I literally changed how I look at things

[Armadillo]

Um I seem to have stumbled on a trick to get me out of (one form of) dissociation.

I have a hard time with eye contact, which seems pretty normal. Yesterday I was alone and noticed I was avoiding eye contact but there's nobody there! I am not just avoiding eye contact but avoiding taking in all but the most essential visual information just regularly going about my day. I noticed that my eyes dart around never landing on things and that I seem to be glazing over with one eye so I am only taking in information from my right eye. It felt exactly how I feel when I am around my mom and trying to navigate and communicate without looking at or seeing her or being seen.

So I stopped. And I tried very intentionally to slow my eyes down and to look at things with both eyes and take objects in. Their shape, color, what they actually are... At first it gave me a panicky feeling. Then over the course of the day I realized 1. I felt very very grounded 2. Things looked different, not flat or 2-d. They had depth 3. I could breathe deeply  4. I could sing 5. I could navigate places I usally get lost and 6. I just felt GOOD. Here. Present.

The only thing that changed was how I was literally viewing things.

I thought about how things looked bright and full and detailed and I could see things like branches and limbs and leaves on trees where before it looked smeary and abstract. Then I realized "oh. That is probably what is meant by the descriptions of derealization where they say it's like looking at the world through glass or something." I never related to that.

But the amazing thing is just how good I feel. I know this isn't going to solve all my dissociation problems since I have several forms of dissociation, but I am so relieved to have one more trick that really works for me for some of it, and it has lasted now for 24 hrs.

[Blueberry]

  So happy for you. One more tool in your toolbox, and you came up with it yourself too. 

[rainydiary]

I think it is so cool you noticed this about yourself. 

[Armadillo]

This is just amazing to me..to have depth perception. I can see and take in so much more information. I'm joyful about having this part of human experience opened up to me. And I'm sad that I've walked around for 40 yrs like this not knowing. I also discovered about 4 months ago that you could actually feel your own body parts and that was really cool too!

[rainydiary]

Agreed.  It is amazing to realize our bodies are made to give us information through feelings of many forms.  It does feel good to connect in that way even if it can be overwhelming (in my experience).  What you say resonates with me too - I've often felt sad that it took me so long to get here.  And now for me the challenge is to allow good feelings to stay as long as they want.