dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Oh how strange - I posted response the other day, but like like it disappeared.

Thank you Chart - I'm taking a little bit more than the recommended dose for a couple of weeks to bring my body back up to homeostasis. DHA helps with inflammation and I'm trying to get over 1800ml of DHA a day as per the Shoemaker protocol. Honestly, I think it's helping so much. I had quite a few stressful days at work and my t commented that I was in a good mood and that I stayed in adult consciousness throughout the experience. I didn't feel overtly stressed out at the time either. I also feel more calm when faced with things to do (which I guess makes sense - maybe ADD is neuroinflammation in some people?)

Thank you NK - I agree and think it shows their lack of ability to be truly empathetic and put someone else over their needs, or as also in my case, to care for someone when it makes them feel better about themselves and is not really about you at all.

Thanks rainy - it is important to reflect on this stuff. IMO it also has a profound effect on the way we feel and how we deal with what comes up from the past. I hope your husband is finding a way to effectively manage his condition.


I refelcted with t about feeling as if my m's actions were intentional. It came up when she asked me how I felt towards her and I said that she'll want something. I went back to the place of the things my m said to me etc and how she treated me. I didn't realize how much I am carrying that. I've also been ruminating since NK (and Bach's) post about how perhaps we need to keep the image of their actions aren't intentional, so it preserves the relationship. How can you have a relationship knowing someone is intentionally cruel to you? It's the child that needs to preserve that relationship and then blame themselves. I think it was helpful to see that those feelings are there and valid.

[dollyvee]

I've made the decision to discontinue therapy with one of my therapists. I'm not sure why I've hesitated to write about it on here. I've felt like there were some hiccups ie having to overly explain myself when I felt a certain way about something, like I was trying to prove the validity of what I was experiencing and that it wasn't/isn't just projection, which I feel like is implied, and is upsetting. I feel like I'm back in the position of no one believes me and I'm over-explaining things so they'll understand. I've brought this up in the past and don't feel like it made any progress.

I also feel like the discussion around DBR went nowhere, and it wasn't really a discussion. Me bringing up that I felt like even if DBR tackles preverbal things, I don't think it negates the fact that parts are based on top of this and without dealing with the parts adequately, it could throw the whole system into disruption. The response was that sometimes DBR isn't for everyone, just sort of felt like a shut down and not even looking into how it might be possible to deal with that. I also felt that it being the second time I mentioned it made me feel as if I wasn't really heard about something that was important to me. T said that for the last couple of years, I have been doing most of the work and she's felt like a witness (I think I'm paraphrasing). I guess that's great, but also just seems not great. I felt like bringing this up, she was a bit defensive yet telling me that she's fine with it, and I guess I was experiencing the discrepency about trusting myself and what someone is telling me. TBH, I think this happens all the time and is what makes connection so difficult? But, I don't know.

I'm trying to focus on the progress that I've made and all the growth in the last 8 years. I guess I have just seen more of an internal shift with NARM t recently, and more solid going down that path.

[Chart]

DV, from what you describe I really think you did the right thing. Hope it wasn't too hard, but all the things you described are, to me, indications this t wasn't "meeting" you on many fronts. The statement, "DBR isn't for everybody" just sounds like a huge cop-out. We don't always have to dissect everything a million ways, but that statement just sounds dismissive to me.

I identify with struggling with the perception of not being heard. When this happens to me I often just fold in on myself. Takes a ton of energy for me to get back up and try to wrangle some sense into the person. Often I just move on.

Just a possible idea... your hesitation to talk about this on the forum... could you nonetheless be feeling some guilt for moving on from this therapist? Just guessing, but in that case I find it pretty normal. Ending any relationship could bring up all sorts of past stuff, especially surrounding our dysfunctional histories.

No, for whatever it's worth, I think you did a good thing.

[AphoticAtramentous]

T said that for the last couple of years, I have been doing most of the work and she's felt like a witness (I think I'm paraphrasing). I guess that's great, but also just seems not great.

