Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2

[Jazzy]

Thanks Snowdrop, I'm sure everything going on recently has made it worse. It has been a problem for me for a long time though. Originally, my psychiatrist said I had bipolar disorder... which very well may be true. I kind of love the manic times though (last time I only slept twice in an entire week, it was so great to just be awake). Anyway, its usually not that extreme, but still disruptive.

Its something that I wish was better for years now, but I've never said anything.  I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just afraid of change. There was an interesting post here earlier about parts of us not wanting to get better... and that is true for me. A big part of me doesn't want to get much better. It's just all so much, and I don't feel I'm ready for it. Probably bad memories of how hard I pushed myself before I broke down. I would literally black out, among other things, and I don't want to go back to that. I don't think I can survive it again.

I guess its okay, there's no real pressure on me, except that the river of time only flows one direction... which has been bothering me more and more lately. I don't know, I'm mostly okay, in my house, alone, when I can stay here, but going outside is still very difficult. I guess my agoraphobia isn't much better. I'm really not too sure what to do at this point.

[Jazzy]

Ugh, I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm sliding down a hole. It's only been a few days, but my sleeping has been bad, I've been eating more than I want, I've had trouble focusing, and even more trouble connecting with others.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself tomorrow, except I have to go shopping, which I always hate.

Hopefully I can get some better sleep tonight.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing Jazzy.  What you said resonated with things I've experienced.  I find it so unsettling when I start to feel off and can't really find a reason why.  It's also tough when sleep isn't going well.  Best wishes with going shopping - I am not a fan of shopping at all.  I was trying to reflect on what gets me through times like this - for me it is mostly reading and journaling.  It is difficult for me to be more outward to connect with others.  I'm glad for this site to be able to share and read how others are managing the things I am trying to deal with too.  I appreciate you and hope you found some rest!

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I hope that you were able to get some more restful sleep.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're feeling better, Jazzy, and sleeping well.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for the kind words.

I'm sorry that I disappeared again. Its a problem I have. I can't focus, or stick with the same thing for a long time. I can't keep doing the same activities, talking to the same people etc. I don't really know why. It is very frustrating. I don't understand how people can go through their lives, doing the same thing month after month, year after year. It sounds great... it sounds very stable. I just haven't been able to do so myself for some reason, and I am very sorry to all the people (here and elsewhere), that I continuously leave behind.

I've been doing well for the last month or so. I still get bored and lonely, and life seems completely pointless, but despite this, I have been feeling so much better than normal. I'm more relaxed, and expressive, and have a song in my head a lot of the time. I've been enjoying things a lot more too, such as food, music, and television. Not to say everything is fine now, but its certainly a period where I am better than I usually am, and I truly appreciate that.

I've been thinking a lot, and I want to write about the psychological/religious abuse I went through as a child. Its still something I don't feel I can be open about, and I don't think I've really processed it all yet. I need help with it still. At least, I need to find some way to come to terms with it all and move past it. Its just so bad. It is more like a horror story. The great thing about the horror story, is that you always know in the back of your mind that its just a story, and you're actually perfectly safe...  but this is not a story though, its real life for me.

I don't think I can write about it, right now though. Probably soon though.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Welcome back.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Good to hear from you, Jazzy.

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope and Snowdrop, it is great to hear from you. I hope you've been well. Thank you for the hugs! 

I think I'm headed back downhill somewhat. This morning was really rough. I don't remember having any nightmares, but when I woke up I felt so physically exhausted, and my eyes ached like I hadn't slept at all. I got up to feed my cats and use the bathroom, but I still felt bad, so I went back to bed. Its hard to force yourself to stay awake when your eyes constantly hurt.

Its also feels really difficult to deal with people. Even something as simple as getting a call from the pharmacy today, it just feels like such a chore to talk to anyone.

But, with that said, I did really enjoy (both cooking and eating) dinner, and I'm doing alright listening to music with one of my cats right now, so that's good.

I've been thinking more about what I want to write, but its all still kind of whirling around in my mind right now, and I'm not sure how to get it in order.

[Jazzy]

Today, I've been thinking, wondering about how much I've really been able to change myself over the years, and what kind of change is possible.

Its left me with a lot of mixed feelings. For example, I can never remember sleeping properly... so I don't know if I will ever be able to learn to do so. There are some good personality traits I've had since I was a child though, despite everything that happened, so maybe I can revive and strengthen those.

I think a big part of the problem is that I don't seem to be able to control and stabilize my emotional state though, especially over a period of time. I guess that goes for all of us here, but its just so frustrating.

I've also really been longing for someone to help guide me through life. An old therapist of mine said I want a new mother, but I am too old now. I wish I could handle it myself, but I don't seem to be able to. Is it really so strange though? Doesn't everybody need somebody? I don't know, maybe that means in a different way.

I'm having a really hard time seeing things clearly. Everything I think about seems to distort when I think about it a certain way, then it changes again. Its very confusing.