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[Dante]

Hello, I'm not sure where to start (either in this forum, or in introducing myself).  I hope this isn't too long - saw that posts should not be too long, so I tried to be as brief as I could.

My childhood was one of neglect and contempt, though I was not physically abused.  My mother is a narcissist who is very manipulative and charming but very destructive.  My father was almost entirely absent and always disappointed in me (whether I failed or succeeded in a way that didn't mesh with his world view).  We made a few repair attempts before he passed away 5 years ago, but I don't know that the dynamic changed a lot (our last conversation was a disagreement).   I think I have memories of being sexually abused by a neighbor, but when I asked my mother about it, she laughed it off, so I'm not sure if those memories are real or manufactured.

Growing up in my house was hard, particularly trying to develop a sense of who I was (I still sometimes am not sure).  I got into trouble occasionally, but got very good at avoiding being caught because I was terrified of authority.  I developed a number of unhealthy ways to deal with my stress, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and a host of other stuff.  Have been on various antidepressants that really didn't help and for a long time gave up hope.  I've known for at least 25 years that I see the world through a cloudy fog (which I now recognize as disassociation), and I have patchy, disconnected memories of most of my life (for example, I can remember "A" happened and "B" happened, but not that "A" and "B" happened at the same time).  I have strong emotional flashbacks - of things both bad and occasionally good - that drive me to do things obsessively to try to relieve or relive (pun indented) the past.  Suffice to say that I can't really explain anything except that thread of my life has been a tangled knot.

Last summer, I came across a book about someone who grew up with a parent with PTSD from the Vietnam War.  In the book, she described her experience growing up and the things it drove her to (one that I recall was putting on a bandage so people would ask her what happened - yep, I remember doing that).  Although that book didn't introduce me to CPTSD, it did introduce me to the idea that PTSD is generational.  I suspect my father had PTSD or CPTSD, and though neither of my parents drank, I'm the grandchild and relative of a whole host of mean alcoholics.  After that, I started researching CPTSD and first the first time in my life felt some relief at being able to point a name to my experience.  I haven't been formally diagnosed (not for lack of trying, I saw two different therapists who smartly informed me that they didn't like labeling their patients because it just enabled them and that I just needed to think more positive).  For me, putting a name to something unnameable that has so malevolently driven my life is empowering.  I don't want to live the label or be a victim, I just want to know what the problem is so I can try to heal.

All I really want out of life is some relief from the past and some peace.  I want to be a good father, husband, employee and to figure out who I really am, because I've spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't, which was normal and OK.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Dante 

I related to so much that you wrote (eg knowing finally that you suffer from CPTSD provides relief and a focus, childhood being a tangled knot,  some memory issues & lots of dissociation ...). 

You're in the right place as we do get it and you're free and welcome to talk about CPTSD and focus on recovery/healing.

None of us want to live the label or be a victim, we want to deal with the legacy of trauma and go on to live a better, more peaceful and happy life.  I hope you're able to find some help, info and support here to do that too.

[woodsgnome]

  Welcome to this group, Dante. As you've discovered, there's quite a few components to this site, ranging from background articles, references and reviews, as well as the more topical forum discussions.

You're like many -- you know something in your life slid off the rails, and would like to repair what you can. The therapists who eschewed any form of labelling and then proceeded to pin their own label of depression on everything were, I don't know, lazy is the best term that comes to mind. Sadly, it seems like that's too typical of the current therapeutic profession.

Yet your curiosity remains high; and mostly your hope that you can get a handle not just on what went wrong, but what you can do about it now. I think you'll find that's how many on this forum feel about these steep challenges to their lives.

I tend to think in terms of metaphors and symbols for lots of things. Here's how I picture the OOTS forum -- I see it as a circle of long-lost friends who've found each other and wish to help each other and/or learn how to handle the shock of their lives. It's like the old 'native' tribal circles -- where a group would sit in a circle and the speaker held a 'talking stick' and was the only speaker, and -- most importantly -- was LISTENED to. Then others might (or might not) respond as the spirit moves them, as honestly and caring as they can.

So feel free to wander in wherever you feel your heart wants to take you. And, again, Welcome.   

[bluepalm]

Hello Dante, and a warm welcome to this gentle and caring community on OOTS. I'm glad you have found us.

Your wonderfully well articulated introduction resonated strongly with me too. The neglect and contempt, the 'patchy, disconnected memories of most of my life', 'trying to develop a sense of who I was (I still sometimes am not sure)', and the thread of your life being a 'tangled knot'.

I share your relief at identifying a 'name' for what has 'so malevolently driven' your life. The wish to understand what happened to me has been, and continues to be, at the emotional centre of my entire life (and I'm now 73 years old). I discovered and started learning about the concept of complex CPTSD about 5 years ago and the understanding that has brought me has enabled me to make qualitative changes in my life. I'm still working every day to increase my understanding and to deal with the consequences of trauma that started in infancy, but I now have a framework for my struggles, access to research and books (like the first one I read with such relief - Bessel van der Kolk's 'The Body Keeps the Score') and a meaningful connection with others around the world through this forum.

I feel angry on your behalf when you describe how 'I saw two different therapists who smartly informed me that they didn't like labeling their patients because it just enabled them and that I just needed to think more positive)'.  This attitude is useless for (and indeed contemptuous of) those of us who are struggling to heal shattered lives. That said, without the patient and caring help of a number of therapists I would not be here today. I've learnt to keep searching until I find someone who can genuinely listen, relate and help me to heal.

I share your wish; 'All I really want out of life is some relief from the past and some peace.' May I give you hope by assuring you that, over recent years, since I've identified a 'name' for what ails me, I've achieved significant relief and peace.  Sharing my thoughts and learning from others on this forum have been central to that.

bluepalm

P.S. In Australia the centre of excellence for complex PTSD is named the 'Blue Knot Foundation', maybe in recognition that the threads of many lives affected by complex trauma are like tangled knots, imbued with sadness.

[Dante]

Thank you, Kizzie for making me feel welcome.  Thank you woodsgnome, for sharing your view as something ironically is something I really relate to (religion is its own thing for me, as I read it is for many on here, but despite that I still believe in something not unlike the First Nations' concept of the Great Mystery, which your post made me think of).  Thank you, bluepalm for your protective anger.  I have not often had that in my life.

I'm 50 years old and just learning about this, but it's the first time anything has ever made sense.  I found this site almost a year ago, but it's taken me this long to get up the courage to post.  I have been told and believed for so long that how I felt and what wanted didn't matter that I eventually taught myself it didn't matter.  And I've been disregarded for so long that I was afraid I would be once again.  Thank you all for this safe place.  I hope to learn to find my voice here and to one day soon be in a place where I can tell others there is healing here and welcome them.

[Kizzie]