Difficult Co-Worker

[rainydiary]

I have one co-worker in particular that triggers me deeply. 

I have tried asking myself what it is about her that gets to me so much.  She makes me feel extremely small.  She is very tall as consorted to me and uses her size often when speaking to me. 

She also isn't honest.  She lies all the time and does so to deflect from herself.  I worry that others don't see this about her.  And I worry that they will believe lies she tells about me.  Another coworker of mine essentially told me last week that this person is talking about me behind my back.  While I'm not surprised and not as upset as I have been in the past, I am still very annoyed.

I'm not sure how to move forward with this person.  She clearly has issues and follows her own rules...which makes being constructive about this challenging.  I want to be professional and an adult and have a courageous conversation with her...and yet because she is the way she is it seems like that won't work. 

[Armadillo]

It's really tough since you have to work with her and I don't have advice about how to deal with that in the work place, but I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through. And just in case you might be in any way beating yourself up for not being able to "just deal with it" or not let her get to you? It really just isn't possible to be in a relationship of any sort with someone who lies to you or about you. Period. And yet you're stuck with her. Of course it is difficult and triggering.

I guess I wondered I'm writing this now, if something like this might work though? If you know what lies she is telling about you... maybe set up a performance review meeting with your boss. During that meeting let your boss know that you've heard some rumors about your performance and that you want to check in directly to get some honest feedback about whether there are issues with your performance that you could improve.

That way your boss is on notice that someone is spreading lies about you and you would have a chance to directly address any inaccuracies. You don't even need to name names or say they are lying. But that only works if your boss is reasonable, and of course depending on how badly triggered you are,  because sometimes we just can't have those conversations if it is too triggering.

So mostly just ugh!!!!! That really sucks and I wish you didn't need to work eith someone like that.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate your support and thoughts. That's a good idea to put out to others my perspective and seek feedback on my own.   

I honestly think that other people are aware of her tendencies.  They don't do anything to support me but I think they know.  And I think people in leadership positions would give me the benefit of the doubt.

The hardest part is that I do judge myself for how hard this is.  People don't see the moments where it is just me and her and she says stuff that no one else hears but me.  That is upsetting and triggering and abusive. 

I do believe I am doing the best I can given the situation.  I am extremely overwhelmed right now and it is harder to cope than usual.