Dropping Everyone Like Flies

[Phoebes]

Ok, so, TWO people I am having trouble just accepting and just "ignoring" in my life. And I don't know if I should just distance and give as little attention as possible, or run for the hills.

I feel like I have totally dropped people in the past several years. In one way, I feel like with my lack of awareness for so long, I've attracted and accepted/allowed narcissistic behavior into my life. So now that I know better, it's the natural consequence that I am repulsed by them.

But, I real ABOOUT narcissists and how they push everyone away, and question, is that what I'm doing? No one is perfect! (Pet peeve saying of my mom). Here's what I'm dealing with:

"Landmate" is total know-it all hoarder. This is someone who I long considered a "good friend." I am renting their back house in what is a very desirable spot- I am the envy of all who find this out. I know I have a great situation and affordable price, which is very hard to come by here. I have it made, and I know it! Ok, but, he is the property owner and lives in the front house, and it's becoming more and more apparent that he is not at all concerned with my living conditions, experience, or the way he talks to me. He is becoming a grumpy old man who's first concern is knowing everything and being right. He talks my ear off, and as soon as I begin responding he looks at his watch and says he has to go. But then, when I say ok and start walking away, he starts the monologue again. He complains about the girlfriends who drop him like a hot potato, but come to find out he is treating them like he talks to me. I could go on and on. I'm just realizing this was never a deeper friendship and I am the only sucker in his realm! I'm expected to be sure and not "break" the AC (by using it too much) because it's lasted 30 years and never broke  (it's over 100 degrees where we live). Part of me wants to run away.  But then, I don't cross paths with him THAT much.

Then, I've about reached the end of my rope with a "friend" who dominates a group of friends with her drama. This group is really centered around a dear friend of mine, but I am definitely the one who doesn't fit the group dynamic. And a lot of the reason is "drama girl." I have tried and tried to connect with this person, be friends so I can feel at ease in this group, for YEARS, and it has never happened. She seems to just LOVE everyone else, but treats me with disdain. Definitely different. Definitely not that nice. I'm just done. I don't want to reduce my friendship with my other friend, but honestly I don't see what she sees in this person, and I'm questioning even THAT friendship. It's hurtful, but I've spent a lot of time on "my part" and how I can be more understanding and accepting. I will have plans with my friend, and just before, learn that lo and behold the other girl is also coming, and I feel like if I say no or cancel, then I am just the intolerant jerk.

So anyway, there we are. Another crossroads like some I've had in the past. The urge and impulse to drop everything, move away, start fresh, get away from people who don't connect with me. Be even more alone. I dunno.

[Kizzie]

Sorry Phoebes, just saw your post now and wanted to let you know I can relate.  As I got older I started feeling (or admitting?) how much many people irritated me and that I didn't want to put up with their baggage/quirks or try to get along anymore.

I don't have any answers except to say I think some of us (survivors)  reach a point where we admit or can't take the type of behaviours that scrape along our nerves any more. I suspect people who aren't trauma survivors are able to let things roll off them more, but we struggle because our patience/tolerance is worn very thin.      I don't quite know as am working through this myself right now but just wanted to let you know your post resonated with me.  I've dropped a lot of people too.   

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Kizzie. I'd be curious to hear more of your experience. I'm sorry about that, too. Although I do think in some cases it's a good thing, I'm trying to be discerning and tolerant of quirkiness, and avoidant of true narcissistic tendencies. I feel like the more I've learned, the more lazer focused I am on narcissism. One person I felt I had to drop I could definitely see and feel was totally toxic and controlling. That was justifiable. But, I don't want to drop people just for normal differences and flaws. That's not my intent. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with being "stuck" in my situation in a sense.

[Kizzie]

Sorry I probably should have been clearer, I did mean N quirks/unhealthy behav that in the past I would try and deal (put up) with. It began to feel like I attract them or they're everywhere    and I just can't deal with them any more. I dropped a lot of people too and have felt unwilling to try and find healthier people perhaps because some (most?) days it feels like I just keep running into those w/N behav.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi both I relate a lot ...
I too have a pattern of cutting and running in my life it's mostly justified but not always ...
I have a high tolerance until I have a  low tolerance ..
I'm lonely in my life ..

[CreativeCat]

I could have totally written the second half of your post! The circumstances are slightly different but I just thought I'd share my experience and feelings in case any of it rings true for you too....

