Thoughts....(2nd journal)

[Snookiebookie2]

It's been another difficult day at work.  Something hasn't been dealt with well. Whilst this was a problem before I started, I still feel I haven't performed well.  I feel quite exposed and inadequate. I am aware this is my CPTSD at work.

I've spoken to my direct supervisor and flagged up the problem and discussed potential course of action. She hasn't held me responsible at all and knew that the computer system was lacking. It's not a vast sum of money, so that's okay.

Despite this, I can't help feeling bad.  But unlike what most people feel, this feeling is an intense, dark emotion.   It goes to the very heart of me.  It consumes me.

What's strange is the kind of thoughts that worry and unsettle me.  The obvious thought I'd that they may sack me. The other thought is that someone may think bad things about me - that I'm useless. That thought scared me more than the  thought that they might fire me!  Yes, I'm genuinely more upset at the idea of someone negatively judging me that being out of a job.

And actually, as I think about what might happen, what really, really scares me is being told off. Someone being very angry at me for failing to do something or not living up to expectations. I'd do anything to avoid that. It's a flashback. A trigger. It reminds me about both of my parents.  It brings back memories and emotions of when they used to be disappointed in me and negatively judge me.  It hurt so much.

This is what I am really scared off. I don't want to be treated like that ever again. Ever!  I hated myself for being substandard. For not living up to their expectations. For being bad. For being not good enough. It was an isolating place to be. It made me ashamed of myself.

When my perfectionism fails to protect me, and my shame is triggered, it takes me back to that place where my parents made me feel bad to be me.

When I've tried to explain to others how mistakes make me feel, they usual reply "we all make mistakes" or "were t only human".  They don't understand what it feels like to be me. They don't know how painful it is for me to make a mistake.

This fear holds me prisoner. I'm scared to be me, scared someone will judge me and dislike me. Or I'm constantly filtering what I say and do to prevent offending someone or getting into trouble. I'm always monitoring myself and judging how far away I am from triggering a negative response from someone. I absolutely don't want someone to make me feel the way my parents made me feel.

When I go through a particularly rough time at work, I often start looking for a new job. But the one constant at every job is me.  I don't change, and the same situation happens.  Something will trigger that feeling in me.  So is there any point in moving jobs, when the problem is the programming in my head?

****Trigger warning suicide ideation****
Sometimes things will become overwhelming at  work, and I'll just have thoughts of not being here any more. The thought of not having those negative thoughts and feelings any more. Of not having to live those feelings that my parents put into me. Not disappointing someone.... Again. 

Those thoughts may seem out of proportion, but sometimes the thought of harming myself seem preferable to having those horrible feelings again.

Thankfully, I think of my family, and it's enough to keep me rational.

I keep on battling and carry on. But each time it less another little painful scar. And slowly it adds a little more pain each time I experience this.

[Hope67]

Hi Snookiebookie,
I wanted to send you a hug  if that's ok.  I read what you wrote, and whilst I can't find words to say what I want to say just now, I wanted you to know that I related to a lot of what you've said here.

I'm glad that your supervisor was supportive of you.  Well done for getting through the day - it sounds like a challenging one. 

Hope