Feeling trapped

[mojay]

I am having a really hard time tonight. I have been coming off an SSRI. I wish someone in my life understood how I feel. Or saw how deep my pain actually is. I feel like it's a bottomless pit.

I don't want to have to see my abusers every day. I don't want to be here with my FOO. That thought of "I don't want to be here" is a trigger for my CPTSD symptoms and I feel so trapped in destructive thought patterns that I have worked so hard to break free from.

I feel like I am trapped here with FOO and I feel like there is no hope of me getting better if I stay here but I do not know how to leave. I have nowhere else to go right now. I've been so scared of this ever since I had to leave my job and move in with my S. I just knew, somehow, that I would end up living with my FOO again, and here I am. No options but living with FOO again. I guess I don't feel safe here because they never kept me safe when I was little. I just wish I knew how to get better. It really, really hurts.

I have therapy tomorrow morning so that will be good, too. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I'm so grateful for OOTS.

I feel so much worse when I am feeling trapped in a situation. I feel like it reminds me that I am trapped in unbearable pain that I did not choose for myself and that I was powerless to stop. I desperately want to get better, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish that my brain would help me out and give me better solutions. I want to feel better. Even dissociation would be preferable to the overwhelming feeling that my life is not right. At least then I feel like it's not my life and that's somehow better. *sighs* I don't know. I am going to try to do something calming (again).

[marta1234]

Mojay, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my sypmtoms take over, I too do not see much escape. Sending you my love and support, and a blanket with a warm drink (if it's ok) 
I hope you are able to find something calming, and it's already a good step that you reached out (pat on the back for you) 

How are you doing now?

[mojay]

Marta, the warm drink is just what I needed! That was the first thing I wanted this morning and made me smile when I read your comment as I was drinking the tea
Last night was really tough, I spent a lot of time on aromatherapy and meditation to try to sleep. I think the meditation was helpful to calm my thoughts. The aromatherapy is always grounding, I have been using the same scent for 3 years now which I think helps my brain know that it's time for emotional calm. Calling the hotline also helped, it felt good to be heard. I even got 3ish hours of sleep!

Thank you so much for responding and checking in on me, it means a lot to me 

[Bella]

Hi Mojay!
Good to hear you are doing better now than last night.
It truly does feel like a bottomless pit beeing overwhelmed with those intense emotions. My symptoms also get so much worse when my emotions run crazy. I hear and feel your pain. It's excruciating!
You are not alone!
Just wanted to let you know!

Sending you a warm hug, if that would be OK with you!

[Not Alone]

Mojay, I hear that you are feeling trapped and are in a lot of pain. Good job taking steps to care for yourself. I know how incredibly hard that can be when triggered and feelings are at a height.

[mojay]

NotAlone & Bella, I apolgoize for my late reply. I haven't had the strength to revisit to this topic until tonight. Thank you for your validation, it means a lot to me.
here is a hug for anyone who is okay with a hug!! 

[Not Alone]