Flashback / obsessive thoughts #tw

[Boatsetsailrose]

#TW
Hi I was taken under the mental health team 2+ yrs ago when I was.experiencing flashbacks from a domestic violence situation I witnessed as a young person . I was also thinking about ending life etc . The flashback symptoms then turned into the knife was cutting me on the wrists and down my body it was awful .
I did some work with the nurse around managing anxiety and the thoughts went away ... I did increase ssri too . When I got to see the psychologist 1yr + later I worked on more relational stuff . I did want to have emdr for the flashbacks  but it wasn't available .
Fast forward to last November and with the relapse of my physical health M.E / CFS I was bed bound for 5 wks .
My stress and anxiety was through the roof and the cutting thoughts started up again . First the wrists and then it has progressed to my throat .
I have absolutely no feeling  or intent to act on these thoughts , I feel utterly mortified that they are happening .
Some days they are so full.on like today and can make me feel sick and so very anxious . This morning I woke up in full anxiety . Other days they can be less but everyday they are there in some capacity . The feelings are v hard to tolerate .
I was going to put this post in the SH section but the point is I just don't feel they are SH thoughts even though they have similar theme ,,
Does that make sense ?
I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in just under 2 wks and I really want to know what these thoughts fit into .
Am I in a  permanent flashback ?
Is it along the lines of harm OCD ?
Why do.the thoughts hurt me when I don't want to hurt myself ?
They can increase if I am extra stressed but similarly they can start up when I am having calmer periods .
I feel distressed because I don't know how to quantify what is going on with me ? It doesn't seem to be fitting in a particular box for me to get a handle on it ...
If I can know then I can start to find the way out ...at the minute it just seems so confusing ...
Any experience / knowledge I'd appreciate ...
Thanks

[Eidolon]

Hi Boatsetsailrose, that sounds a little bit like maladaptive daydreaming and suicidal ideation. The flashback won't last forever, even if it feels like it. Full flight or fight response being activated may have something to do with subconscious factors. Are there things in your environment you find triggering in particular? People that move or talk in a similar way to the abuser? All things to consider- I really hope you get the care you need. You may also be experiencing physical flashbacks.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks for.reply eidolon
What is maladaptive daydreaming ?
No nothing in my environment it's peaceful here ...

[Eidolon]

Thanks for.reply eidolon
What is maladaptive daydreaming ?
No nothing in my environment it's peaceful here ...

Maladaptive Daydreaming is like regular daydreaming except nightmarish- it can last for hours or longer, sometimes with physical symptoms or noises and smells (that seems to be what you're describing with the cutting, I think?) Things you'd never do but obsess over as a result of the trauma can be part of it. It might not be that, but obsessing over/replaying trauma in your head is actually common from what I know. https://health.arizona.edu/common-reactions-trauma-and-how-cope here's an article on trauma- sometimes people relive the trauma instead of avoiding it. I hope I helped some.

[Jazzy]

I'm really sorry to hear you are stuck dealing with this. It sounds extremely frustrating and unwelcome.

I know the term "suicidal ideations", like Eidolon said... which is when you have ideas of suicide, but no intent or plans to act on them. I used to have this a lot, but it has faded as my mental health improved. Sometimes I still have violent ideations though, which is really sad. I really don't know why, but I'd like to, so if you learn anything, please let us know.

I think Eidolon makes a good point about "subconscious factors". Even if you don't feel triggered, maybe there's something you could do to relieve some stress. Maybe some minor sedatives to help with the anxiety, if that's an option for you? A lot of time anxiety gets overlooked, because it tends to be more chronic than acute, but it is still has a very big impact on us.

I hope you feel better soon, and can work something out with psychiatrist. Even if you can't tell them exactly what box it fits in to, hopefully they can help if you explain what you're thinking and feeling.

[Not Alone]

My understanding is that there are many possible reasons for having thoughts/desires for SI. For me, I think the main reasons for those thoughts have been: 1) a relief from emotional pain, 2) me causing the pain gives me the control that I didn't have when others caused pain. From what you wrote, that might not fit what you are experiencing, but thought I'd share my experience in case it helps.

What you are experiencing sounds confusing and scary.

[Kizzie]

First let me say I am so so sorry you are going through this Boats and as always I wish we could do more than send cyber hugs and typed support.  A real hug or arm around your shoulders would go a lot further. 

FWIW as a fellow survivor and not a psychologist, I agree with Notalone that it may be a way of gaining a degree of control over a horrifying incident you had no control over at the time. These mental gymnastics are so hard I know, but we do have to twist and turn to survive trauma and you may be getting ready to deal with it full on but aren't quite there just yet.  The memory seems to want out but it's a terrible one thus the gymnastics perhaps?

Maybe it's also a way of stopping what actually happened to someone else by seeing it happening to you?  That's a bit of a shot in the dark I realize but there be a grain of truth to it.  It's akin to how we tend to turn the abuse on ourselves rather than those we depend on who abused us - gets us through.

Whatever the case Boats I hope the psych is able to help you figure it out