New scenario brought up the past

[Oz]

 My situation with my young son and his mother has brought up such immense feelings that I can't deal with and had to self medicate. It was rage and grief, hatred and hopelessness, Ive got in touch with my low self esteem that's always been covered up in bravado, I tried to feel through it but it just didn't get easier, I'm now going to try to ease into it again.
I realize now my hatred, rage and lack of freedom are being transferred from my mother onto my ex, I never realized I hated her so much and that my feelings of loss at my son moving away are from my own abandonment.
It's just so much at once, the feelings are terrifying and I'm triggered by the mere thought of my ex and what she might do next.
The only silver lining is that I know this is a re enactment that I have to grow from. It's so strange how these situations arise in the present so that we can look at and feel the past.

[Armadillo]

That's sounds really heartbreaking, Oz. And like it would be a difficult situation for any parent even without past traumatization. It's ok that you dealt with it by self medicating. We all lapse into the old patterns of coping and slowly learn to rely on those less as we get stronger in other ways. I can relate very much to how difficult it is when a present day situation mimics past trauma so that you are dealing with both an old trauma and fresh trauma that reinforces eachother, and I think many on here can and do face this regularly.

For me, that experience knocked me out for a solid few years but each new scenario built up my strength and ability to deal with it in a healthier way, WITH lots of support from therapist and loved ones.