I think your T had good intentions with this statement but I understand how it missed the mark. Because yes, whilst we do in fact enact most of our own self-improvement, we still need the extra guidance from medical professionals - otherwise, if therapists were all just witnesses/reviewers, why go to therapy in the first place? If all you wanted was someone to look and listen, you could vent to random people on the street for that. (joking though, don't do that hah)

I think you made the right decision though, and although having a subpar T isn't great, it is helpful that you were able to recognise these failures in your therapy. I agree with Chart in the T's statement about DBT being dismissive. I don't know much of DBR but good Ts can either adapt the therapy type to work for your unique conditions, educate themselves more if they're unsure of the therapy type, or should at least offer a similar/alternative therapy type - not just completely throw it out the window.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Chart and AA, that is affirming to hear. I felt it was dismissive and there wasn't an alternative as she had mentioned a couple times that she feels a lot of what is going on is preverbal "shock," or a response to shock, which felt quite definitive to me that she sees DBR as a solution to that. Not discussing it further felt like it was my only option to accept that route. When I also brought it up as something that felt like a road block and is attributing to my leaving, it didn't really go further either and I said, I think it's a matter of being on different pages and how it wasn't working for me. She then said do you want to revise how many sessions you want (ie not 6 wind down sessions), but to shorten it, which also felt dismissive again. She then suggested looking for someone who is trained in IFS.

Maybe I hesitated to write about it because it's kind of like the things that I most feared are coming true - that someone I opened up to isn't "on my side," and doesn't "get it," and it puts me back in the position of being a kid again and those same feelings. Namely, I can't have any opposition, or my own needs to what someone is telling me, and that if I do bring it up, there is defensiveness. Again, I don't think she's a bad person, I just noticed a big difference when I brought up my reluctance to doing some things with NARM t versus with other t. NARM t actually supported those feelings of reluctance. I don't know if it's projection, but I almost feel like I've gotten into a situation again where it's up to me to make someone else feel better, or if I act in a certain way, then someone else feels better just like with my gm, and I feel that therapy is the last place I should be having to do that. (I don't know - she's been supporting this work that I've been doing on my own, but also when it comes down to it, it didn't feel like there was support for the things that mattered to me, namely IFS and my parts. So, it does feel like dealing with my gm where on the surface she's telling me that she loves and supports me, but also crazy making because when it came down to it that support (for my independence) wasn't there, and was about what she wanted.)

[Chart]

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Chart 

Thank you Larry - Hoping you find what you need.



I think what was so upsetting about the going to shorten the sessions immediately was that, again, it wasn't a discussion and was something that felt like it was "on me." I wasn't happy therefore, I must want less sessions. I felt like she was on the defensive and I felt cornered I guess into accepting less sessions. Or probably, I didn't want to bring this up to avoid confrontation (as I feel like I do, and almost subconsciously). So, I was happy with less sessions. I guess I understand that hearing, "it's not working," or, "I don't feel like this therapy is helping," would lead to ensuring that maybe the client wanted less sessions??? Though I also don't feel like there was a lot of discussion around it.

[Chart]

I had a thought when re-reading your initial post about this therapist... Is she herself trained in DBR? And fairly recently, meaning she doesn't have "tons" of experience with DBR? From everything you describe DV, I get the impression that this therapist is kinda immature. As well, and I'm totally speculating, I can only guess from what you've described which is for sure not the whole story... is that she feels inferior to you, and she might actually be struggling to "place" herself as a therapist with you. I've often remarked at your mastery of the complex analyses you recount. (Not sure if I'm expressing that clearly...) But anyway, it certainly doesn't sound like you have that sense of shared trust with her that is so critical when working with someone on such intense things. Again, I'm just speculating from the sidelines without a complete view. But perhaps that can validate some of the things you're struggling with in this situation.
    

[dollyvee]

Chart - Thank you my internet friend    your responses really do mean a lot to me. Yes, I think that sounds fair and about right. Once I started working with my parts, it was something I implicitly trusted and felt very real for me. There were times when I became defensive about suggestions and tried to work out why, as well as communicate what was going on. I don't know if this always translated, and she perhaps felt a bit lost about what to do. Though, in my experience with NARM t, this is talked about and agency is given to what is going on for me. It's not so much about a power dynamic, or someone having the "answer" about what is going on. What I also resonated with in NARM, is that sometimes your body will shut down, completely outside of rational thinking, when it feels something off in the connection. I have felt this happening (in many different situations), and I think at times with t (interestingly, I won't always ackowledge it I think because I'm trying to preserve the relationship or the idea of the relationship; I wasn't allowed to give space to these very necessary feelings growing up). So, yeah I think at times there is a lack of trust. I think it's probably like that for most of us. I've needed to be aware of danger from such a young age and it's hard to get to that part once it's been activated.

