Feel like a failure despite trying

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
This is post I'm sure will sound full of self pity but I'd just like space to vent if I may ...
I just feel such a failure ..
Needed to let my career go 2.5 yrs ago due to cptsd ... Got into treatment and was doing well got discharged and then 2 mths later my m.e / CFS got much worse and bam I've been housebound for 5 mths ..
I just feel like I've failed at so much ..
Never got the long term partner , no kids , no home ownership , no car , no friendship group well I have but not close close people if u see what I mean .. no family support ..
And now I'm disabled but look fine some of the time ..
I feel so many people  out here have  got a good life but I know many don't .
How do I stop beating myself up for choices I didn't make , things I didn't strive for , problems with relationships ... It's like I've woken up to the car crash of my life ..
In my defence I have spent a lot of my life in addiction but not there anymore ...
How did I get it all so wrong when I felt I was getting it right ?

[woodsgnome]

It was hard reading your post, as I know and admire the progress you've spoken about in the past on this forum.

It's like we get a head of steam going forward, dial up the expectations, and it falls flat -- or seems to. I think the "seems to" is perhaps a key but it's all so overwhelming to try and try so much without crashing a bit, as you say.

The 'how' of getting out of these corners is always problematic, plus though we all hurt in various ways, there is no one size fits all when it comes to recovery.

I've come to these points of seeming no return, too often. On the verge of giving up, I've been surprised by myself and manage to go forward, sometimes wobbly but always getting a next step in, it seems. I no longer know 'how' or 'why' this happens like this, and can't really say I've accepted this.

What I have accepted better is that, having seen twists I never expected, that staying open is the other key; and/or the door may already be open. Another way to say what I'm trying to form words for is just to plant the thought that surprises do happen, albeit for worse sometime; and yet sometimes this gets turned around or some other unexpected mood, event, or person appears on the horizon and at least things start to even out.

How many times I've groaned at the word 'patient'. All I know is, what else can I do but be patient? What I do know with more certainty is that you do deserve a fair shake. Sadly, all I can fully offer is these words but if you'll accept a  or two  , I will lay them out here, with the hope that they can at least be a part of new and revived good things in your life.

[Kat]

"How do I stop beating myself up for choices I didn't make, things I didn't strive for, problems with relationships"

I read this and heard my therapist answer since I've said similar so, so many times: grieve.  I hate that answer.  But there's something to it.  You said it yourself: too much of this was chosen for you.  The best thing you can do is honor what was lost or never was by grieving.  Little by little, it helps.

Be super gentle with yourself.  Re-read what Woodsgnome said...there's a lot of wisdom there as well.  Don't forget that you matter.

[rainydiary]

What you write resonates with me.  I wish you (and I and others) didn't feel this way and I wish I could grant you ease from this suffering.  Recently someone shared with me the idea that birth and rebirth come from pain, force, even anger.  This feels so violent to me but also gives me some validation that perhaps all my pain will be for good. 

I often think of the movie Sliding Doors in moments like this. Even though I don't understand why, I think I make the choice I am ready to make at the time.  I think there are lessons in each choice even if they are very nuanced.  I don't like this as I wonder even now why I am making some of the choices I make.  But sometimes it helps me to think this way.

Your reflections on the thing you find yourself without resonate with me too.  I often ask myself what makes a life good. I get caught up in the markers people use - relationships, job, status, home, etc.  Yet, I find life to be good when I can be in the moment (which for me usually happens when I am outdoors or doing yoga) or when I can bring myself to the moment.  I find my life to be good when I consider the journey I've made and the things I have had to carry.  I find my life to be good when I find moments  to consider if I want to continue carrying those things. 

I appreciate the work you are doing.  I hope you find ease from your pain.