I have a group of school friends who I've know for 20+ years but the dynamics are very much controlled by one person. She has a lot of issues from her own past and seems to need to control everyone and keep everyone close. She's not very reflective or aware. She's known some of them since they were 2 years old (we're now almost 40) and I think it's just the dynamic we've all grown up with. They let her get away with it because she's had a hard life. But now I feel so much less tolerant of it. While I feel for her I also am not willing to loose myself anymore - when I've stood up for myself and said what I needed a few times there has been a massive fall out. I feel completely on the outside of this group now and I've felt so much shame around it- that there must be something wrong with me because they all seem to manage fine.

What I've realised though is that it's all quite superficial and they keep their emotional cards close to their chest.  they don't really share their authentic emotional experiences with each other, and their friendship is based around fun, drinking and partying. It looks much the same as it did when we were 20. They're generally nice people but I just feel like I don't belong and I feel on my own or Ostracised when I say what I need.

I think this is just what they know and for the most part they're happy to maintain the status quo. If I can get on board with this dynamic then it's fine and and this is is completely what I valued 10 years ago. But I'm different now and I value different things. I want to be in authentic relationships where my friends see and value the real me. Where I can say that I'm struggling and show up for them too. Where we can have fun AND cry together.  I don't speak much to the 'ringleader' now and I  generally avoid group stuff and seeing them as one big group.  I try to connect with the friends I feel a connection with on an individual level. But every now and again I forget and I feel like I want to be included - but then I remember why I don't do  group things! This is still hard for me because  I still can't shake the shame I feel that I don't belong and that I'm on the outside, and I feel that there must be something wrong with me. Either that or I end up second guessing myself that I'm being self-protective and pushing people away. 

Writing this has actually made it seem a lot clearer though (so thank you!). The friendships I have developed more recently have definitely felt more supportive and two-way and I'm trying to focus on the individual friendships that support my growth rather than needing to fit in with cliquey groups. 

I don't know if you can't relate to any of this or ether it's helpful in your journey, but just keep growing and being kind to yourself along the way.

[CreativeCat]

Also just to add - I would guess that 'drama girl' senses that you can see through her BS! 

Could you be straight and honest with your dear friend and say something like  'I'd love to see you but do you mind if we just spend some quality time together one on one?'  It's certainly not an unreasonable request.

This might help you to communicate your boundaries with your friend and consider how you feel about her response. 

[Kizzie]

But I'm different now and I value different things. I want to be in authentic relationships where my friends see and value the real me. Where I can say that I'm struggling and show up for them too. Where we can have fun AND cry together.

Well put     I guess the whole point of recovery is that we do grow and leave some things/people behind, and begin to want other type of relationships where we can be more ourselves. FWIW I don't think there's any shame in that CC, maybe sadness that you don't quite fit anymore but it's because you've grown and changed 

[Kizzie]

Phoebes, how is the whole relationship thing going with you now? 

[Phoebes]

Hi, Kizzie and Creative Cat,

Sorry for the delay- I have been off the board for a long while. Thanks so much for your responses and for sharing your story too, CC. I agree that in my evolution, I don't want these types of superficial dynamics anymore. Since I wrote this, I decided to share with my close friend how I felt. She was receptive and understood, and soon after actually had a huge falling out with drama girl. I expected they would make up and things would go back to status quo, but they haven't.

Then, with the others in the group, one asked me about the falling out situation and what we could all do to "help"! haha. So, I let her know my feelings and struggles as well. Since all of that, there are times when a few of us do things together without drama girl, and things have been so much better. (But only because of their falling out. Otherwise, I would not be there!) So, I guess that situation worked itself out. I think the lesson learned is just in the future, I'm not going to "try" in these situations. It's just not for me.

I do think you're right in that she knows I see right through her.

The landmate situation has gotten a little worse, but I don't think he sees it. He is a lot like these folks on Hoarders. Totally immersed in playing out their wounds and being completely un-self-aware. I was out of town for a few weeks and got a new perspective. I won't be here forever.

[Blueberry]

Hello Phoebes,
Just wanted to say how much your thread title seems to reflect my life atm too. Take care.

[Phoebes]

Hi, Blueberry, I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I guess it doesn't have to be a bad thing, but I know if feels disconcerting and confusing..

[marti.325]

It definitely helped me to read this post. I'm going to post something similar, but just wanted to check in with this one. I like this forum. I can identify with the feelings and situations. It helps to feel less lonely. Thank you.

[Kizzie]

My S actually went/is going thru something similar at the moment and he did what you did, opened up with the friend he wants to keep while not engaging with the person who is a drama guy. It has helped he and his friend to have a more authentic, closer relationship.         to you both, it's not easy to take the risk as we all know here.

Hope you are able to work out the other situation!

[Blueberry]

I feel as if my friends are dropping me like flies and I'm actually OK with that. If they think I'm that unhealthy emotionally-speaking without noticing their own character flaws...