New member intro (TW emotional abuse, gaslighting)

[mgn2021]

Hi all,

I've been lurking for a while but I'm trying to dip my toes into the waters of community.

[TW]

I developed CPTSD for several reasons. First, because my stepfather, my primary caregiver as a child, was/is an emotionally abusive parent. He would scream, belittle us, guilt us and manipulate us (my brother and I). That part is pretty simple to understand. The second layer, the one that I struggle the most, with is my mother's response, which I am starting to believe may have been more damaging. She either outright ignored me when I told her about this treatment, told me not to "let it bother me", that I should be grateful, and generally made me feel like it was my fault for being impacted or "setting him off". She ignored episodes of emotional violence as they were actively going on, even (as in a recent visit home) when I worried it might spill over into physical violence. I suffered immensely with symptoms of mental illness for years without her paying the slightest mind and dismissing me constantly.

[end TW]

In terms of my current situation, I'm in my late 20s, married, I have a career that I love and a partner who loves me and has been patient through my ups and downs. I've had a number of diagnoses over the years, from OCD to depression to anxiety to ADD. All of them reflect my symptoms in part, but I only recently got diagnosed formally with CPTSD. I am in therapy with a great therapist, undergoing EMDR, on a good balance of medication and generally committed to the path of getting well. My childhood best friend of 16 years had a similar experience and now also suffers from CPTSD, so we are good supports for each other (ironically, being so close is part of what kept us from realizing how screwed up our situations were, since we just thought it was normal). I would just like to have some more community, especially others with living parents (as hers are not) who they still have a relationship with.

Some of the biggest issues I deal with now are:

-Difficulty connecting with my partner
-Fear of intimacy
-Tendency to self-isolate
-Memory gaps and extremely poor recall
-Guilt over having needs or asking my partner for anything
-Boundaries in my relationship with both my mother and stepfather; we can now be around each other and I don't worry about those above behaviors going on, even when I'm visiting in their home. However, my brother still lives at home and suffers from the same treatment, so it can be hard for me to go home and see that happening to him. I don't want to cut them off, but I'm still figuring out how to negotiate it and have a relationship w/ them in a way that's healthy for me.

[TW for Moms]

-My mother; she recently was diagnosed w/ PTSD herself and is going through a process of healing that I'm very proud of. We have a good relationship now that I'm an adult and don't live in her house anymore. What I struggle with w/ her is that I wonder if she's ever going to reckon, as she goes through this healing, with how she contributed to my damage. She still does a lot of these same things - [specific TW for weight comments] for instance, I said something to her recently about my brother's poor self-esteem and how he absorbed a lot of negative body image messages from my stepfather, and she responded, "well who would listen to him about their weight?" (I was pretty proud of myself for looking her in the eye and saying "A CHILD" - sad but true!) [end specific TW] Just one example, sadly... On the other hand, she's made some comments to me about regretting "letting things be that way" when I was growing up (far from an apology, but a tiny baby step of acknowledgement), while she also continues to "let things be that way" with my brother who is grown but not yet out of the house. She's also in denial about her own mistreatment at his hands, and that's hard for me on two levels - watching someone you love accept less than what they deserve, and knowing that she coerced me into accepting that standard for myself.

Figuring out my relationship with her, how to cope with the steps forward and back of her healing as they affect me (and working in therapy to learn to manage my triggers, so that when she repeats these same behaviors they don't upset me so much) and not tying my healing to her acknowledgement are big tasks for me right now. [end TW]

Overall, I'd just like to have some community with those who can identify with my situation, and to learn from the accumulated wisdom of others with similar experiences. I don't know how much I'll post, but it's been nice to have this space to remind myself I'm not alone, that what happened to me was real, and that it matters.

-M

[zanzoken]

Welcome mgn2021.

I am sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your step-father and mother.  Unfortunately such stories are all too common, but at least you'll find many of us here who understand how you feel.  Trauma seems to affect everyone a little differently but the issues you've described are not unusual.  I deal with many of them myself and I know others here do too.

It's good that you received a proper CPTSD diagnosis and found a good therapist.  Learning to heal and manage our lives isn't easy, but it sounds like you are well on your way.  Hopefully this community will be able to augment the real-life support structure you have in place.

Glad you're here and I wish you all the best in your continued recovery.

[Kizzie]

I also want to welcome you to OOTS mgn2021.      I'm sorry for all that you have gone through and continue to struggle with. 

Along with your friend, H and therapist, I hope being here is another source of insight, support and encouragement for you as you work on recovering/healing.   

[Armee]

Welcome mgn2021. I hope you'll feel comfortable and find the understanding and support you deserve here.

[Hope67]

Hi mgn2021,
Welcome


Hope