Drowning SOS - TW

[Windflower]

Hey fellow fighters. I'm just gonna throw this all out there to see if anyone has any insight for me. I'm drowning, overwhelmed... kinda terrified.

I have always suspected I was molested by my father. But life growing up was so stressful and impossibly chaotic I could never safely face it. There were things I knew about - graphic things - before I knew about sex. I always related to stories of kids who'd been through that more than any other form of abuse. My dad is a frickin creep, was always extremely possessive of me, seductive and sexual in how he spoke to me - even and especially when I was little. I could go on for pages and pages of evidence supporting it. Always have had serious issues with suicidal ideation and sh. Since I was at least 7.

Fast forward to a month ago. I'd finally found a resource that actually helped me substantially and I was doing ok for the first time ever. Feeling safe, ok with myself and being here. Then I read a book and there was a scene detailing sexual abuse and that night I had this surge of what I guess are body memories. Won't get too graphic but it was horrifying. I didn't go looking for it. It just surged up in me. And has continued to do so over the past month through today. Things I'm remembering, details, certainty that it was my father because who else had that much access to me and he fits the picture so so well.

(For reference, I'm 24, it happened over a period of time until I was 7 or 8 I believe.)

I've decided to cut ties completely with my family. Their whole existence through extended family even is absolutely corrupt to its core. I want out. I have people helping me get out safely because my dad will track me down via any means necessary. I know it sounds stupid and crazy but I do not want to take him to court. I want people to be warned he's dangerous to leave their kids with (and they plan to do that) but I cannot mentally handle a court battle. I can't spend any time with him without becoming a real risk to myself. I just want out and to start over completely. I'm leaving my job, moving a couple hours away, changing my number. Reaching out to the authorities to see if I should go so far as to change my name.

But here's what I'm being plagued by.

The memories of course... every time more comes up it just knocks me down. Cannot stop throwing up all the time. I can hardly work. It's coming gradually but more every day and it's so hard. But it's not like this crystal clear storyline where I can just see it all like a movie. For one thing the room was dim. For another I was pretty doggone little and didn't understand what was happening. So I feel like my lack of clarity makes it less believable. And I think I'm just afraid to accuse him of something so awful but everyone I'm talking to just keeps pointing to all the evidence and how well he fits the picture and could've absolutely done that. So I think there's this hardwired part of me that feels this need to protect him. Ugh. But I don't want to be an idiot and say it s all true if it should be clearer?? Please share your thoughts. So many decisions to make in such a short period of time and I am so overwhelmed.

[saylor]

Hi Windflower,

I'm not sure if you want advice (I don't really have any, unfortunately), but I wanted to let you know that I can understand why you're experiencing such turmoil. I do believe that we sometimes repress memories to where they're not consciously accessible and yet we'll be triggered by certain things associated with the buried traumatic memory, and that could be why you're experiencing the somatic sensations you've described. In my case, I have very little recall of events before about 6 years old, and I sometimes wonder what all that monster (my F) might have done to me that I don't consciously remember from those very early years. In later years, I have clear recollections of PA, EA, &, CSA (plus my older sibling has talked about abuse they were already receiving by the time I was born), so why should I doubt that he also did things to me before age 6 that I don't currently recall? Furthermore, I've noticed that I have some triggers whose sources I can't explain right now, which also makes me think some additional stuff happened that I don't currently consciously recall. And let's not forget that very traumatizing events can trigger dissociative amnesia, which would be the basis for repressed memories

I know that there's been debate over the years over the validity (including in court cases) of recovered memories. Not sure where the debate stands these days. Personally, back when I might have taken my F (or, after he died, his estate) to court, I ended up deciding not to pursue because I knew how hopeless it would be for me to try to prove stuff that I clearly recall actually happened (let alone attempt to prove any events resulting in repressed memories actually happened). I couldn't begin to imagine the invalidation I'd have to fight, and invalidation is extremely triggering to me. So I've never even seriously considered trying to get justice through the legal system. I'll always feel sick that he never got held accountable (especially given the toll that decades of CPTSD has taken on my life), but I defaulted to the lesser of 2 evils: not pursuing legal action, based on my joint calculations of emotional toll and likelihood of a healing outcome. Then again, my last chance for attempting to get "justice" in court would have been a couple decades ago. There's now more awareness of the widespread occurrence of CSA and its aftermath, than ever... so the situation now probably isn't as dire as when I might've tried it.

Not sure how helpful that was (or even if it's what you were looking for). Like I said, I don't have any advice. I can understand how you feel, though. I hope you can figure out how to proceed in a way that best contributes to your healing and general well-being

[Windflower]

Thank you saylor. That is a comfort to know it's understandable from outside my own head. Thank you for sharing your own experience, it makes a lot of sense why you didn't want to pursue legal action either.

[Not Alone]

Everything that you said makes sense to me. My therapists have told me that trauma memories often are in pieces, not like a video. I'm sorry you are experiencing awful memories and such intense pain right now.

[CactusFlower]

I'm sorry this is hard and sucks right now for you. You are not alone.  And yes, it made sense. My therapist says the same thing as notalone's, that the memories aren't often continuous and comprehensive. There's a part of me that would love some legal revenge, too, but it's not at all feasible. I haven't seen my male parental unit since 1988 and have no idea where he is or if he's even alive. (he'd be 70 now.) The best I can do is to know that I did not deserve what happened, he was wrong, and I am now starting to heal and I survived. Those last two, I personally count as "I win." Thank you for sharing with us.

As an aside and having worked in healthcare for 25+ years, if the throwing up is very frequent, have you spoken to a provider about a possible anti-emetic? Just a thought, might help the esophagus and all unless it comes on too sudden to take anything. These issues are so connected to our physical health, aren't they?  I wish you respite from that, it's an awful feeling.

Sage

[Windflower]

Thanks not alone and cactus flower. It's good to know that's typical of traumatic memory. An anti emetic might be worth a try but often times it is much too sudden to take anything but it's worth a shot. It makes it so hard to function in public.

[Alder]

Just to say I empathize. I have a similar story -- I also had memories of incest that came back later in pieces, and I went no-contact with my parents when I started to understand what they did. You say it's not a crystal clear storyline, and that's exactly how memories feel. You're not alone.

I'm sorry about the pain you're going through. Strength to you.