Terrified by my job

[Snookiebookie2]

Each Monday when I log on to work from home, I genuinely feel scared. Scared at what I will find in my inbox.  The same fear is there on the other mornings, but not as bad.

I'm scared that there'll be problems.   Mistakes.  But underneath that I scared people will be angry at me.  That they will disapprove of me and think I'm useless.

Experience and time has shown that Im not really in danger of being sacked.   But that doesn't mean I will not get into difficulties and have problems.   I've trained myself and I'm still on a learning curve.  I've not had much in the way of supervision or guidance.  It's quite a difficult job that can be technical and involves money.  But I'm still sure that none of this will help. I still fear being thrown under the bus.

Essentially this is an extended emotional flashback.   First to my dad who never approved and always criticized me.  I'm still that 6 year old who was bottom of the class.

Then it's my mum, who had high standards I never matched.  But her standard were mainly appearance based, clothes and looks etc. She never considered being kind or caring important.  Or persistent.  Or clever. Etc.  I just wasn't good enough in what she judged important and what I valued didn't matter.

It's a flashback to previous jobs too.  Where I would work hard and be overlooked for promotion.   Or a job I had where I was so keen to please that I overstretched myself and made mistakes or missed something and there was no compassion shown. Or a job whete people ganged together to lie to me and made out I was lying or misunderstood the situation.   It reminds me of people pushing tasks on to me and letting me know they thought I would mess it up or I was incapable of even doing the task they were giving me!

So I know what it is.  I know the baggage I'm carrying.   I also know what my employers have done wrong.  Both my bosses have ignored enails from me.  And both are aware of my anxiety.   My head boss had pushed me away and refused to deal with me on several occasions.   I've dealt with sticky situations that I've inherited and he has literally told me he's too busy to read my emails.  I pushed for meetings only for him to disinterested and then very offhand and rude. Then he's suspended them for months at a time. 

The result of all this is that it triggers my perfectionism and shame.  I have low self esteem  and crave approval which makes feel pathetic.  This launches a vicious inner critic to compare me.  And the resulting emotional pain is intense.

I have severe back pain that I'm waiting treatment on.  This is now manifesting as abdominal pain.  I suspect its caused by the deep emotional pain I'm experiencing.

I don't have a large circle of friends and I have got to the stage where I allow myself to avoid events for the sake of my social anxiety.   So one of the few triggers is work.  Even though I work from home for 4-5 hours a day it's still extremely triggering.

I am looking for another job, but due to the pandemic this is more difficult than usual.   However I have always struggled in whatever job I have had. I am still me, with my same past and same issues. I do accept that this role is particularly bad for my emotional and mental health through.

They are recruiting for a new member of staff who will be my new direct supervisor.   This could be a good thing, but also could cause me problems if they're not supportive and are judgemental.

I'm just so fed up of this emotional turmoil.   I often cry over my job and bottle up feelings.  I just wanted to record how unhappy I felt over it.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this, Snookie.
I recognise what you're saying. Both the fear, and also the knowledge in the back of your mind that leaving probably isn't really a solution, since you always bring yourself. I've been especially aware of that lately, and thinking that I should really deal with those issues now if I ever want them to stop getting in the way over and over again...but pff. It's so daunting and tiring.
I don't really have anything helpful to offer at the moment. Just acknowledgement.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi snookiebookie, I'm sorry you feel this way, I wanted to write here because I've often felt that way about work. Every Sunday evening for years I would feel sick to my stomach and would get intestinal trouble, all down to my nerves.

It sounds like you don't have the most supportive environment there. If my boss were ignoring my emails I would certainly be upset and probably end up triggered too.

Good luck with your search for another job and know that while this is a part of you (and me) you deserve a work environment where you're supported, whatever your needs.

Best wishes,
s&B

[Bella]

Hi Snookiebookie2!
I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, and understand your frustration and anxiety about work. Having to face anything being so triggering on a regular basis is so tough! I've had a lot of different jobs, never feeling I could do what perceived expected of me. Always tense, anxious, on edge, when it comes to other people's opinion about my performance. I've been ill now for 5 years and haven't been able to work. Just thinking about work makes me nauseous and fatigued.
I totally get what you are saying.
Sending you a hug (if that's ok with you), you are not alone in this.

[FlushDraw]

My heart goes out to you so much. Ever since I was a kid, I've been a perfectionist and took longer to do things than other kids because of it. I would get made fun of and bullied, told I was stupid for not keeping up. That negativity has stretched into the present. I'm 41 now. I got my dream job at a research library that happened to be in a bad part of town and attracted a lot of scary situations. It got to where my hypervigilance and anxiety affected my work so much I had to quit. I still feel so many negative emotions from that: cowardice, inadequacy, and just plain self-hate. I'm looking past those emotions now for the first time and realizing that I'm not a coward or stupid. The trick is to remember you're safe, you'll be safe after whatever happens happens, and that nobody is owed an explanation about why you feel the way you feel. I'm cheering for you!