Upcoming Visit from In-laws

[rainydiary]

I have known for a while that my in-laws were coming to visit and until today had absolutely no intention of joining the visit (as it is occurring in a town I don't live in but is in the state my husband and I live in).

I have not seen my in-laws in about a year and half.  The last time I saw them was the week my brother my in law.  The last time I saw them I hadn't really acknowledged my abusive past and acknowledged my CPTSD.  The last time I saw them I was in a very different place in my life.  And yet, this evening I went into a huge meltdown and EF as I will now be going on this visit.

I tried talking to my husband about this visit about a month ago.  I wanted to him to share what he needed from me during this time.  I could care less what his parents and siblings want or think...but I care what he wants and thinks.  My perception is that he blew off that conversation so I let it go. 

The past two weeks he has brought the trip up multiple times.  Each time I reminded him that I still have to work and am adhering a training schedule that will make a trip out of town difficult.  Well tonight he really laid the guilt on and I caved.  I also did not really hold back how this made me feel. 

And yet I am feeling very low as well as angry right now.  I feel I have the right to say no to spending extended time with his family.  He wants me to go (which he won't admit) to have an excuse to not be around them.  When I say I'm not going he throws at me how I am avoiding his family (you bet I am).  Yet it is not how he feels.  He is reflecting how the collective enmeshed unit feels. 

He has never asked me Why I don't want to be around them.  I shared some of my why with him anyways tonight: despite the fact that we are all adults, the plan is for 7 adults and one toddler to share a cabin.  I am not clear on the layout of the cabin but my instinct screams NOOOO at this (when I am present my husband and I will have our own cabin).  When we are all together, the entire trip will be everyone arguing.  Not enjoying, but arguing.  My question is what is the point?

I feel upset with myself.  I want to support my husband but he does not talk to me about what he needs.  I feel I have shared what I need.  And when his family is here the focus is on making people who can't be pleased happy. 

I do not know how I am going to get through the next two weeks without being extremely cold toward him.  As part of my healing I realize how our attachment styles are playing a role.  I was just starting to feel more secure in my attachment to him and this happened.  My deepest fear is that if his parents said "Leave her" he would.  He has not ever clearly chosen our relationship and marriage over his FOO. 

[Hope67]

  Hope that you are ok during this time, as I know it's a stressful and potentially triggering time for you. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Hope.   

[rainydiary]

I wanted to come back to this to reflect now that the visit is over.

What I noticed:

1. I am holding onto old patterns and made myself more anxious about this trip that I needed to.  All I have to do is show my face.  They do not give a crap about interacting with me.  They only care about themselves and trying to manipulate everyone around them.  That is why I don't like being around them...and yet I have grown so much that I can remove myself from it better than I did in the past.  A wiser version of myself is now here and I don't have to worry so much about how my past self managed. 

2. Despite all the stuff they've been through the past year and more, my in-laws have not changed one bit.  That made me feel sad for them but also helped me see that I am healthier and not as impacted by them. 

3. My SIL's child is out of control due to lack of boundaries.  This is the one part that was hardest for me on this trip.  My SIL is not a parent but refers to her child as her "best friend" and it is all just unhealthy.  The child is now 3 and I am honestly concerned about her communication development and behavior which are heavily impacted by being raised in an enmeshed family that lacks boundaries.  I choose to stay out of it but grieve that this child is in the situation she is in. 

4. I felt more connected to my husband during this trip than I have in a long time.  Slowly but surely I think he is facing the truth of his family's behavior and he set boundaries with them that surprised me.  Their response to his boundaries was not pleasant but he followed through.  He is still stuck in their web but I hope that if I can manage my own triggers in their presence then I can support him more and he isn't as easily able to ignore how they act. 

Overall I feel proud of how I handled the trip.  I still don't want to see them anymore but think I could handle myself in the future in a way that doesn't increase the drama.