Am I being triggered subconsciously? (Trigger warning)

[Bounty]

So I'm not sure if this is where I should post this but as it relates to a major flashback last Friday I thought I would place it here.

TRIGGER WARNING


So on Friday I was intimate with my partner and everything was going really well until I had a major flashback and then all I could see was my ex (rapist) instead of my partner.

I am trying to work out why I had such a bad flashback and why the aftermath has been really difficult, I'm wondering if it's the counselling as it's bringing things to the surface or could it be related to my partner trying new things between us like new positions, could I subconsciously not feel safe as it's not the norm?

I would talk to my partner about what I'm thinking but I don't want him thinking he is to blame.

I think I might explore this more in counselling but I have to wait until next week so thought I would ask others what they think.

[Bounty]

Lots of views but no opinions or replies of any kind, I guess I will wait to talk to my counsellor.

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry you didn't get any responses.

Sex is a very difficult thing to discuss for many members of this forum. Myself included.

Reading your post caused me to have a visual flashback and in order to escape that I had to stop reading.

Guests' views of posts show in the counter, but only members can reply.

Flashbacks occur in the amygdala first, a deeper part of the brain. They can also be called amygdala hijacks.

[Hope67]

Hi Bounty,
I am also sorry that you didn't get any responses.  I am glad that Three Roses was able to say what she said in her reply to you.  Because I wanted to reply, but I was similarly triggered and unable to say anything.  I had viewed your post a couple of times, and both times, I couldn't say anything.  I wanted to though.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I had the same sort of trigger reaction. As has been discussed on some other posts, there are times when it's hard to put any words to feelings, especially when it involves the sort of trigger you relate.

For me, the trigger/emotional flashback tore into some of my worst memories as I'd had a similar occurrence going back decades. Since then I've been unable to experience deep intimacy due to fearing those old triggers and how they might cause me to 'freak out' again. In hindsight, had I been able to muster complete honesty about my reluctance it might have helped; but I just couldn't muster that much pain, even though I now think it might have helped were I able to do so.

I really can't 'advise' anyone else on this, as it's of course extremely sensitive. Perhaps I'd have come away from my experience better had I had access to a therapist or counsellor at the time but it's hard to figure anything that would truly help; all I know is the experience confirmed how deeply the original incidents damaged me.

Whatever options you follow, I hope you'll find a way to feel at peace with this. 

[Bermuda]

As others have said, it's quite a difficult thing to reply to. I suppose it's an issue many of us face in a variety of different ways.

I think one thing to consider is what you imagine to be a positive outcome, as this too may be very different between individuals.
This may include your partner in discussion, or not, or to only a certain extent.

I have personally always been very honest about the things I am experiencing, and perhaps to a fault. Both avenues have pros and cons.

I do know that therapy can most certainly stir up all sorts of feelings and flashbacks, even if they are not what you've been discussing at all. Therapy often creates a domino effect of emotional and physical reactions, which can be a good thing for processing it all. It could be something to discuss with your therapist, to help come up with strategies together.

You're not alone in this. Sometimes the silent ones represent those who are still working on answering the same questions.
I hope you find the solution, and I hope you share it when you do.

<3

[Bounty]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry my post was so triggering to some.

I appreciate it is not an easy topic to talk about I just find it difficult when I get no replies because I have spent my life not being listened to so it is a trigger in itself.

I will talk to my counsellor before talking to my partner as it may help me word it in a way that my partner won't think it's his fault.

Thanks again all.

[Blueberry]

Hi Bounty, I'm sorry you didn't get replies to begin with either. Especially since it maybe took quite a bit of courage to write? Difficult topic and all that.

I just find it difficult when I get no replies because I have spent my life not being listened to so it is a trigger in itself.

Here I just want to mention that just because you didn't get replies (and now only have a few) doesn't mean that people didn't listen. There are any number of reasons why mbrs don't respond after reading, often to do with their own processes, overwhelm etc.

I also read your original post and considered suggesting you have a look at the Flashback board but then my InnerCritic went on the rampage against me. I wasn't even triggered by your content, unlike others.

I hope you continue to come on the forum and receive more replies another time.

[dreamriver]

Hi Bounty, maybe I can chime in.

*Trigger Warning*

I haven't been on this forum much lately but maybe thought you could get some feedback from someone who isn't triggered by this type of content as much as others...not so much but I do have issues, experienced SA as a child but on the plus side it's heavily repressed because most happened in infancy, and I thankfully was able to carve out a close and healthy sex life with others before the repressed memories really hit me like a load of bricks and explained a lot of things. (EA and neglect did a MUCH bigger number on me by far than SA/PA and seems to be at the deepest foundation of my trauma)

Anyways, I've had similar issues to what you describe. Like you things got really the most difficult right around when I was first going to therapy and uncovering/unraveling some serious stuff. My body would lock up and it's like I couldn't relax and be open, even the idea of sex disgusted me for a while. But it got way better as I've processed things.

My partner thought it was his fault but I kinda just told him for my own benefit and explained that it wasn't him, he still felt bad though. I hated telling him but there was no other option. But he got over it. There is a lot of trust between us though.

I think in this situation, it's your body, it takes two to have sex, and if the aftermath is pretty awful for you right now then you have every right to tell him that you're struggling with new positions because of trauma. You don't want him to feel like he is to blame, and the easiest way to do that is to tell him he isn't to blame. If he feels guilty for that or doesn't believe you anyway, that is kind of his problem and you were very clear what the cause is, that it's really not him. That's his struggle. And if he's your serious partner in sex and in life, he can move past it.

You don't have to absorb his guilt because you both can't have sex a certain way. And anyways, if it's just certain positions and pushing beyond your usual limits that is triggering, then you can still be intimate with normal positions, right? And if not, your partner can always take care of himself intimately.

What you describe is familiar, but in my case, it wasn't flashbacks to my sexual abuser but actually to the emotional abuse. While getting intimate I had impressions that I couldn't possibly be sexual or sexy because I'm really deep down just as disgusting and awful and ugly and unwanted as I was shown and taught as a child. I struggle with this off and on, I need to work hard to make myself feel sexy in my own eyes before I feel it's even possible for someone else to see me that way.

But it did get better, this was a little under a year ago around the time when my therapy and relationships were at a fever pitch. Did the new positions your partner try to do with you, were you 100% comfortable with them? Were you doing them to please your partner in the moment? Were they only his idea? That can be an exciting part of getting intimate, is doing what your partner wants and being a little subservient (with safety words and full on trust and understanding of course), but I do think if there is any part of you that is reluctant to try new things it could definitely put you back in that mindset of being coerced sexually again, especially now.

I have full faith that it will improve for you though, just like it did with me 🙂 If you had an easier time getting intimate in the past before counseling then I do think you can get back to that place again. and I hope it's an easy thing for your partner to understand and go along with while you are struggling in the meantime...it might not be but how else is he going to learn about what's really going on with you, and how else are you going to heal? Good luck. 🙂

[Bounty]

Thank you for your in depth reply it was very helpful and has got me thinking over a few things.
My partner is very understanding especially when I was extremely triggered with the usual position the evening before the anniversary.

I'm doing a lot of inner child work in counselling at present so that is bringing a whole new set of emotions etc to deal with.