Realizing I'm Frozen

[Phoebes]

When I was younger and living unconsciously, I even was far less frozen in many ways, but I was plowing through life making crazy self-abandoning decisions. Now, I know to not abandon myself. I know what I need to do. But I am frozen.

Someone I'd like to reach out to in a get-to-know-you sense. Frozen. Someone is nice to me. Frozen. Artistic idea to pursue? Frozen. Ideas to better my work and be more productive? Frozen. Urge to become more fit and active? Frozen.

It's exhausting, and lonely, and discouraging. Just watching the world go by all around me, people going from a 10- years old to successful mature 30-something artist in the time I sat around and wished I were doing art more. Friends meeting people, having a relationship, getting married, sometimes getting divorced, and remarried and had kids all in the time I wondered if I should join eharmony (yuck) or text someone I like.

I just think I'm utterly frozen in life. I'm trying not to regress into being one of those hermits that has less and less people around, but I am absolutely doing that! It's not who I feel I am on the inside, but people have slipped away-good friends have passed away or moved on or away- family is mostly NC or uninterested in my life other than a "happy B-day or merry christmas" text once a year.

The thing is, in the years I DID reach out, call, get together, try to maintain these relationships, it was mostly one-sided, and I feel like some of it was me holding on to something that was not mutual. When I let go to allow them to initiate, I realized they weren't going to, and they haven't. And this makes me fearful to reach out to new people. I know intellectually I am equally as lovable as anyone, but the hurt from so many situations before including from my own parents and certain people who claimed to truly love me, makes me frozen.

I just wanted to air that out because I feel like it is a symptom of C-PTSD that is maybe not talked about. The flight-fight-freeze-fawn responses happen all the time and throughout days..But, in childhood, the "fight" response was shut down with abusive reactions, and it is often times like I can't speak or sound won't come out. Some memories have come up that have made me realize this, and realize the cause of my Low vagal tone. Like, when I was harshly abused or lied to by Nm, if I had ANYthing to say in response, even the beginning of the word "bu...", I would be harshly cut off either by a slap or a rage attack or both. I was not allowed to RESPOND at all to my abuse. And when I tried to talk about it (as per so called therapists advice) with her in my 20's to "work through 'our problems'" was totally gaslighted and told I was too sensitive and have a vivid imagination (I'm sure you all know the drill)...so, I really feel like the PA in correllation with the VA and EA in these situations where I was set up to fail as a young child, have engrained this frozen response in me. It's something I must heal if I ever want to feel alive. I'm very frustrated.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you articulating this.  I am experiencing a similar frozeness and am not sure how to find my way out.  Sometimes I think I am making progress but then find myself back in a similar situation where I am once again stuck.  I am trying to take comfort in being able to even make one small change even if the rest seems to stay the same.  For instance, I thought I was making friends at work and fitting in better with colleagues.  But this week I realized how one sided it has been - I put myself out there and the other folks pull away.  It hurts a lot.  I don't think their behavior is really about me but then my brain is "see???"

You are not alone in this.  I'm out here too trying to figure this out. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Rainy! I really appreciate you sharing, too, and knowing we are not alone in these thoughts. I've worked really hard to always think other peoples' behavior is not about me. I didn't even know that was a thing until my 30's! I thought when people treated me badly, it was because there was obviously something wrong with me. Like there was a sign on my forehead that said, "treat me badly." But, come to find out, 1.) There WAS in a way, it's called symptoms of C-PTSD and keeping people that feel all homey around (aka, people who are unable to love, are available, or who are narcissistic.) and 2.) when people treated me less than well, that was my que to try to prove to them my worthiness, in an unconscious kind of way, when I should have been giving THEM the boot. I just never had those skills due to having it drilled into my head and nervous system that I was always the problem.

So now, like you, I feel more strongly the "see???" than I do the "I am worthy," but I'm getting there. I feel closer to the point that if they don't dig me, if they disapprove or think I'm weird or in some way not worthy, not only is it about them, but they are someone I can do without. But, it's also leading to being without a lot of people!

[rainydiary]

I relate to what you are saying.  I am often blown away at how we manage to recreate situations that can result in reliving trauma or repeating old habits/behaviors.  It's not conscious- it is so odd.  I am wondering if I found my job or if it found me as it has been a space where I am constantly triggered and reliving dynamics from my trauma. 

I have also always blamed myself but also not known how to act differently.  Finding out about CPTSD has helped as I finally understood myself more.  It is so effortful though to be reflective of "oh this is happening again, I can adjust."  I find that I am having more meaningful exchanges with others but also am feeling more let down too.  I wonder if I will really find new friends or ever feel at ease with others. 

[owl25]

I can relate to the feeling of being frozen. It's really hard. It takes time to change. I'm frozen in areas that I would really like to pursue, but at this stage just can't. I think I need some further healing before I'll be able to. I also really want to do some art but it's impossible and has been for most of my life. I've become a little more unfrozen in other areas the last couple of months, I think in part because I was finally ready to somehow. Which makes me want to say to you, don't give up, and keep at it. Eventually the changes you seek will come.

[marta1234]

Phoebes, I wanted to share my story too and show you validation too for what you're feeling. I feel like I've been frozen for my entire life. I am young, just graduated high school, and only this year have I realized I have cptsd. I find myself asking myself, many times, "What's the point?". I've never felt I had anything, nothing felt as it was mine. And so ambitions or anything, I've never thought about that. But I've had so much hate thrown at my way because I had/have no motivation or a direction. And I've felt that there was something wrong with me, because everyone around me had dreams or wants for the future. But I never had those. I guess it's what you said, I've just been frozen.
Sending you much love Phoebes and a gentle hug if it's ok

[Phoebes]

Thank you all so much for the supportive responses. It really helps to know others experience something like this.

I do feel lately I've rounded a little of a corner. I'm less "codependent" and working on deep breathing techniques, exercising more, sleeping a little better. I think all of these things combined and just plugging away is helping my mindset. Work is very busy and takes a lot out of me, but I'm more motivated in healthier ways, which can't have a negative outcome.

I really admire you younger people (marta and maybe others) who are becoming conscious of these things at such a young age and taking charge of your healing! I wish I could have seen it in my 20s. 30's or 40s. I thought I did, but I didn't until I recognized NPD.

[Jemini]

I can relate a lot. I'm new here, really hoping to find connections and help. I'm totally stuck in my life. I had a "functional" life for years, but it was as you describe, I had friends who would not reach out to me if I didn't, and who did not stick around when I needed them. I also have had relationships with emotionally unavailable people and narcissists, and yes, would fall into trap of trying to prove my worth, which only serves to make me feel that much more worthless when I'm discarded. I've become so shell shocked about all of it that I've avoided my way into a corner of total isolation. And like you say, I feel I'm worthy of love. I struggle to even figure out what I've done wrong overall. Is it choice of people? Is it chronic avoidance? Is it being prone to depression in ways that most people don't tolerate? I don't know.