"Loss of systems of meanings" and recent events

[Asche]

One of the symptoms I see mentioned in the lists of symptoms of C-PTSD is "Loss of systems of meanings,"  but I don't see a separate sub-forum for that, which is why I'm posting this here.  One of the symptom lists says

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world. For example, you might lose faith in some long-held beliefs you had or develop a strong sense of despair or hopelessness about the world.

I've lived with a sense of despair most of the time my whole life.  I tend to be convinced in my heart of hearts that the worst possible outcomes will come to pass.

I don't hope.   I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, mostly because I don't know how to stop.  It's what keeps me going a lot of the time -- when it's something I need to do, it's good, but when it's something I really should abandon, it's a problem.   The rational part of me can plan for the future, but the emotional part -- my soul -- does its best to not even think of the future.  Until it actually happens, I assume nothing will ever change for the better.  And even when something does change for the better, I withhold my joy, anticipating that if I allow myself to believe in it and rely on it, it will all be taken away.

These past few years (the "Age of Trump") a lot of the spaces I spend time in go on a lot about how we all need hope, as if you'd dry up and blow away if you didn't have it, and it reinforces my sense that I'm some kind of extra-terrestrial alien.  I feel like the skunk at the garden party when I say how I see it: that you can get by without hope.  What I feel but don't say: hope is dangerous, if you commit to hope, then it can kill you when it gets dashed, as it inevitably will.

The past four years I have lived in dread because I am trans, a member of a group that the people running the US government have explicitly targetted, and I kept expecting that at some point I would need to flee the country (USA).  When people would tell me it won't ever get that far, I would feel like they are deluded or are deliberately lulling me into a false complacency, so that when the blow comes, I won't be prepared.  The past few months, and especially the past few days, have sent my anxiety through the roof, since it looked like the first of many attempts to overthrow by force the system of laws which are the only protection I have.

[marta1234]

Asche, my heart goes out to your fears. I'm sorry you have to live with these fears (I hope it's ok to say that, if not then you can ignore that).
I just want to tell you, that you're not an "alien". You're not the skunk. You're just a human being, who's had * thrown at them and gone through it all. And it's ok to feel hopeless, and not feel hope in your daily life. Because that is your defense mechanism, that protected you when you needed protection (and nobody was there to be that role). And so, you become your own parent when you were just a little kid. This all to say is that, your experiences and trauma are valid. And that that trauma has made you not feel hope is ok.
I, too, don't feel hope. I can feel positive emotions for a brief time, but hope has not been one of them (yet). I also have a very negative view of the world, and most times I feel like everyone will come and attack me at some point, because that's just how it is. You grow up with the fact that the world attacks you constantly with *. I hope I helped you show that you're not alone in this.
Sending you a hug (if it's ok) 

[Asche]

One of my obsessions is the Hunger Games trilogy.  I identify a little with Katniss, who IMHO rather obviously suffers from severe PTSD, due to having been in fear for her life ever since early childhood.  Anyway, there's a passage that really resonates with me, at the very end of the epilogue to Mockingjay, where she writes:

I'll tell them [my children] that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away.

Her next sentence is:

That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do.

But I'm not far enough along for that yet.

* * * *

She mentions nightmares; I almost wish I had them.  Instead, I frequently wake up with the words "I wish I were dead" going through my mind, over and over again.  It's like I am the nightmare.  I sometimes dream of being pursued by vampires (and the people I run to for rescue handing me over to the vampires), but I don't wake up screaming; instead, when I finally wake up, I feel "undead."  Like my soul has been taken away.

[Asche]

I just want to tell you, that you're not an "alien".

Remember when the supermarket tabloids would have headlines like, "I had a space alien's baby"?

After I'd been away from home for a few years, I started saying, "I was a space alien's baby."  Maybe the reason I've never been able to relate to anyone in my FOO is that they're space aliens and I'm not.  But the way of relating I was exposed to simply doesn't work with humans.