Ronja's Collection of Self-Esteem Issues

[Ronja]

Good morning once again! I'm hoping to make journal writing part of my morning routine... let's hope that it'll stick this time.

Yesterday was a very weird day. After some social interaction I felt pretty positive about myself. I went home, went on a tidying frenzy, listened to some empowering music, and I thought that I'd finally beaten my slump. But when I laid down to sleep, I started thinking about my fear of abandonment once again, and then it all spiraled downwards from there. I couldn't really sleep until after midnight, after I finally managed to drink a cup of tea and tell myself that I'll feel better in the morning. And I do feel a little bit better, but it still feels like something is really just off. I was really unhappy with my looks, and my hair, and I almost didn't want to leave my flat today because of that. And my inner critic is so loud lately - telling me that everyone is going to abandon me, and that it's no wonder given how I'm not really good at anything - not even at looking nice.

I know that's not true. I know that I'm good at a lot of things, if perhaps not perfect. I'm a very creative person, and I'm amazing at problem-solving. I'm can understand concepts pretty easily, and I'm especially good at learning to use new tools, especially software. I have a good sense of style that is unique to me, and I take really good care of my hair. I am neat, but not obsessive about it. I'm loving, and open-minded, and I never raise my voice at the people I love, because I know that they're doing their best, even when they make a mistake (there's no use getting angry! it happened, and now all we can do is fix it together). I take my time to listen to people when they tell me about themselves, especially when they talk about their favorite things. There are more things I could write down, but the point is, my inner critic tries to paint me in black, when really, I'm neither all bad nor perfect. I'm just a person, and sometimes I'm going to be fun and pleasant, and other times I'm going to be difficult, and neither of these things define my whole character. And the people who see me for who I am will also realize that. I don't want to be with someone who either idealized me or paints me as a villain, because I'm more complex than that. We're all more complex than that!

I think what I need right now is a healthy dose of neutrality. In times like these, I find it hard to stay positive, so I try to at the very least be neutral: "I'm no more or less lovable than any other person on the planet." "I'm not evil, and I am not perfect. I'm something in-between, just like everybody is." "I have to eat/rest, because my body needs those things to keep me alive. I do not have to be 'deserving' of keeping myself alive." I'm also hoping that talking to my partner will help - I didn't have any time to see him yesterday. But I don't know. At this point, I feel that what I need is an extended hug and a large dose of reassurance, so it might be less of a conversation and more of a cuddle session.

That's it for today. Hopefully, I'll feel more positive tomorrow - I'm kind of sick of all this drama going on in my head, and I just want some peace and quiet for once. Thank you for reading, and have a nice day!

[dollyvee]

Hi Ronja,

Your journal sounds very self aware and I think it's great that you have this balanced approach to these things. I think it's hard to get out of these people pleasing behaviours and deal with the thoughts and things that created them in the first place. Perhaps this is even more true when we're in our early 20s trying to make our way. I can remember what I was going through when I was at university and this stuff started coming up - I was all over the place.

If you're open to it, I found IFS helpful in dealing with or finding my inner critic. Just wanted to stop by and said I hear you.

dolly

dolly

[Ronja]

Thank you for the suggestion, dolly! IFS sounds exactly like something that would be helpful to me.

