Self Identification [TW alcoholism/addiction]

[Jazzy]

One thing I've changed, which has really helped me (though it is only one piece of the puzzle) is how I identify myself. I'll explain in detail below for those who would like to read more about it, but the core concept is that Identifying myself as a problem was a problem! It was hurtful and unhealthy. So now, I try to identify myself, and others, primarily by name.

The core concept seems pretty fundamental to me, but unfortunately, I was taught by example that identifying myself as a problem was a good thing to do. I've noticed that society in general tends to use labels because it is easier than realizing a person is a complex living being with many factors. Not everything needs to be taken in to consideration every time, but I believe that when these labels start identifying people as problems, they become hurtful.

Even worse, I was taught that identifying myself as a problem was a good way to heal. In my experience, this is the complete opposite of the truth. One of the best things I've ever done for myself was to stop identifying as a problem, but as a person who had behaviour that could be improved. Making that distinction was an important first step towards changing the behaviours I didn't approve of.

Here's an example of something I used to say quite regularly:
"Hi, my name is Jazzy, and I'm an alcoholic."

This is so horrible! I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a wounded person who has learned that I can feel a little bit better (or at least less worse) by drinking alcohol. How was I supposed to stop drinking, while calling myself an alcoholic all the time? Judging myself like that was the opposite of what I needed to do, which was to find healthier ways to help me feel better, which I could then substitute for the alcohol. Yes, there's more to addiction than this, but this is a key point. Judging myself like that on a regular basis, especially with having other people respond positively to that judgment was completely disastrous for me.

A less extreme example like "I'm such an idiot.", follows the same general principle. Now, instead of getting upset because I didn't remember something, or didn't figure something out, I take a minute to try to understand why. Most of the time, it is because my mind isn't working optimally. Instead of getting upset and judging myself, I can look in to what the problem is, so that I do better in the future. When I kept telling myself I was an idiot all of the time, it was practically impossible for me to understand the underlying problem, then figure out a solution.

I'm much more than any one label, and everyone else is too! None of us are problems. If our behaviour causes problems, then that is something to be looked in to, but we are so much more than our behaviour. I am Jazzy. Jazzy is a great label, because it fits perfectly and without judgment, and is very compact considering how much it covers!

[Armadillo]

Wow. This is super helpful to me Jazzy. This will give me a ton to think about as I needed to take on the blame for everything and need to label myself as bad stupid etc. And what a great point about the AA statement!

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate you sharing this as it has been something I've been thinking about too. 

I think that labels can help us understand our experiences yet also can be difficult to capture the complexities of being human. 

I've always struggled with my identity and of late have been bringing attention to the words I use to describe myself.  Those words are important and powerful. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you for sharing that , Jazzy, very insightful.

I've been trying to change my labels as well. It was interesting to realize how much I actually would say "I'm a bad person" when I gave in and ate that dessert or whatever. Now I consciously try to say instead, "It might not be a healthy choice, but I am choosing it right now." It does make it easier to choose differently.

I know AA works for a lot of people, but that's something I've always wondered about it, is how so many people can succeed while basically defining themselves as what they seem like always being one step away from. I don't know if that made sense. It always looked like trying to cross a crumbling ledge slowly while constantly saying, "well, I didn't fall into the lava today." But it does work. My BFF is over 30 years sober now.

[Blueberry]

The 12 Steps work for some people, maybe even for many. Idk. They didn't for me in the long-term, but I don't equate that with the self-identification: "I'm addicted to food", "I'm an incest survivor" etc. Obviously other people do, so valid point.

But I get the "I'm such an idiot" etc. I trained myself out of that. My T also suggested I shouldn't say things like "I'm the family scapegoat" despite it being true in my childhood and later. The problem is that in so doing I'm repeating the emotional/verbal abuse done to me and continuing to see myself through the eyes of FOO. Also simply reinforcing in some part of my brain even if it's "just" on some intellectual level.  Presumably I could say "I was treated as scapegoat" or "I get scapegoated" if I really need to talk about it.

[Jazzy]

I'm really encouraged to read all the feedback here, and that other people are connecting with this topic. Thank you for sharing everyone! There's a lot of wisdom in all of the replies, and its great to see others improving as well! 

12 step programs do work for some people, and other methods work for some as well. I think, for the most part, it is because the sense of community, relation, safety, being welcomed etc. helps to alleviate a lot of underlying problems, although I'm sure there is more as well. While there is some good with them I still think my point about it being hurtful and damaging to identify yourself as a problem regularly is valid, and they're not good enough for everybody (me). This is actually a very important topic to me, perhaps it deserves its own thread.

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Blueberry, your point about "I'm the family scapegoat" is interesting to me. I think that's a lot more complex, because it's not just you identifying yourself as something, it's you identifying how others treat you. I think that's a slight but important difference. "I get scapegoated" seems like a good way to phrase it. I might also say something like "I'm a scapegoat to my family", though I feel like some positivity would be helpful there too. "I'm a scapegoat to my family, but I'm a support to my students"... something like that? I don't know. Of course, whatever is best for you is best for you! My intention is to figure out how I can best apply this idea in my own life. Thank you for bringing this up! 

[CactusFlower]

FYI, My therapist shared with me something called the "16 steps to self-empowerment" several weeks ago. it was basically designed as an alternative to the various discriminatory factors that can be found in some AA groups and is much more self-affirming, addresses complexity, and positive. I liked it for the broader definition of "higher power" as I have issues with that term, personally.  I don't have a substance abuse issue, but I wrote these down anyway just because they were so... I don't know. closer to what I believed.  Anyhoo, here's a link.  https://charlottekasl.com/16-step-program/ 

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, your point about "I'm the family scapegoat" is interesting to me. I think that's a lot more complex, because it's not just you identifying yourself as something, it's you identifying how others treat you. I think that's a slight but important difference. "I get scapegoated" seems like a good way to phrase it. I might also say something like "I'm a scapegoat to my family", though I feel like some positivity would be helpful there too. "I'm a scapegoat to my family, but I'm a support to my students"... something like that?

Yes, you're right it is more complex.
Though the point my T was making is that repeating "I'm a scapegoat" with whatever additions or no additions means I'm repeating the message of FOO to myself and getting it even further entrenched in my brain, whereas "I get scapegoated" is not I=Scapegoat. From what I know of language-learning and teaching, it's makes sense. Don't read students' sentences with mistakes out loud, especially not repeatedly. Read the correct sentence out loud. Otherwise the mistakes get stuck even further in the student's brain than they already are.   

[Jazzy]

Blueberry, I'm sorry your family has been so hurtful to you, and I'm sorry I didn't get that point in your previous message. It's clear to me now that my concern was misplaced in this case.  of apology and care, if it is positive for you!