New me? or the True me?

[Cazzles]

Hi,
I found OOTS while browsing, desperately trying to find forums or pages of people sharing their experiences of CPTSD. And here I am!
Firstly, thank you to whoever created this free space, I'm feeling very alone in my experiences, and finding this forum has made me feel like I could be accepted somewhere, even while i'm going through "this".
I'll be honest, I've known of my CPTSD for around 5 weeks now. I'm one of the people who've been labelled with depression and anxiety my whole life, and fobbed around to CBT, or medications, without anyone talking to me beyond how i felt the week before.
In July, I reached out and self referred to a talking therapy company as I hit my annual mental health sinkhole, and someone asked me if I have any bad memories of being a child. I spent an hour, metaphorically looking down a pipe while discussing every year that I watched this happen, or had this or that happen to me. I was completely numb, but unable to stop crying like a baby. I began my fortnightly online CBT, and within weeks, I was quickly referred to a new team in trauma therapy.
I've never been so scared of having to talk to someone in all my life. I now have weekly hour & a half sessions on the phone (due to covid) with my trauma therapist, and spend the days in between in absolute dread, or completely numb, or reverting to my perfection of shoving my feelings into a corner and pretending that I'm fine - I deserve an award for how easy I can do that now.
I'm not ready to talk about some things that happened. But since talking, or even using the word trauma to describe my childhood, I feel myself in more of a pit, more out of control than I've been in a long time. And the nightmares are so much worse now; they're bringing forward parts of my memories that I had previously unconsciously blocked out.
I hope that using this forum, and reading & helping others with their experiences can help me come to terms with my new therapy, and help me stop the denial that I so strongly have toward this, as well as helping others.

[woodsgnome]

  Hi, Cazzles.

Sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but now that you've opened the door it's an honour to welcome you here. You'll discover others here slowly but surely finding their own way ahead.

The only known thing -- it isn't easy, but finding a better way with life's awful twists is worth the effort. 

Best wishes as you seek to get a handle on this and turn the corner into a brighter path.

[Snowdrop]

Welcome to the forum, Cazzles!

[marta1234]

Hey Cazzle, welcome to the forum  . I know the feeling of dread and terror when starting to open up about your trauma. You're not alone in this. Especially at first it's going to be tough to create that boundary between past abuse and the present. Sending you support and a hug (if it's ok) for your beginning of your recovery journey 

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

[Pioneer]

Welcome, Cazzles!  I hope you find much encouragement and assurance from the people on this forum! I know that I have, and it's made a big difference for me.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Cazzles     Glad you found your way here and I think you'll find many people you can relate to.

It's a huge step when you realize what's happened so please know that what you're feeling (or not feeling) is quite 'normal' for survivors initially. 

You don't have to post until you're ready but please know you are welcome and safe here.   

[Bella]

Hi and welcome to the forum Cazzles! 

[ShadyForest]

Hi, Welcome to the Group. 

[kaynubz]

Hi there!

I'm new here as well and really related to your post. Wishing you well on this healing journey.