But onto my journal entry. I haven't been writing over the weekend, mainly because I've been busy, but also because I didn't really feel like it. Once again, I've been all over the place emotionally, and I feel really guilty because I've been saying some negative things about myself around my partner, and now I fear that I made him worry. I know that I'm really fine, that I'm just going through a tough phase which will pass in time, but I know that it might not look like that from the outside. And that also makes me afraid of being abandoned once again - of being labelled the crazy one, the toxic one, the abusive one, when I've been trying so hard not to be any of these things. I thinks that's one of my biggest fears, driving people away without really meaning to. I fear that people have the wrong image of me, and that I won't be given a chance to redeem myself. Ironically, this leads to me not letting anyone in at all. Why do I hold this belief? I think it's because my parents, mainly my mother, often labelled me as the bad one. Things were always my fault, and when I made a mistake, they made it out to be something I did on purpose. "Accidents" weren't a thing, they always assumed malicious intent, and nothing I said could convince them otherwise. It made me hypervigilant not to make any mistakes at all. If I didn't make any mistakes, they couldn't blame me for it. And when I did make a mistake, I did everything in my power to hide it from them, because I knew that they wouldn't help me, but blame me instead. It's why I always force myself to handle things alone. For many people, when they make a mistake, their first instinct is to call their parents; for me, my first instinct is wondering whether I can keep it from them. That's a horrible thing for a child to go through, and it's something that makes me feel helpless to this day.
But it's time to let go. Let go of the stories they force on me, like they know me better than I know myself. Let go of the shame and blame that I still carry with me, and give it back to them. Let go of this obsession with not being seen as bad - if someone can't see me for the complex person that I am, then I don't want to have anything to do with them. Making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, being difficult sometimes doesn't make me a bad person, saying the wrong things sometimes doesn't make me a bad person. It just means that I'm not perfect. And sometimes that means that I have to acknowledge my wrongdoing and apologize, but it never, ever means that I'm inherently flawed and evil. So I want to cut myself some slack, and start believing that I'm okay just the way I am. That will take some time, but that's alright - I can give myself all the time in the world.

There are some other things that stress me out right now, and that add to my chaotic emotional state. I'm visiting my partner's mother this weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm also worried about making a good first impression. From what he's told me about her, she's really cool and kind, so it'll probably be fine. But it's the first time in my life I'm meeting someone who might one day become my mother-in-law, so I'm still anxious. Then there's Christmas, which I will unfortunately be spending with my FOO (I'm not yet ready to go full on no-contact, and I'm afraid that missing Christmas would be taken as a clear provocation). I want to make sure that I'll be spending as little time there as possible, but I'm also traveling with a friend to save money, so I'm a bit dependent on her. To be honest, I'm really not comfortable with being unable to leave at any time. I'd rather spend more money on the train ticket and leave a little earlier if it means peace of mind. And considering that I plan on visiting far less often from now on, I'll be saving a lot of money anyway. So that's that. I still want to make some preparations for this visit, to make sure I'm as stable as possible. Christmas isn't really a bad time for my family; it usually makes them more docile, actually. But they might ask me questions about my life, or start criticizing and teasing me, and I want to be ready for that. I was thinking about scheduling a call with a friend, and I was planning on calling my partner anyway - maybe even every day I'll be staying home. I'll have to talk to him about it to make sure that he has the time for it. I'll also need some sort of project I'll be able to focus on over the holidays, be it something I can craft or a new video game to play. And I'll take my noise-cancelling headphones with me so I can have some peace and quiet when I need it.

Alright, this has been longer entry that usual, but maybe that's just because I have a lot of things on my plate. Thanks for reading and have a nice day!

[Armee]

You have it, right here! 100%

I know that really feeling and believing this in the dark moments is harder than writing it here when you are feeling ok-ish but this is amazing insight that took me many decades to even get close to grasping.

Good luck with Christmas prep. For a time I had to pretend I was with a stranger off the streets I was just doing an act of kindness for, rather than believing I was spending time with my own mom. I'd just...pretend...we weren't famy. It worker for a day. 

But it's time to let go. Let go of the stories they force on me, like they know me better than I know myself. Let go of the shame and blame that I still carry with me, and give it back to them. Let go of this obsession with not being seen as bad - if someone can't see me for the complex person that I am, then I don't want to have anything to do with them. Making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, being difficult sometimes doesn't make me a bad person, saying the wrong things sometimes doesn't make me a bad person. It just means that I'm not perfect. And sometimes that means that I have to acknowledge my wrongdoing and apologize, but it never, ever means that I'm inherently flawed and evil. So I want to cut myself some slack, and start believing that I'm okay just the way I am. That will take some time, but that's alright - I can give myself all the time in the world.

[Ronja]

Good morning everyone!

Thank you for the idea Armee, pretending that I'm with strangers might actually work for me. I also like to pretend that I'm a scientist studying my family of origin - it gives me a lot of insights into the ways I was raised, and it creates a distance of rationality between me and them. And it keeps me from slipping back into the role of a child. For me, visiting my family always raises a very childlike, helpless part of myself, who feels trapped and in danger. So I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that I'm an adult now - I have to put on my makeup, wear nice clothes, keep myself from lounging around on the bed all day, and actually keep up with my daily routine.

