart disease but without much in the way of treatment, services and support.   

All this is to say it's important to be kind and gentle with yourself, to acknowledge you're actually doing well carrying this huge burden others don't have that impacts our jobs, relationships, mental and physical health and well-being, basically all corners of our lives.

[Anongirl]

Thank you so much for your response. You're right it's overwhelming when you're finally getting  through it all  & just when you're  finally  getting through to see the other side (supposedly it's what "normal" folks call living, I'm being facetious),  it doesn't get any easier.

Believe it or not, it's harder! I know what it's like living with what I have *but* to navigate through this fast paced world, one  that's leaps beyond you mentally?! Omg, it's dizzying, unrelenting  & it's hard to know where to even start?!

You feel like you  have to apologize for...well, being you! Even if you got here through the sheer cruelty of another...besides who wants to relive, retell & revive the past? No thanks, it was hard enough going through it, then having the years of intensepy & now to retell it  just  so someone can judge you from your tragedies, or you being just a number  & not your humanity?! It almost feels like you're forced to relive that it happened all over again because it got  you here!

I'm sure my finances are more to do with delays/ missing payments, not  resolving student loans for many years. Well, it was until I was cognizant that I was here, grounded & that I had something called a life & then a loan!  (lol) And then when it was lt was dealt with? The6 messed it up on their end but because they can never admit anything, it had to be spelt out etc! Honestly, lf it wasn't such a tragic thing to go through, you  might confuse it/my life for a comedy of errors! Great book title for my life, but I digress.

My issue has to do with having to get "caught up" to life & the "living", not having enough of an established credit in my late 40's  rather than owing any large sums to anyone or having a pending debt. Doing all this takes time & patience, 2 things that are in short supply.

I wonder how people cope after living in a haze for so long, decades in fact, & then finally getting better only to be bombarded YET again? Well, all I know is I'm a walking disaster at it, at least thus far anyways!  I commend you for being able to do all this moderating etc on top on everything else. Standing ovation for that!!! Seriously! Hugs & thanks

[Kizzie]

I was talking with my T last week about relational trauma survivors needing treatment, services and support that takes into account the fact that CPTSD/RTR impacts us financially, legally, in terms of our parenting and worklife - the contextual factors of our lives.  We need more than psychological treatment, we need services and supports as we recover and move forward as your current situation and post speak to. 

I hope you are able to find your way through and forward    

[RiverRabbit]

Thank you for this post Anon!

I got a lot out of it... I keep pushing myself to just move on and get over my past as well.  But, I am not giving myself enough time and attention to actually process any of it.  And, pressure from my wife is not helping... we are on the rocks.   

I think with CPTSD, there is a strong tenancy to give everyone else a break, but not ourselves.