She is new to DBR, but has been a therapist for quite some time. Repetition compulsion states we find people to repeat things with. Ideally, that happens through transference in therapy, but maybe it doesn't always happen like that. I don't always know, or have a name for what's happening internally, and I can see someone wanting to step in to help guide and name, and my defensive response at that. With NARM t, the approach felt different, and it was like the response worked on that sense of trust. I guess in both myself, which is so crucial, and in her. This didn't feel like the case with the other t, and I guess perhaps I've been struggling with "trying" to make things work. I'm always the one that had to try, to fix things, to make it work in relationships (and equally, also having the feeling of people not wanting to be near me). I guess it's also easy to do that in therapy, and to not realize the experience can be different because that's what I've always grown up with.
______________________________
Fun one - had a text from sgf last night that my brother has "realized" I'm actually entitiled to something from my mom's estate. Not that he would directly contact me about it himself, or give me his mobile number to speak with him. It's the house landline where I will very likely not be able to get a hold of him, or some other likely garbage. Part of me feels like this is bait, or a trap. I was stressing about it last night and all the above, and remembering how he lied, went behind my back (what it's like to have people like that in my life and how he and my step-father targeted ME for being who I am; what it feels like - how I feel about myself - dealing with that, and how nice my life has been lately to not have to), and decided that I will call my lawyer and ask her what are his responsibilities in handling the matter, what the time frame he has to do this, what are my legal options if he doesn't and what legal action I can take if he doesn't. I think I would also like her to deal with him though I can see that getting pricey. I honestly want to call him, or have her call him and say something like, you have 30 days to start the proceedings with this, and if not, you will be served and I will see you in court. Good will? Not anymore, not after him taking my sf's side because he told him he would cut me out of the will, and he would get more money.

I also can't help but to wonder at the timing of the text and how it came after the election results yesterday. Of course, it could all be coincidence, but the placards I saw on the social media with, "women are property," written on them reminds of the underlying insidiousness that I sometimes feel from my sgf. Actually, not totally undeerlying, he's said sexist things quite a few times and tried to pass them off as jokes. Though he was supportive of me standing up for myself at work, there was also a big butting heads last time over control. Maybe perhaps another example of people not saying what they mean, or meaning what they say.

Again, thank you internet friends for letting me put all this out here. I was thinking about telling people IRL about this and what the reaction would be, how much explaining I would have to do about his past actions, so I wouldn't seem like a "bad" person for having that reaction. I would also like to thank my dreams for showing up the night before and keeping me aware about what was coming and to protect myself.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad you have a space to share about experiences without feeling the need to provide tons of context. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Again, thank you internet friends for letting me put all this out here. I was thinking about telling people IRL about this and what the reaction would be, how much explaining I would have to do about his past actions, so I wouldn't seem like a "bad" person for having that reaction

That is very relatable. There is something special and comforting about talking to people who understand the impact of trauma. I hope it feels relieving to be able to vent it out here.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy and AA - I'm getting to a point where I'm just tired of explaining myself and feeling like I have to justify my reactions emotions etc to people. So, it does help just to put things out there.

I had my final session with t and I guess sort of felt a bit numb going into it. She apologized for feeling like I had been let down with the DBR stuff that came up. If I was going to say what I actually thought, it would've been that I feel like the time to address that would have been when I brought it up the second time or ages ago. I also don't think I was forthright in saying how much it bothered me, and while I did bring it up, I didn't say to what degree (though I feel like I've been saying this all along) and I'm also realizing how I approach conflict, or the idea of conflict. Ie to not have conflict, but I'm trying to become aware of that and address it.

What I have noticed I guess is how much it feels like once something has been "crossed," as it talks about in Healing Developmental Trauma, is how difficult it is to open up or trust again. I think there's also a lot of strategies on top of that that I've learned for how to deal with people (ie be polite, be nice) when it comes up, but the underlying feeling still remains as does the need to isolate, or feel like I have to isolate. Addressing how uncomfortable I felt with the exercise with NARM t was an experience of actually being listened to I think when something didn't feel right. I wonder if that experience has been festering in the background and helping recently.

Something that came up in the video on EMDR and preverbal trauma that Chart posted was how early we cut the switch to the dashboard lights (the indicators for our own internal world), and our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, responses when we are threatened with survival. I think it's very difficult to untangle this from the internal "soup" sometimes that is going on because 1) we had to turn them off for survival 2) how do we tell ourselves that it is ok to have these responses and 3) what are these responses because they can be so ephemeral 4) untangling those from the things that I was told (generational trauma and otherwise) that I had to do for survival, or I was "supposed" to do for survival ie I guess discerning what actually makes me feel "safe."

[NarcKiddo]

What I have noticed I guess is how much it feels like once something has been "crossed," as it talks about in Healing Developmental Trauma, is how difficult it is to open up or trust again. I think there's also a lot of strategies on top of that that I've learned for how to deal with people (ie be polite, be nice) when it comes up, but the underlying feeling still remains as does the need to isolate, or feel like I have to isolate.

This resonates hugely.

 

[Chart]

 
Me too. Trust is huge. Once broken the feeling can't be repaired.