But enough about Christmas for now. Yesterday evening, I've been triggered by a misunderstanding between me and my boss - it's all cleared up now, but it did make me feel really anxious at the time. Once again, I felt like I was bad, rather than accepting that it was a mistake in communication, and I think I'm still projecting characteristics of my parents - blaming, judging, demonizing - on other people who have done nothing to deserve it. It isn't fair, and it's been contributing to most of my relationships remaining shallow, so nobody wins in this situation. I know that I need to accept that most people are more or less trustworthy - at the very least, they don't care enough about little old me to actively track my mistakes in order to demonize me for it. And that's especially the case for my loves ones. I know that when I really love someone,  I don't really care if they accidentally say something that hurts me, or lash out when they're in a bad mood, so long as they're genuinely sorry afterwards. So why can't I believe that for myself?

To end this on a more positive note, my partner actually started listening to some music I recommended! Knowing that someone put in the effort to get to know me in that way has really put a smile on my face.

[rainydiary]

Ronja, I appreciate you sharing these experiences.  I find it very difficult to trust others and have come to see it is often because I barely trust myself.  I am in a place where I am feeling anger at the people that taught me to question every thing I do and see myself in the worst possible terms.  We are all imperfect and that is ok.  I hope that you continue to find care and make compassion especially toward yourself. 

[Ronja]

Hiya Everyone,

This is a really short one, because I feel a little tired right now. Today, I've chosen to take a rest day, because my emotions have been all over the place lately and I know that my rigid working schedule has been contributing to this. The thing is, I don't even get much done, because I always tell myself that my workday is long, and that I'll do it later, and then I just... don't. I procrastinate, and the worst thing is that I don't have time to do any of my household chores and health related habits (like jogging), which makes me feel even worse. So today, I've scaled it back down to the absolute basics, and I want to rethink my schedule. I'm best at concentrating in the early morning, so I need to get my academic work done then, before lunch. And in the afternoon, I need to schedule easier activities, like emails, or chores. But I do feel guilty. People who work full time have so much more on their plate, and they seem to handle it well; so why can't I do it? But that's an unfair comparison. Right now, I have to write my bachelor's thesis, and that's extremely "brain-intensive" work. Add to that a big heap of anxiety, and it's no wonder that I can't spend an entire day working on it. I need something more mindless to balance it out, something that doesn't require me to actively learn.

Other than that, there's not a lot happening right now. I'm feeling a little tired, and I'm still not sure whether I want to go out for a drink with some acquaintances later in the evening. I really don't feel like talking to anybody, but I know that I might have fun if I do go. Maybe I should just join them for a bit to see where it goes - I can always leave if I'm really not having fun.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day!

[Ronja]

Hello everyone,

I think I feel a little bit better after the rest day. I feel calm, and I actually want to do something creative, an urge which I should really follow up on since it has become such a rarity. I finished some anxiety-inducing work today, which I'm sure has been helpful in putting my mind at ease. I've also been reading a motivating book - the Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself - and that has been really helpful. I know that reading helps me with stabilizing my mood, so it's something I want to prioritize again. I didn't end up going to the meet-up yesterday, and I think that was the right decision. I was far too tired, and I needed the rest, especially as I'm an introvert. Right now, I'm off to cook some food, and then I might just paint something for the first time in months, if not years.

Thanks for reading. I hope that the day is kind to you!

[dollyvee]

Hi Ronja,

Just catching up on your journal and just wanted to send some support. I had anxiety in university as well that led me to have insomnia. I still have traits of it and am only just learning to unpack that. If these feelings seem unfounded, what I learned is that sometimes we inherit family traumas which get activated at certain times in lives, mimicking the age of our family member that went through something similar. I'm also thinking that it started bringing up ideas of loyalty I had to my family and me being successful meant that I would be separated from them. Thought I would mention it and please disregard if not relevant, it's just something that I would have never considered at the time. Hope the thesis writing goes well.

dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Ronja,
Your book sounds good.  I wanted to pop by and wish you a kind day too.   
Hope